[rr13]

I was verbally abused by my father for most of my life (I'm 48 now). My mother has low self esteem and took his abuse as well. Most of the men in my life have also emotionally abused me in one way or another, so I guess at this point I don't feel like I deserve to be treated well. No one has ever shown me by their actions that I do. I recently became friends with a guy who did give me the support and encouragement I've been looking for, but for whatever reason, he doesn't want to hang out anymore. So now I'm feeling even worse about myself than before. I don't want my self worth to depend on other people, but I don't know how to get out of that way of thinking.

I've never been in therapy because I've never been able to afford it.

[healingme4me]

It's difficult to separate a need for approval as defining self worth when from your very beginning there wasn't approval as displayed through the abuse.

If therapy isn't currently an option, reaching out is a step in a direction to overcome this. Perhaps literature on overcoming being an adult child of dysfunction?

[Fuzzybear]

[rr13]

I actually just bought two books from amazon today on healing the inner child for adults of dysfunctional families, and got another book from the library on toxic families. Hopefully they'll help. This board has at least helped me to not feel so alone. :-)

[lexxinski]

rr13: At least you've realized you have a problem and you are doinng something about it unlike many and many other people out there who opt for alcohol and drugs to deal with it.

Read the books - it;s definitely a great starting point - ask questions here, read online resources. Once you have enough theory you need to start practicing. You can refer to my previous post in this section.

Also there should be some free psychotherapy services in some community centres.

It's not an easy journey, but we take one step at a time.

Hi rr13, I have nothing to add to the advice given above and that which I gave you in another forum.

I just wanted to say I admire you for reaching out here and rising above the bad start you have had in life.

[rr13]

Thank you. I'm trying. Although being 48 and finding it's still following me around and affecting my life has been discouraging. I keep pushing people away because of my issues.

[libragrrl_9]

**hugs** I really feel for you. As strong-willed as I am, words of affirmation are my Achilles heel. It's incredibly hard to feel self-worth without external praise as a survivor of verbal abuse, and knowing that is a start many of us never see. As others have said, that's a good sign for you. I wish I knew what to say, other than wishing you well along your healing journey.

[MarleyCat]

I too have extremely low self esteem due to verbal abuse...I would even go as far as calling it self loathing. I watched my mom by physically and verbally abused as well my whole life. I think in part the low self esteem comes not only from being verbally abused but also from not having good role models in the self esteem department. We never learned the tools or skills to feel good about ourselves because our mothers didnt have them either.

I push people away as well and this has been particularly hard in my relationship with my boyfriend. The old you cant love someone until you love yourself really comes in to play. What I can say is that you deserve love and attention and companionship in your life. You are worth it !!The abusers in our lives prey on people and make you feel like **** to feel better about themselves.

Sometimes there are free counselling programs or ones available for a lower cost based on wage. I wonder if there are any where you live? You can even do a few sessions of you can gather any money together and learn a few skills in a short amount of time to help you along.

I hope one day we can both love ourselves fully and be happy with who we are....I guess my point in this post is just to let you know you are not alone! I pretty much spot on feel as you do.

[fns90]

Originally Posted by MarleyCat

I think in part the low self esteem comes not only from being verbally abused but also from not having good role models in the self esteem department.

I think this is a very good point. When we think about anything else, we think about the roles models we have had for that situation. What comes to mind is parenting. If you have had a good parental figure in your life, you learn how to be a good parent. I have never thought about low self esteem the same way, but it truly is! Thank you for sharing this!

[rr13]

And I believe now that's been my problem. My mother grew up very sheltered and her mother pushed her to marry anyone just to get married. My dad's mother was very abusive and pushed my dad to marry my mom because she could tell my mom was weak and my dad would be able to control her easily. My mom is finally standing up for herself at the age of 78, but my dad still tries his hardest to put her down. I hate even being around them. I think the more I've tried to be the complete opposite of my mother, the more I've become just like her. I think that's why I'm afraid to even date or get married. I don't want to end up like her, putting up with abuse just to be with someone. But I've ended up with friends who are just like my dad, who feel entitled to bully me, disregard my feelings and I end up feeling worse about myself. I'm currently trying to cut myself off from those friends, but I still have to see my parents every week.

