[Shamrock76]

Hi

Due to the problem I recently posted about, I have had a long talk with myself and a good think over the past few days. I recognise now that a huge part of my problem is the fact that I have a very low self esteem and that the problem with Mr X and various other factors has contributed to this. I literally hate myself, have no faith in myself or my abilities any more and feel like I'm always going to feel as bad and as low as I do at this very moment. I want to be loved, I want to be someone's number 1 but due to the type of person that I am, I feel I will never meet anyone who cares enough about me to put me first and that I'm not the type of person who will ever be someone who someone wants to be with long term.

I'm wondering has anyone else ever felt like this, due to heartbreak, or any other reason? If so, how did you combat it and how did you truly begin to believe in yourself and feel that you deserved love? I'm tired of feeling like an ugly fat loser because of one event in my life at the hands of someone who I thought cared. I want to get myself back, to achieve my dreams and be someone in control, and someone who others want to have around. I just don't know how to. If anyone else has ever achieved this, I'd be grateful for your advice.

[kaliope]

i believe to raise self esteem we have to stop looking for validation from others. we simply cannot count on other people to make us feel good about ourselves. they are simply too undependable. WE have to make ourselves feel good. WE have to make ourselves important. WE have to make ourselves #1. Then anything we get from another person is whip cream and cherries.

to do this, I came up with one indisputable fact. one good thing about me that I could not deny no matter how bad I felt about myself. for me it was that I was a good writer. I have always gotten A's on my papers for as long as I can remember and write professional evaluations today that receive praise. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I started running off that list of bad things in my head, I could say, yeah, but I am a good writer to compliment myself and feel good instead of bad. soon I found more good things about me and added them to the list. it took awhile but eventually I started believing that I was a good person with these good qualities. this is how I built my self esteem.

[Shamrock76]

Thanks Kali. I'm actually starting to believe that I am not destined for a relationship with a PERSON. I don't understand people and don't seem to be able to figure out what way they work. I'm much better and much more comfortable in the company of animals. To this end I'm not sure I can ever trust anyone again but I totally agree with what you say.

[stuckinreverie]

I agree with Kali. The number one person in your life has to be you, but I can understand having a hard time believing that. I have a hard time believing it myself, and often times I feel the same way you do Shamrock.

But I've heard once you know how to love yourself, everything else will follow. It's a steep hill, but the road to better self esteem doesn't have to be made alone. ^^

[Shamrock76]

I wouldn't know how to put myself first. It just isn't in my makeup. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who do know the trick to doing it though - I see it from even people I'm very close to. But it's alien to me. Part of the most exhausting part of it is though, constantly worrying about what others are saying and doing and thinking.Like at the minute I feel let down by Mark because I feel he always has something better to do. Like I'm only being 'tolerated'.

[Quarter life]

As we go through life...we collect ideas that become our personal truths...some we discard along the way...However, there are other personal truths that we tend to cling to, even if they are detrimental to us.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs...some were benificial to me, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. To say that putting yourself first isn't in your makeup...is all three of these things. As well as worrying about what others think about us.

I now know that 98% of people care little about what I think or what I do...They care more about thier own lives. We cant wait for others to validate, laud or honour us...we must do that for ourselves.

[Shamrock76]

That makes a lot of sense. I guess I just need to trust more in what I feel is right and not worry about checking in with someone else that 'it's ok'. Like I constantly do this - asking my friends about choices I have made and looking for constant reassurance. I have no faith in myself whatsoever.

[White Eagle]

This is just a phase you are in right now, and it will pass, like anything in life.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF! Pay good attention of what your body is telling you, and yes your body, not your mind! Listen to your body signals ( when feel like you need to move, than move, when you are nervous - ask yourself what is the reason of that feeling? etc.)
Don't be so harsh on yourself - self-acceptance is built by forgiving yourself, and learning at the same time. There are no failures in life, just experiences from which you will always learn someting, no matter if those are good or bad.
Stop being so serious (correct me if I am wrong, but I got impression that you are serious all the time), and enjoy the life, do the things you love (a hobbie maybe), workout - this will boost your serotonine level, and at the same time you will gain confidence...

[Sesiley]

Concentrate on yourself first and the rest will follow through. You also have to love yourself first to love another...keep your boundaries and your list of needs that you want to be met from that special someone...you deserve no less than you want and need

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