[Ponder]

I am genuinely physically ugly.
It's weird because I have a different picture of myself in my head and when I saw myself on the TV I was both fascinated and embarassed at how ugly I am.

So anyway, after seeing myself on the news I withdrew some. I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide myself. I felt like a monster but I forced myself to go outside and do what I was required to do anyway. I tried to act as If I had not just seen how strange and ugly I look on the outside

I realized that people still said hi to me. They still sought my company and sat next to me. They still smiled at me and joked with me. And hugged me...

No one looked at me with the expression "Oh my Gosh she is so ugly." nobody avoided me or looked away in disgust, or seemed embarassed to be with me. It was strange to interact with them when I was thinking in my head "can't you see me? didn't you notice that I am hidious?"

Then I realized that the people in my community are used to the look of me. I realized that people outside my body see me every day and are used to the physical features that I find so startling about myself. Many seem to care about me anyway.

If others can accept me as I am, what's going on with me that I would not accept me as I am. So i am imperfect, ugly, ordinary...I have average smarts, average talent...nothing special here... I'm just me. and that's really ok.

I don't like being ugly. My spirit is not ugly. But, this is the outfit I have been given here on earth. There's not a whole lot I can do about it. It'd be a waste to let my looks stop me from being entirely and authentically me. I'm not extraordinary, but life is. There is room for me here and there is so much wonder and beauty and, well, LIFE to experience...

[CANDC]

Ponder, you live in a good community that knows what makes a person beautiful is what is in their heart. That only grows more beautiful with age, while the outer body shrivels and loses the beauty of youth.

Here is an article that talks about accepting that lasting beauty.
Building Self-Esteem | Psych Central

The Looks You?re Born With and the Looks You?re Given - The New Yorker

Interesting article.

[QuirkyGirl99]

I know those feelings and thoughts too well. However, I've suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (as well as anorexia and bulimia) since I was 13. I've never been happy with my appearance, especially since I'm such a freaking perfectionist. Unfortunately, unless I result to plastic surgery (which they refuse to do due to my disorder), I can't really do anything about it.
Anyway, just when I thought my self-perception was bad enough, I caught a glimpse of myself via my phone's camera unexpectedly. It was very shocking, since I could not believe that hideous person starting back at the camera was actually me! It felt kind of akin to hearing my voice for the first time via a recording. I've spent years not wanting to leave the house, because I felt too ugly and socially awkward. The thing is, others people don't see me this way. I've never had issues attracting men (just keeping them) and have often been considered attractive. I just don't get how others see this. Fortunately, I try not to focus on these thoughts anymore, since I know it's my mind working against me. Besides, looks are fleeting. We all grow old sooner or later.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Television is well known to be very unflattering, don't worry about it.

catching yourself in a camera phone is brutal because it is almost impossible to look good at that angle. i just avoid looking in the mirror... though if i didnt avoid it, i probably wouldnt think, wtf! when i do look...

not that i look bad. i am always just startled, no matter how i look...

i have no pictures of myself, and refuse to let people take them.

that's how bad it is for me

and re: the voice thing, if i have to talk on the phone or something, then the thing better be automated

[CrazyLo]

I always see ugliness when I look at myself, but people tell me I'm not. I don't see it. I've accepted by now that I can't see it in myself, so I just have to know what others see. Plus, you all are right, beauty is much more important in a personality than in a face.

[spring2014]

hi ponder,
you are not ugly hun . youre a beautiful person inside and out.

[Superzombiechic]

I'm ugly so tend to pick men who are unattractive like me (to people) and I find they, like me, are unique and awesome! People are so hung up on appearances. I recommend a great movie that might help you guys to see that there is a bright and happy ending it's called:
The invention of lying.

i find it a bit irritating how we cant just say we look bad without someone saying, you look good!

unless this person is currently outside my window, which would be creepy, they cant know.

but better yet, why do i have to be attractive to have self worth?

the answer to the cultural obsession with being attractive is not to insist that everyone is attractive but to merely stop caring....

that said, i havent faced a mirror in ages, so i am not sure how i look. i get irritated when people do comment. my last t said things about my body that she definitely shouldnt have... if she were a man she would never say them because it would be obviously inappropriate, but she is a lesbian...

i am way off topic here so i will be quiet.

[Ponder]

Originally Posted by somat

i find it a bit irritating how we cant just say we look bad without someone saying, you look good!

I agree.
btw That's kinda creepy about yout T.
You don't have to put up with that.

[-jimi-]

I think we're used to see ourselves in certain ways, like in a mirror you see sort of a flat you from the front and also you see yourself inverted. I really can't even think the thought that I'm actually not my mirror image to others, I'm inverted to that, it really fills me with dread.

Anyway, seeing ourselves from angles that we don't normally see ourselves can be really weird. Not many of us do know how we really look to others, not many get recorded in sort of an every day type of situation. Many would be surprised. Although I think you can get used to it. Many young people are used to seeing their bodies and hearing their voices from they were little, because they have watched recordings of themselves. Us older people, I mean I think I recorded my voice the first time when I was six, and no one but my brother had a tape player that I knew of. I only saw myself when I was over 20.

It's kind of weird that most people through the ages never knew what they looked like. Maybe catching a glimpse of their face in water. That must have been odd.

About being ugly, I think I'm ugly but I never really think about it, but I notice what I find ugly about me, others might find totally normal and some of the traits I really like about myself, others can find ugly. It's so weird. Anyway, I totally agree that it simply does not matter if you're ugly or not, getting told I'm pretty just feels wrong.

Yea and people really told me I am. Not from my culture, but Americans do. I guess that is something one does to be polite. I never told anyone back they are pretty because to me that is creepy, so they got mad at me for not reciprocating. Heh.

