This has been an issue for me in the whole of my adult life.

"I don't deserve the good things I have" "I'm not worthy"

Last month I worked a fair bit extra time and so this month's pay was rather high. You think I'd be pleased right? So why was my first thought guilt? That I had not truly earned it, that other people work harder than me. If I step back I know it's crazy, I worked early starts and more hours, of course I earned that pay.

I'm the same with friendships, I have wonderful, funny, kind friends but I often wonder why they want to hang out with me. The only person I truly feel secure with is my husband, I know he loves me and I don't get the undeserving feeling with him.

I don't disclose these feelings much irl, just venting it out there in the internet. I don't know if I'll ever overcome it. As time ticks on I think this might just be me and nothing I can do to change that.

Was really tired last night when I wrote this, I feel better from a proper sleep.

I think when I get worn down negative self talk creeps in.

[TishaBuv]

I have a very messed up attitude about money and self worth. It stems from my family issues over money. I understand what you mean.

Idk if I fully understand myself

[TishaBuv]

Are you consistently withholding good things from yourself?

I don't. I'll give myself some things and deprive myself of other things.

Much like you, I can withhold sometimes but mostly I am okay, if I need things I let myself have them.

I can put up with bad behaviour from others longer than I should.

[TishaBuv]

I've been reading the CBT book, Feeling Good, and it is talking about what we think we are worth. I'm faced with decisions about that all the time. I have my own rules that I've developed that must be faulty thinking.

So, say you have put up with bad behavior from others long than you should. Will you now put up with it for less time?

I did CBT based therapy a few years back, I should dig my old workbook out. It was useful (I know currently CBT is not as popular as it was).

I guess less time putting up with bad behaviour from others might be a step in the right direction. I'm gentle natured and a bit wishy washy - my husband observes people ride roughshod over me. He admits he has done this to me himself. Several people I love and care about have done this to me. I'm a pushover by nature, maybe it's poor self esteem or learnt behaviour patterns - I honestly don't know.

[sans]

Hello Prefabsprout
I am exactly the same way! My ex husband used to call me a martyr when we were married. He used it in a negative way, and Its very difficult to stop negative self talk. But we have to keep working on it. Physically be aware of negative thoughts and halt them immediately and find something positive to replace that thought with. It's extremely hard because it has become so automatic to think and say what's wrong instead of what's right!!
Let's practice being kind to ourselves and maybe turn it into a good habit.
You are as valuable and worthy as anyone and everyone else on the planet!

Originally Posted by sans

Hello Prefabsprout
I am exactly the same way! My ex husband used to call me a martyr when we were married. He used it in a negative way, and Its very difficult to stop negative self talk. But we have to keep working on it. Physically be aware of negative thoughts and halt them immediately and find something positive to replace that thought with. It's extremely hard because it has become so automatic to think and say what's wrong instead of what's right!!
Let's practice being kind to ourselves and maybe turn it into a good habit.
You are as valuable and worthy as anyone and everyone else on the planet!

Thanks for this. Yes it's almost as if it's automatic. It gets worse with stressful situations I notice, I've had a few of those.

I'll practice being kind, and thank you for sharing your experience with me.

They say that the wrong people feel bad about themselves. I wonder if that is true!!

[Ember_42]

My therapist says that I have an ingrained sense of shame from growing up with perfectionist standards. So instead of thinking "that didn't go well" I think "I'm a failure". I don't feel that I deserve good things because I can never live up to the standards that I feel have been set for me. She says that's also probably a good part of my social phobia/agoraphobia.

Originally Posted by Ember_42

My therapist says that I have an ingrained sense of shame from growing up with perfectionist standards. So instead of thinking "that didn't go well" I think "I'm a failure". I don't feel that I deserve good things because I can never live up to the standards that I feel have been set for me. She says that's also probably a good part of my social phobia/agoraphobia.

I think a lot of this does hinge around my relationship with my mother, although we have a cordial relationship it is guarded. Nothing I have ever done has pleased her, or she hasn't shown it anyway. My dad is different, he makes up for her. But yeah, one of my patents was impossible to please and still is, I was unfavorably compared to other children growing up as was her way to get me to be more like them, the message I took from this was I wasn"t good enough as I was, I wasn't as good as others. I have learned to let it go but it's still ingrained.