[Rio_]

How do you handle it without either getting defensive or feeling like a failure? Sometimes I wish I had a thicker skin.

[Perna]

Think about yourself and your own agenda. Are you working on whatever it is? If you're working on it, you're working on it and doing the best you can and have to remember that change is hard and slow (especially if it's about being shy or something like that that is part of your character and not necessarily a "flaw"/failure). If you aren't working on it, it's probably because it isn't that important to you. I mean, I think you should be playing first chair in a chamber group as well as getting high marks in school, but what do I know??? Just because it would be "nice" if you did those things, doesn't mean it fits into the scheme of your life and how you want to live it.

So, immediately thank people when they say something, for "caring to comment," but don't give them your power over your life; they don't get to decide if things are a good idea or not for you, only you do. But letting people know they're "heard" is always good but think of what other people say as a "gift" they have given you of themselves/their thoughts and like any gift, you can take it and do whatever you want with it? If you don't want/need it, you can throw it away! Just thank them for their opinion and look at what they say and see if you want to "do" anything with it?

Some comments you can take the sting out of by seeing how useless they are? Someone saying something like, "you should be less shy. . . " that's pretty meaningless? That's easy to just say, "Yes, I should!" and so much for that conversation. But always remember that anything that hurts you is not helpful criticism; criticism is to help, not to hurt/punish. Those who put their problems over on us are not giving us justifiable criticism, no matter what they say. The fact that you take it on, because you have a "weak" spot there (I had a boss humiliate me in public because I was having trouble articulating what I wanted to say well so he could understand and so in a sense he was making fun of me) does not mean it's justifiable! Separate out yourself from what's being said and make sure it's something "useful" to you! Telling you something you already know isn't real helpful so merely look to see if there's anything new in how it's said to help you understand what you're doing better? It's all just information! You don't get upset when your maths teacher corrects a problem do you? Same thing and if it's really someone trying to help you, treat it the same way, as valuable info. But if it isn't done well or hurts or isn't in a format you can use, just thank the other person and then "forget" it, it doesn't apply to you. Yes a student learns but a teacher has to teach in a way that that student can learn!

[Rio_]

Thanks, Perna. This wasn't about anything to do with my character - it was feedback from my design course at university. They did mention the things they liked about my projects, but some of the feedback was quite critical, and it's not the first time this has happened. (Luckily, it's easier to deal with when it's written down as opposed to receiving the feedback face-to-face...last time that happened I ended up having to leave the room to calm down. ) I know it's for the best - preparing us for "the real world", showing us where we can improve for next time - but it still sucks getting all this now after working really hard last semester, when I could have made changes if they'd just told me what I wasn't doing right before I had to hand the things in. Guess that wouldn't be very realistic, though.

Still, I can see how it is helpful criticism, even if it did hurt. Maybe after a few years of it I'll be able to take it in my stride?

[Perna]

Ah, project criticism. You were hoping you were perfect in your second year?

Advice is the same; do your own thing and look at the criticism critically; if it doesn't help you, it's an instructor's idea of how they'd do it with their background and experience but design is a little like art and the artist gets the last say. There really isn't any right and wrong about it so rather than "criticism" I'd just think of it as "opinion" and pretend you're a teenager and an adult is telling you how to run your life. They may have had experience down the road you haven't gotten to yet but you still have to evaluate the experience to see how it might fit your own life.

[Rio_]

Thanks. Well, it would be nice...! That's true about design being like art - it'll be different when I'm designing for someone else, though. Still, I'm guessing they'd be more specific about what they wanted, and could give feedback before it was finished.

[Perna]

And a client or boss would respect that you know "something" and your vision, etc. Just keep doing it as well as you know how and pleasing yourself. You can't really please someone else when it has to do with what you're trying to achieve in vision. I didn't learn until I was 40 that school and what I learned was 100% about me and what I wanted to learn/do with it. It's not about grades or what teachers or parents or bosses or anyone else thinks about it. You're learning for you and if you are true to yourself and your vision, it will attract others and get you where you want to go.

Be grateful for teacher's comments; they're like "training wheels" on a bike kind of, a guide of what's out there ahead of you and how others see how closely you're working toward a vision. You can't very well design a new car design to other people's specs can you? That wouldn't be "your" design.

[Rio_]

Good point, I'd never really thought of that before!