Anyway I did not find them pretty. I guess Americans simply all look ugly to me (sorry!!!).

But I kind of wanted to stress that even if there is some kind of cultural ideal, there are always people who thinks different.

I think I can be pretty, but not many people say it to my face. I do not think many people are ugly. There is something attractive about everyone.

Another thing that bugs me is people don't compliment each other very often. Have you noticed that? It is so easy to be nice to someone and compliment them about something whether it be their clothes, their smile, their laugh or their face.

I rarely like compliments on my looks and I always loathe compliments for the sake of making me feel better. Especially things people couldn't possibly know...

Self acceptance over self esteem. Our culture's rise in narcissism is largely connected to confusion over this. We think we all have to think we are smart, beautiful, talented snowflakes to have self worth.

[coyotee]

You probably actually aren't physically ugly.

All of us are used to looking in the mirror. Sometimes, our hair looks bad, or our makeup is wrong, or our face is flushed so that stuff makes us look a little different than usual - but GENERALLY, since we so often look in the mirror, we are familiar with how we look from that face forward perspective.

On a video or in a photograph, you see a different perspective from a different angle. Since you don't often get to see yourself like that, you aren't familiar with that side of you. And since it's not familiar to you, and since it's unexpected, and since its PERSONAL - it's not uncommon to jump to the conclusion that you're ugly - but it's not accurate, so you should not assume you're ugly.

I personally HATE those 3-way mirrors in fitting rooms. Oh boy lol

Also, hearing your voice on a recording can be a crazy experience. When you talk, you hear your voice one way. But when you hear yourself on a recording, it hits your ear in a totally different way. I work in call centers, I am repeatedly complimented on my voice from coworkers, my boss - and those people are definitely sincere about it. When I listen to myself though.... I absolutely HATE my voice. It's terrible to me and it's hard to believe them. All you can do is try to not be hard on yourself.

ALSO- keep in mind... when you look in a mirror vs when you're on film - the image can be flipped - so your hair might flip a different way, which can really alter your perception.

Originally Posted by -jimi-

Anyway I did not find them pretty. I guess Americans simply all look ugly to me (sorry!!).

Not that I need anyone to tell me I'm pretty (I probably wouldn't believe them anyway) but I'm curious...

I see you are from Northern Europe. Genetically, I am Northern European (both sets of grandparents came from Northern Europe), yet my nationality is American. Since I probably look a lot like the people around you, what is it about my being an American that automatically labels me as ugly?

[Montezumadiz]

It's weird and at the same time wonderful the way one feels towards someone else and how it feels towards ourselves. I feel like I'm not a good looking dude, but some have told me I am; feel like they are lying but at the same time I get a glance. I try to change my looks(clothes, haircut) just for myself, the best way in how I feel comfortable with me, that sometimes people ask me why the weird combination of clothes.

if someone says, though, that everyone online who calls themselves ugly is not actually ugly, attractiveness has no meaning. why not just accept that i dont have to be pretty to have self worth?

also, to say that someone is actually attractive, even when they look in the mirror and think that they are unattractive, that suggests that there is some objective standard. which is exactly the problem to begin with...

i am much psychologically healthier when i just let myself think that i look bad some days and not so bad other days and dont place my self esteem on it.

and dont wait for someone to tell me how attractive i am...

i like the post about just doing things to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. i shouldnt have to think that i am attractive to other people to do that.

[Ponder]

Originally Posted by coyotee

You probably actually aren't physically ugly.

All of us are used to looking in the mirror. Sometimes, our hair looks bad, or our makeup is wrong, or our face is flushed so that stuff makes us look a little different than usual - but GENERALLY, since we so often look in the mirror, we are familiar with how we look from that face forward perspective.

On a video or in a photograph, you see a different perspective from a different angle. Since you don't often get to see yourself like that, you aren't familiar with that side of you. And since it's not familiar to you, and since it's unexpected, and since its PERSONAL - it's not uncommon to jump to the conclusion that you're ugly - but it's not accurate, so you should not assume you're ugly.

I personally HATE those 3-way mirrors in fitting rooms. Oh boy lol

Also, hearing your voice on a recording can be a crazy experience. When you talk, you hear your voice one way. But when you hear yourself on a recording, it hits your ear in a totally different way. I work in call centers, I am repeatedly complimented on my voice from coworkers, my boss - and those people are definitely sincere about it. When I listen to myself though.... I absolutely HATE my voice. It's terrible to me and it's hard to believe them. All you can do is try to not be hard on yourself.

ALSO- keep in mind... when you look in a mirror vs when you're on film - the image can be flipped - so your hair might flip a different way, which can really alter your perception.

Wow, how incredibly sensible that all sounds. That helps actually.

[Ponder]

Originally Posted by somat

if someone says, though, that everyone online who calls themselves ugly is not actually ugly, attractiveness has no meaning. why not just accept that i dont have to be pretty to have self worth?

also, to say that someone is actually attractive, even when they look in the mirror and think that they are unattractive, that suggests that there is some objective standard. which is exactly the problem to begin with...

i am much psychologically healthier when i just let myself think that i look bad some days and not so bad other days and dont place my self esteem on it.

and dont wait for someone to tell me how attractive i am...

i like the post about just doing things to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. i shouldnt have to think that i am attractive to other people to do that.

I think that I can accept that my perception of my looks may not match other peoples perception of my looks. And i am certain that sometimes I do look ugly and sometimes I can look pretty. I'm OK with that. I need to remember that people are attracted to all sorts of "beauty" and my physical looks at this point are not my strong point. Still that doesn't mean that I am unattractive to everyone. So, to be healthy I just take good care of myself and do the best i can with what I have as far as dressing, and hair care etc. And once I am dressed for the day, let go of my attention on the way I look and just be me. That's my perspective today.