It wasn't about me not being good enough

My dad was/is distant, scary, potentially violent, cold, enjoys hurting others.. He didn't want children yet held on to us to have a 'personality' of his own, to be able to call himself something - a 'dad'. My whole life I've blamed myself for not being good enough for him, but I've finally realized..

It wasn't about me!!! He is who he is, and he's like that with everyone. He's crazy. He's not able to see anyone for who they are, not able to appreciate anyone. Understanding this now is such a huge weight off my shoulders.. I can finally breathe a little easier

Good reflection.

Wow, this is great. I'm happy for you!

I do not recall ever thinking I was not good enough or whatever, but in my thirties I finally took an uncompromising stand and told both of my parents I now had a zero-tolerance policy in relation to even the slightest amount of their fault-finding and criticism. Looking back, I do not think they were unreasonable in their actual expectations of me, just prone to blame others for troubles in their own lives.

I struggled with a very hostile, distant, emotionally abusive father. I became an overachiever and a perfectionist to 'earn' his love. I never did. I remember at his funeral, his brother said he's always been that way and I replied I thought he just didn't love me.

I wish I could say I've reached your level of enlightenment but I can't. The scars and habits are still there and it's been 15 years.

Kudos to you for your break through. Best wishes.

Thank you all!

Jennifer, it's taken me almost ten years of intense therapy and working on my own as well to reach this realization, and I'm finding my resolve isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.. Recently, someone I thought was my best friend went no-contact completely out of the blue and without any explanation as to why, which brought all my insecurities straight back to the surface.. I've started to think this might be something I'll be struggling with for the rest of my life.

Just need to keep reminding myself that no matter who it is that mistreats me, it might not be about me but them, and even if it is about me, if they don't tell me what the problem is, there's nothing I can do. So long as I'm open to hearing their thoughts and correcting my behaviour when needed, I think I'm doing my part.. Others need to do theirs as well, or there really is no basis for a relationship at all, and I need to move on.