Vanity

Weird vent ahead.

I have extremly low self esteem. I can't stand my face. I feel disgusting all the time and yet I look in the mirror a lot. I even try to see my reflection in windows if noone is around, but I can NEVER look in the mirror if there's other people there. I was a pretty kid, people kept telling me. I don't think I was ever called ugly, but I know things have changed. I don't like one thing on my face. I especially hate my nose, but I'm gonna get it fixed.
And then there's my jaw. I have a condition called an 'open bite'. Basically the only teeth that are touching are those at the back. My front teeth are forming a gap, which means my mouth is always somewhat open. It makes the lower part of my face horrifically stretched. I'm gonna have a surgery in two years but I'm afraid I'll lose my mind until then. I can't get it off my mind for a minute and I don't think I ever will be able to, because I can FEEL it. I cry every day. I'm incredibly vain. I also have weight problems that I'm working on right now. Maybe it's connected.
I often think people are disturbed by me. I don't talk to anyone, never smile, have no friends and want to be left alone. I keep to myself. I have been bullied in middle school, when I started to withdraw. Noone said anything about my looks but pretty people just don't get bullied. Sometimes a grandma or an aunt will say I look pretty but I can't make myself believe it for a second.
Everytime ugliness crosses my mind I feel a little sick. I can't accept it. Not me. I can't be ugly. It doesn't match my mentality. Then I usually cry
I don't want to learn to love myself either. I don't just want to live through my life, I have goals. And they can't be accomplished if I look like this. I don't think anyone here can really help me with this, I just wanted to let it out.
Do you think it's possible that I have such problems with my face because I was told I was pretty when young?
I'll probably edit later.

Thank you for reading, hope you have a nice day

I've got a feeling you still are pretty, and I reckon the bullying you received was down to envy. And probably you might have been someone who doesn't like conflict and perhaps didn't fight back perhaps, but took the bullying on board and blamed yourself for it maybe?

girls can easily get threatened by another female's apparence, and if they are on their own, or show any signs of sensitivity or vulnerability, the envious girls will be horrible to her, I see it time and time again, and in fact read a recent research paper on this, and it all boils down to an innate survival thing.

So my bet is, you are still pretty, and I bet you just need to not care so much what others think, and concentrate on you and if you feel that others have a problem with you, perhaps they are jealous.

Thank you for the reply
I wish what you wrote was my case. I still think I was bullied because I look like a weirdo and can't fit in. It wasn't just girls. There was a group of guys too. I remember seeing one of them after a year and when he saw me he said to his friend(so I could hear) :"That's the girl I was telling you about". I have no idea what that was about, but it was said in a mean way. But it's okay now. I go to a decent school where people are calmer.
Thanks again & have a nice day!

usually when guys talk to each other about females, it isn't because they find them unattractive, they tend to only bother discussing them if they find you attractive.

You might have interpreted it that he said it in a mean way, after all, at the time it sounds like you were getting bullied by some mean jealous girls, and perhaps at the time you were on high alert thinking everyone is against you, perhaps that is a defence mechanism, and I'm speaking from personal experience.

But I'm glad you are in a better school where people are nicer to you.