I've been communicating with an online therapist from BetterHelp.com. It's only been a few times, so I'm not sure how helpful it will be, but it's the cheapest and most convenient option so far.

[Dog on a Tree]

I'm sorry to hear about your low self esteem and about the abuse you have suffered in the past. Perhaps you can find things online and in the books to help with this. Also perhaps things on youtube to inspire you to overcome the past difficulties.

[ladytiger]

"I watched my mom by physically and verbally abused as well my whole life. I think in part the low self esteem comes not only from being verbally abused but also from not having good role models in the self esteem department. We never learned the tools or skills to feel good about ourselves because our mothers didnt have them either."

Agreed. Had to watch a lousy woman be abused by my dad all of my life plus she was verbally abused by her mom (not sure about her dad or any other relatives of hers). I don't want friends like my parents anymore had enough which is why I want a set of new healthy friends who don't act immature like the past ones I've had.

I didn't have any good role models. I have my brother and sister but we have a big age gap between us they didn't wanna be bothered hearing about the idiots well how was I suppose to deal with it? Yea, they already dealt with it but I needed someone to help me deal with it and I was left alone to fend for myself.

[meganb22]

When I read the beginning of your post, I felt like you were talking about my life. My father was an *****. He was mean and verbally abusive to me, my mom and my sister. I have little contact with him now. I see him a few times a year on the big holidays. He pretty much wants nothing to do with me and my sister. Fine by me. I never realized how dysfunctional my relationship with my father was until I saw my best friends relationship with her father. He was caring, he talked to her, he WANTED to spend time with her, and he didn't put her down. Now, whenever my Uncle or the man my mom is dating takes an interest in me and wants to talk I'm uncomfortable. I don't understand why they care about me. I think its weird. That's really sad. My dad along with a butt ton of other things in my life have given my self-worth and self-esteem quite a beating. I'm working on loving myself and understanding that what I think about myself is more important than what other people say and think about me.

[Dog on a Tree]

I wish I was there to protect you all.

Some people say that family is most important, that blood is thicker than water but I don't believe in any of that. Why? because of the fact that you don't choose which family you are born into. You have no say on how the family is towards you. You can be born into an abusive family. So then what? stick by the abusive family until you end your life? or stick by the abusive family until you break down?

No way! I believe that it's not about flesh and blood, it's about the bonds and connections we have with eachother. You can make your own family. A friend can be a brother/sister to you. You could have half the family that is abusive and the other half nice. So what would I do? cut the abusive half out of my life and keep the nice half.
It really is about the connection and bonds we have with eachother regardless of flesh and blood. It's about the connection of the hearts. That's why you can make your own family, your own loved ones. Friends become also brothers and sisters, friends also become your family, people you can trust and believe in.

[rr13]

I completely agree. My cousins have become my only reliable family, as well as some close friends. Unfortunately since I still need financial help from my family, I can't cut them out. They're also getting older, and I'm the only child who will be able to help them since my brother is an alcoholic loser with no job, so I'll still have to stick by them when that time comes.

[Dog on a Tree]

Originally Posted by rr13

I completely agree. My cousins have become my only reliable family, as well as some close friends. Unfortunately since I still need financial help from my family, I can't cut them out. They're also getting older, and I'm the only child who will be able to help them since my brother is an alcoholic loser with no job, so I'll still have to stick by them when that time comes.

I understand, it's good that you are sensible and despite your low esteem, you are still being kind and helpful.

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by rr13

Thank you. I'm trying. Although being 48 and finding it's still following me around and affecting my life has been discouraging. I keep pushing people away because of my issues.

I can relate
getting informed is a good place to start. We are with you.