anyone else have these issues as a child !! may trigger!!

when i was little i played sexually with alot of kids age 5 to 8 or so. i participated in everything from touching and being touched to simulating oral sex to letting a girl stick toilet paper up my rectum. i drew privates on my dolls and drank and ate feces and urine at age nine. A little older than that(3 or 4 years) i ate blood from my menstration and my discharge.i started having bad thoughts about harming at age 9 or 10.(younger kids) everything i saw and thought i turned into something sexual, i sexualized female teachers and i am a female and still cant decide what sex i prefer. is this a gay issue( do gay people sexualize at a early age could these issues just be because i am gay, are these things normal for a child, does anyone know of a book that may help me.

thanks muffi

Hi Muffi

Just a couple questions...

How old are you now?

Are you seeing a therapist?

I am not sure about any books, but I would suggest seeking out guidance from a therapist. I don't believe this is just a "Gay" issue. I think that there are some underlying issues that could have been contributing to these behaviors.

Good luck to you.

I am 32. I have been in counseling but I am very analytical ,psychology is all guesses as far as abuse goes, no proof in any arena, so i really dont know if anything can help me.

there's nothing wrong with being analytical and wanting things to be definitive. You are the only one who lives in your body - do you have some suspicions of how or why "normal" curiosity with peers advanced into something beyond what is considered normal (and please, i mean no judgment as i state this - just being descriptive)? If you discover the source, things may become clearer to you.
I'm just going to toss something out here and hope that it doesn't offend you:
some people, and maybe not you, but some intellectualize as a coping mechanism to avoid the emotions that are so hard to embrace. Would never blame you for that, it's just that it could impede you from achieving the truth you seek. I truly wish you a safe passage though this.
PS. I think you are phenomenally brave for sharing this. I had one incident that would fit in with what you described, and honestly, anonymous or not, i can write it, have never told a soul that it happend, doubt i ever will. I admire you.

... i, too, was a very sexualized child. i had a lot of shame around it. i didn't have any flashbacks of abuse until i was 16. didn't seek therapy untill 22 when i kept connecting the dots and they all led back to sex abuse. course there was more to it than just being a sexualized child... fear of sex, no dating, nightmares, bad coping mechanisms....

When I was 7 or 8 I (occasionally) played (sort of) sexually with 1 or 2 kids. I remember regretting, by the time I was 11 or 12, that it hadn't been more because by then I was supposed to be old enough to know better.

As for having issues -- if muffi had happened to tell me (what she posted) when I was some ages, I might've been squicked out. If she'd told me when I was other ages, I might've been jealous 'cause other kids had done cooler things than I had -- i.e., things I kind of wanted to try myself, but was afraid to.

One issue I do remember having occasionally was that I hadn't been caught yet, that there was nothing stopping me from doing more, and that by the time I did get caught I might be in big trouble. What actually did stop me (to my part-disappointment, part-relief) was when other kids would point out what their boundaries were.

Later on, age 12 and up, after I'd discovered certain activities I could do by myself that felt good but that I knew I wasn't "supposed" to be doing, I'd sometimes wonder what it meant about me that I liked doing them. It took me quite a while longer to discover that other people liked doing them too and that we could sometimes enjoy doing them together.

I guess I must've been a bit sheltered. It took even longer for me to find out that there were lots and lots of things that other people enjoyed doing, together or by themselves, that I wasn't even interested in trying.

So muffi, have we begun to answer your question, "Anyone else have these issues as a child?" Can you tell what the issue seems to be for you now, about stuff that you did back then, or are you still circling around it, trying to figure it out?

One of my concerns (it might be one of yours too) was, "Is this normal?" Perhaps the most refreshing answer I've ever seen to that, appears in Elysium3006's signature. She chose not to include it this time but if you happen not to have seen it yet, you could go to her profile (the About Me tab) for a look.

I agree with Miri, by the way, that it was brave of you to share this.

thanks guys
muffi

been there, been there,been there.. really thought i was bad but always kept doing it...

done bad things but no more. hard to combat what they teach you. sex= bad sin always to me. bad but not my fault. glad im not the only one. want answers..always. but too scary.

kids should NEVER be sexualised in any form. their brains cannot comprehend until after puberty..

sorry anyone has to suffer this. we can all heal...

~Scriabin of TBC

also wanted to say im ABSOLUTELY not judging,.. i would never judge anyone on here.

just get protective when thinking about these issues. i care profoundly.

Care about what?

I know people have been sexualized but what sexualizes children, i mean can it be that other kids teach them stuff, or there gay or born that way. My t says that it's through exposure or abuse but how does anyone know that for sure, it's not a scientfic answer, why do people do the things i have done and have bad thoughts and impulses and all the other stuff i have mentioned, i am way to analytical for someone just to say this is why and me believe it.

Muffi

Or else:
When they find themselves having thoughts and impulses (as we all do, all the time) how do they go about deciding that certain ones must be "bad"?
I don't blame you in the slightest. I wouldn't want to have to believe something on someone's say-so either. If they were obviously speaking from their own personal experience, I might accept that it was so for them and maybe also look at whether anything like it ever seemed to be so for me.

I'm a long, long way from remembering everything that's ever happened to me (and, of course, distinguishing what I do remember from what I might have made up or forgotten).

