Being Misunderstood

I am writing this post in self esteem
because it affects my self esteem
when I am misunderstood.

I overheard a school boy...
he said I was thinking of (I wont put his real words here
in case it triggers anybody)..harming myself..
and he was staring at a part of his body as he said it..
His friend said; well you didn't do it did you?

It could have been a joke!!
or it could have been out of context
or it could have been important

I have this complex where I cant just
leave such a thing alone...(maybe its like
a vigilante complex or something)
I knew the boys mother and I told her
just in case.

The next time I saw her
she was very mean to me and made me cry
(luckily I didnt cry in front of her)
she insinuated I made it up
and I was trying to cause trouble
for her and her family.

I have to work with this woman
and I feel so humiliated.

thanks for listening...Jjulia

My T asked me to think about "humiliation" for a week between therapy sessions and, sure enough, I had a boss humiliate me publicly. I was trying to help him but my words got tangled up like that sometimes do and he got angry because he couldn't understand me and belittled me.

I felt hurt but then I felt anger since I had been trying to help him (I have a complex with trying to help people whether they want/ask for my help or not :-) but I realized that, with that particular person, I should stay away from him in that way. I decided I was trying my best to fix my problems (the difficulty making myself understood because I'm not clear in my speech) and that I couldn't allow him to humiliate me (as he'd done before). He'd never apologized to anyone that I knew of and was generally prone to fly off the handle like he had. So, I decided I wouldn't try to help him unless he specifically asked! And, I'd make sure I repeated what he said/asked for and make sure I understood and then make sure he understood/liked what I said. I'd get as concrete and "small" in what I was doing when I was working with him as I could so there'd be less chance of mistake. And, if he spoke to me in a humiliating fashion or rebuked me angrily or publicly again, I'd let him know I could not allow that (let him know I was angry with his behavior) and put him on notice that if he ever did it again, I would quit.

I was happy with how I "solved" what I wanted to do in the future and it made me feel better to have a plan. Sounds like you have to decide if you want to work on leaving other people's problems alone (and how to do that) or how better to accept when people get mad at you when you have interfered and are wrong. A plan for future action can make us feel better and more in control and raise our self esteem.

While the boy's statement could have been a joke or could have been taken out of context, you're absolutely right in thinking, "It could have been important." I would rather lay the information in the hands of a parent now, giving them the opportunity to check out the situation and intervene with the help of professionals, than to hear six months later that the kid was in "a world of hurt," perhaps quite literally.

I really don't think the mother's reaction is surprising. It's unfortunate, especially in her treatment of you, but not surprising. She may have reacted out of fear: What if it's true? Or, perhaps her response came out of utter frustration: I can't deal anymore! When people are afraid or frustrated, the messenger of potentially bad news is usually the first to feel their sting.

Just remember that her reaction was hers. I'm sure her response had little to do with you, if anything at all, and a whole lot to do with what she was feeling inside. After all, a different parent (or even this same woman under different circumstances) might have thanked you or expressed concern about the situation with her son.

I can understand why you are feeling misunderstood. You acted out of concern, and you received an emotional slap in the face. Focus on your intent, Julia. You wanted to help a kid. You wanted to warn a mom about a potentially serious situation. Those are good things, Julia. They are very good things. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a parent say, "I just wish I would have known..."

((((Julia))))

Sorry to hear that person treated you in such a manner!

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Perna said: Sounds like you have to decide if you want to work on leaving other people's problems alone (and how to do that) or how better to accept when people get mad at you when you have interfered and are wrong. A plan for future action can make us feel better and more in control and raise our self esteem.

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Perna I am confused.
Do you think I was interfering?
would you not pass on information
about someone trying to kill themselves?
Why was it wrong of me?
I got advice in a chat here that I
thought was very appropriate
to tell the school councillor.
That will be my new approach.
sincerely Jjulia.

I don't think I would pass on anything I overheard, something that happened away from me and that I was not part of and might misinterpret. There were others who were part of the conversation who could report "better" if necessary. A conversation one can't quite hear, about a subject one can't know what it was about or its context is "dangerous" grounds to be reporting on.

