[lona3]

I’m posting something here because I don’t know what to do with myself anymore and I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel so lost and confused. Sorry that this turned out to be a long post.

First of all I haven’t been able to concentrate on my schoolwork for maybe 2 years now. I’m 22 and at university. I just can’t bring myself to study anymore and when I do bring up the courage I don’t memorize things as well as I used to. All I feel like doing is lying in bed all day with my laptop doing nothing productive, even though I know that I should be studying and part of me wants to study. But it’s like when I’m doing other things, I don’t have to think about everything that still needs to be done. I’m basically procrastinating I and pretending my tasks don’t exist for as long as possible. I just can’t bring myself do to any tasks anymore and almost don’t feel stressed about school anymore either. I really want to get my degree this year, but it’s like part of me doesn’t care. It makes me feel really lazy and guilty and that’s not what I want. I just spend most of my time alone in my room or something. Even during holidays when I have no schoolwork I just hang around.

Secondly I’ve been dealing with self-esteem issues for a long time. I was chubby as a teenager, lost the weight and recently gained it again. I’ve also been dealing with hirsutism since I was a teen. I just feel really ugly and it’s taking over my life. When I walk down the street I constantly check myself in the reflection of the windows of stores. I just feel so ugly and worthless. I think about it almost every day and it makes me cry like once a week. I’ve also never had a relationship and almost no guy has ever shown interest in me. But I also only had a crush on someone once in my life. The fact that no one seems interested in me and I don’t seem to be able to fall in love either makes me fear that I’m never going to find someone and I’m going to end up completely alone. I know this might sound ridiculous since I’m only 22, but it’s seriously bringing me down. I feel more and more that something’s wrong with me for never liking someone and other people never liking me, even though the rest of the world seems to have no problem with dating and finding romance, regardless of whether those relationships end well or not.

I’ve just been feeling so down and lonely and I don’t know what to do anymore. Even writing this post made me tear up. I feel guilty because a lot of people have it worse than me, yet I can’t bring myself to feel good. I’ve read online about depressions, but I don’t think it’s bad enough for depression because I don’t feel sad or down 24/7. I do still have good days and it’s usually in the evening that I feel like crap. I did go to my gp for my concentration problems with school and I told him I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. He did a blood test but couldn’t find anything. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I feel sad, worthless and guilty, but I feel like I have nowhere to turn to and I don’t know how to solve this anymore. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Hello Iona, actually feeling 'sad, worthless and guilty' are all symptoms of depression as is lack of motivation such as the procrastination you describe. I can't diagnose you but it isn't necessary to feel down 24/7 to be depressed. Also depression can be experienced differently by different people, some people will find they have good and bad days.

What do you feel would be helpful to you right now? Do you feel like you could go back to the GP and tell them what you wrote here? Would you consider therapy to talk over the thoughts you've been having?

[lona3]

I'm just not sure what to do. Because I told my GP about the procrastination and not feeling like doing anything just before Christmas, but he didn't mention anything about possible depression or anything mental back then. I had read about it online, which is why I went in the first place, but I didn't really bring it up either. I don't know, I just don't want to suggest something and then it ending up an exaggeration. Also, I still live with my parents and I'd rather them not knowing about all this for the moment. My uncle has been dealing with alcohol problems for the past year and a half and got divorced because of it, so my cousin has it a lot harder. I don't want to come across as a complainer or someone with depression when my life is 'perfect'. The same goes for looking for a therapist I guess. I don't want to bother them with maybe nothing while they have patients that probably need their time more. I find it hard to talk about as well. I've never said any of this to anyone (except the procrastination part). I'd feel really embarrassed, I hate talking about feelings and everything. The only reason that I can say it here is because I can type it.

I hope it's okay if I quote some key parts of your post to address them.

I don't know, I just don't want to suggest something and then it ending up an exaggeration

If your GP is doing their job properly that shouldn't happen, they should hopefully take the time to have a thorough consultation with you before they diagnose.