This, all by itself, may sound a bit out of context, but here goes: I prefer to "go on about my business" as much as possible and notice how I operate right now. Then, if I do find myself, for instance, unaccountably avoiding some kind of situations (talking on the phone to people I don't know?) or seeking out others (chocolate chip cookies?) and that seems to get in the way of whatever I'm doing and I happen to have time...

... I'll occasionally pick up that thread, and follow it for a while, and see what else it happens to lead me to...

... until I either make some interesting connections (to be followed up eventually) or let it drop till the next time I think of it.

As far as I can tell, I was never sexually abused. Anything sexual seemed to be such a big non-no, though, that that alone had my curiosity about it way up.

i have an admission to make i tasted my menstration blood at 15 by sucking on my tampon, so embrassed by this still

Muffi, if you feel better telling us this stuff, have at it. I guess that must be one more of the things that we're here for.

I'm a guy, so I can't exactly match you on that particular item. However, if you and I were ever to have a who's-done-the-most-embarrassing-things contest, it's by no means a sure thing who'd win -- and I'm pretty sure there are many here who could outdo either of us if they wanted to. For whatever reason, I'm not feeling the urge to confess to any of mine right now but you're certainly welcome to continue with yours if you find it helps you in any way.

----------------------
My personal approximate level of shock right now (others may vary):

muffi,

i got married at age 26 and believed that i was a virgin. this was important to me because of my spiritual beliefs. my first night of marriage was terrifying to me and i thought, "oh well, i'm just nervous cos its the first time."

fast forward about 10 years and i am having flashbacks to memories of sexual things happening to me that are WAY wrong. i am in my 50's now and still dealing with the after-effects of being sexually abused and traumatized from infancy until somewhere in my teens.

random memory, at age 9ish of mom taking me to doctor because i had an early menstrual period. in truth i did not start having periods until i was 14. when i was 9 i was raped and got blood on my underwear and can remember biting a small wart off my finger, a few days later, so i could drip blood on a pad and keep up the pretense of menstruating.

i share this stuff, not to gross you out, but because i gradually discovered things that happened to me were not the norm - they were harmful to me. as a result of abuse, i lived life on several levels at the same time. on one level i believed my life as a child was "happy and ok". on another level i had some sexual experiences that i could not really understand or deal with so i coped as best i could and then forgot them. on other levels not known to me until later, i had extreme sexual experiences that were severely hurtful to me as a person. i am still seeking peace and recovery from this.

i am a mom of 2 daughters and as a mom i would be very concerned if i learned that my child was going through the kinds of experiences you have bravely shared with us. my oldest daughter did tell me her cousin was wanting to do the "you show me yours and i'll show you mine" game over and over. as far as i know this was not abuse, but just curiosity. i personally do not think children are able to handle extensive sexual activity beyond some curious exploring of their own body and it's sensations. for a child to have regular sexualized games with certain children and to ingest urine or feces sounds unhealthy and even dangerous on a physical level (as well as harmful on an emotional level). somehow inside i think it must be concerning to you also.

i believe what i experienced as a child was abuse because it was "age-inappropriate", it caused me shame, fear, distress, it caused me to be afraid of any sexual contact from any gender. when i first began to be asked out on dates i was completely terrified, but told myself i was just "nervous" because dating was a new experience. i could go on and on, but don't want to say too much or be boring. my point is that the older i got the more the topic and experience of sex became troubling to me, in marriage this all got worse and when my children were tiny i became obsessed with their safety and protection at all times and had fears of them being molested. when i finally began seeking help it became apparent that my fears were based on my own experiences of sexual assaults and mistreatment.

only you can know what you think or feel on any subject and you will have to decide whether or not you feel you need some help or support to sort through your life and experiences and their effects on you. i truly hope you find all you need to live in peace and health. feel free to pm me if you have questions or i was not clear.

Leslie

I've noticed that sometimes I'll look back on something that happened to me (usually not even sexual), and feel different ways about it. One time I might say, "I hated seventh grade. It was boring and nobody liked me." Other times I might find myself thinking, "Ooh, I was a mean little booger then, it's amazing they put up with me as nicely as they did!" Sometimes I wonder which of those was "really" true; other times, both seem to have been.

multipixie9, could you say a little more about how you went about discovering these memories (recently) and how (for want of a better word) you interleaved them when you were younger? I'll explain in a moment what I'm asking. We may be able to this in a way that expands on muffi's topic without distracting too much from it.

If you don't want to go into this any further here, of course you don't have to.

Are you saying that you now remember (maybe in bits and pieces) that as pretty much the same sort of things kept on happening to you for a while, on different occasions you experienced them in very different ways (sometimes "happy and ok", sometimes kind of strange, sometimes downright nightmarish, sometimes you didn't even remember them afterwards? Or do you mean that when you'd recall these things later, you'd find yourself with some very different reactions to the same incident, maybe depending on what mood (or something) you were in when you looked?

Do these different ways of looking at something now seem equally real to you? Do some seem more like it's the everyday you looking, others as if you were looking from a nightmare or something? Or, on the other hand, does it seem like the incidents mostly really were ugly and scary but you learned to cover them over and make them seem happy and OK?

You seem to remember some of these events, like the biting-the-wart one, clearly enough to fit them onto a timeline. Do the others pretty much fit on a timeline for you, too? How about your different ways of remembering them -- any timeline for that?

Best wishes for you, working through this, and thank you for anything else you might care to share about it how you remembered it.

(muffi, does any of this ring any bells for you?)