If I saw someone in a self harming action or attempting suicide, I would step in and one-on-one interfere with that person's action. If someone told me they were going to self harm or kill themselves, etc. I would advise they get help and help them do so if they wished but I would not presume to interfere in their lives and decisions. I would not look at you, decide you looked like you were thinking about harming yourself and call the police?

But I don't think that it was wrong of you to tell the mother! My point is just saying you have to decide what []i]you[/i want to do in the future to avoid feeling as if you were misunderstood. You can dial 911 if you think that is a good idea! The mother didn't like what you did though and felt you had crossed her boundaries. I don't like other people accusing me of boundary crossing because it means I probably have and I strive not to do that. "Wanting to help" is not a good enough reason to go ahead and "help" if another person doesn't want or need one's help.

but then what happens when youre right? what happens when you hear that and you dont tell and then he does it? then you have that guilt weighing over your head and could even be held responsible for knowing and not taking action against it.

the boy might have been embarassed and thats why he didnt want to tell his mom (if he was doing it). like the mom actually thinks that she can walk up to her son and say "son, were you trying to commit suicide?" and hell say "why yes mother. im sorry". that doesnt happen. but you know what might have happened? if someone notices then that might be all the change thats needed, for someone to notice that hes in pain.

i swear, parents always say "i was a teenager once" but they dont act like it. they dont act like they remember what its like. so if she just blatantly went up and asked her son if he was then thats just dumb. and ignoring it is just dumb also on her part. i think you did the right thing by telling her and i wouldnt hold it back if you thought you heard something.

perna - the people who commit suicide dont let on that they will. they dont come out and say "im thinking of killing myself". usually thats more borderline personality disorder. if theyre being totally open and almost like they want attention for it, they probably arent going to follow through. the kids who do it dont let people on that theyre going to. how else would they be able to get away without anyone knowing? and it sounded like she was talking about a boy. and a boy is most likely not going to report his best friend when he makes a small comment.

His friend said; well you didn't do it did you?

It could have been a joke!!
or it could have been out of context
or it could have been important

I have this complex where I cant just
leave such a thing alone...(maybe its like
a vigilante complex or something)

It's past tense (we're not talking about suicide, we're talking about self harm I believe). Julia admits she didn't know the context, didn't hear/understand what it was and knows herself to have a "complex" about telling. That's Julia's problem, not the boys, whatever they were talking about? Julia has to decide if she wants to work on her problems she perceives or wants to keep feeling "misunderstood". The other people aren't going to stop feeling like she's butting in? All Julia can work with is Julia, not the boys, their mothers or anyone else.

I can relate to what you are writing about, as I too always wanted to help people and found it hard to draw the line between helping them and just plain being too helpful. Since I have had to live on very little money for the past few years, I have found ways to do things and buy things on a limited budget. I had a friend who was in need of some items and so whenever I saw the items she was looking for I would call her. However, I was thinking on my terms of low income reasonable prices and she was thinking in terms of money is no object. So I had to learn to modify my habits of wanting to over help and tune down to being helpful if someone ask for help. Now I know that your intentions were good in this case, and I might have done as you did, tell the mother. More than likely it was the son who denied saying that he would hurt himself and the mother was acting offended, as if her boy would never lie to her, so she decided to put you in your place. I think it is horrible when people treat others that way. She should have been greatful that you cared enough to let someone know. So don't be upset with yourself on this one, I am proud you had the courage to speak up and say something. Just think if you had let it go and something bad happened to that boy, then you would have felt worse. Learning how to be helpful, but not to helpful, is hard. I am still working on that one. This website has information on lots of things, maybe this would be a good question to ask Clyde. Have a good day !!

Thanks for everyone's replies.
You have all said interesting things, and I apreciate
it very much.
My future action will be to go to a school councillor.

salukigirl, we wish that was true abt them not saying it if they're going to do it, but it really isn't.

some ppl not only make the threat, but make several unsuccessful attempts before they succeed.

we think it is quite important that none of us get this wrong

{{{{{Jjulia}}}}}

it is worth the risk of being misunderstood

we'll always stand behind you

Oh Zorah how sweet your support.

Back to work recently and I haven't seen
the mum in question but Ive seen her son
which is a relief.

Well I am working on my self esteem
and some external things are happening
to make me feel more secure...

hugs to everyone...Jjulia