Also, I still live with my parents and I'd rather them not knowing about all this for the moment. My uncle has been dealing with alcohol problems for the past year and a half and got divorced because of it, so my cousin has it a lot harder. I don't want to come across as a complainer or someone with depression when my life is 'perfect'

As you are an adult there is absolutely no reason to tell people about your GP/medical appointments and any outcomes unless you want to. Your GP is also legally bound to keep confidentiality.

As for your cousin/uncle - it doesn't mean that your life is 'perfect' because they are having problems, you can still empathise and give emotional support while taking care of yourself. I believe this feeling of not wanting to be a complainer may be because of your feelings of worthlessness. I will tell you - you are worthy of your GPs time and if necessary your family's support (if you choose to tell them), you deserve help with something that appears to be affecting your life negatively.

I find it hard to talk about as well. I've never said any of this to anyone (except the procrastination part). I'd feel really embarrassed, I hate talking about feelings and everything. The only reason that I can say it here is because I can type it.

Okay. I 'get' this. How would you feel about writing down much of what you have written here and taking it to a consultation to show your GP? It's what I once did, my GP read it and it helped her understand what was going on when I was too choked to speak. Your GP will have seen and heard all sorts of things in their career, this is unlikely to faze them. It can be hard to talk about these things, but if you find the right way to communicate it can be a lot easier.

Take care Iona - and remember you are worth this!

[lona3]

Thanks for your replies. I guess I probably should tell someone. It's just also that some moments I feel really bad and hopeless but then when I feel better a few hours later I feel like I'm exaggerating and that there's nothing wrong with me. And then a few days later or so I'll feel like crap again. It's like I'm constantly going between "I hate myself and my life" and "don't exaggerate and just do what you have to do".

[Woodchuck]

Hi,

Have you ever been tested for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)? It causes excess body hair and insulin resistance (and hence weight gain). I have it, and while I am not treating it right now (go depression, I don't feel worthy enough to take my meds), I know it's something that can definitely cause some of your symptoms. It also messes with my periods.

You can totally be depressed without being down 24/7. Does your college offer any student counseling? Sometimes having an unbiased person tell you that yes, you have every right to feel how you're feeling, can make all the difference. I started seeing a therapist in college, and while it took me a very long time to find the right therapist, just hearing "I think you do have depression" was quite a relief.

Ultimately it doesn't matter if people have it worse than you, because someone always will. It's how you're feeling and your feelings are valid and matter. Be gentle with yourself.

[lona3]

Hey, I've been tested for it when I was a teen and I don't have it. The body hair was because of me being sensitive to androgens or something. But nothing has worked so far to get rid of it. The weight-issue is probably something I'll be struggling with for the rest of my life, I've been dealing with it for as long as I can remember anyway.

My school does have someone students can go to and who can refer you to a psychologist, but it's just 2 weeks before the exams so I feel like it's too late to go now, there's not much he can do anymore since after the exams the year is over anyway. I don't know, I want to find someone to talk to, but the only place I can basically go to is my GP at this point. But I'm sort of scared that it will end up with nothing like last time and I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Every time I read symptoms of depression and that you need 5 of them or something I always find some that definitely apply, but some of them are like maybe, maybe not. I just feel like I'm stuck somewhere just under depression but not quite yet or something.

[EsteemedGuy]

Hello Iona
Exam time can bring a lot of mixed feelings. Especially the feeling to start dating, needing a support romantic structure, procrastinating and family issues.Which can be very distracting. Feeling worthless is often a low self esteem issue and judging your body weight. It is best to start toning your body by running or joining the gym or play sport like Basketball (something that will make you sweat o lot) and working on improving your Self Esteem ( that long term). For the procrastinating part you need to tell yourself that it is time to study and find a quiet place (room) and study for 45min take a 15 min break and another 45 min study break and last 45min study every day ... or 6day a week you will rock your exams . "Look for How to Study" Guide I used this method in High School and in College it worked out.