[Elysium]

K...we have been talking with the father via email for the last few weeks. Our system has been tolerating this well and coping well.

The father lives in a different State than us, which is a relief, and we don't think he knows where abouts we live. He has a history of being physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive.

We have tried this before...to communicate with him and try and talk about bad times in an attempt to get some acknowledgment and validation for his behaviors and for our pain.

It's really stupid cause most of us know we can't change him and we don't really want to anymore, but one of us...we're not sure who...is hell bent on getting justice for ourselves and can't stop communicating with him.

We are not sure about who is doing it. None of us are and we are wondering if this is a part we don't know about because they're not familiar to us.

Who ever it is, they've been doing a good job being respectful and keeping their cool under the pressure and mind games that the father is playing, but the father is starting to get really angry. The more calm we all stay and the less we let him affect us, the angrier he is becoming.

The biggest problem here is that the littles are starting to get scared. They want to pull away and hide from his anger and are afraid he is going to come after us and hurt us, but this part won't stop communicating with him...it's like they're obsessed.

Not sure what to do about this, but it's making a lot of us nervous!! Don't know why I'm posting this? I guess I just need to get it out.

What if he comes after us...?

Tosh

[chaotic13]

Can you honor and accept how the little ones are feeling but double checking to make sure there is no way he can hurt them anymore. Once you double check this, you can then tell them all the ways you know they are now safe and that the adult parts will protect them.

How would you protect and help an outside child be and feel safe?

first off...make sure you are safe.

physically.
is your residence safe? doors, windows, locks etc? check them...replace everything that looks vulnerable. keep the old standby handy...a louisville slugger (baseball bat) for protection...NOTHING MORE.

make a protection plan with friends...if you feel vulnerable or threatened..arrange to call someone and say a "safe" word or something to let them know you are in danger or need help now. only use it in real emergencies. have them post it in a visible spot in their homes.

tell your t.

put 911 and your police dept on your cell phone and regular phones speed dial. practice dialing in the dark.

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okay...now emotional...

i can only speak for me...i too wanted my parents acknowledge all the abuse...but my father died to early on..so i was left with the evil mother from hell. i tried and tried to get her to admit to it.

as an adult i raged at her for all the damage she caused to me...but as a child i just wanted her to love me...and make it all right. and the adult hated the child. what a viscious cycle.

the child would pull the mother closer and get sucked in to the abuse all over again...and it was worse because as an adult i was her caregiver (talk about sucky role reversal).

i think its the rold of needy kids everywhere inside all of us to want the love of our parents no matter how god awful they are. as adults we know that...as kids we don't...its just difficult to balance it out.

the best thing i can do is to try and make my child peeps calm and happy with things the way they are...both my evil parents are dead..now i'm just stuck with the equally evil brother and sister (and child peeops wanting contact with them). the grass is always greener in somelese'es yard...we want the waltons...i know my family will never be them.

be safe. be smart. protect yourself...keep everyone happy...show the littles what they have and how cool it is...even if it inolves lots of spoiling ...it's tough...but the alternative sucks.

[Starbuck1128]

Your littles are telling you something... Probably he has shifty reasons for the commuications...My Ex did And I was where you are at... Really.
Protect yourselves....Limit the calls...make he knows he is not the center of yr world w/out threatening him. Do not open up too much to him and make sure your place is secure.
If it's any consolation, I don't blame you for being scared.
Please Take Care

[Starbuck1128]

i can only speak for me...i too wanted my parents acknowledge all the abuse...but my father died to early on..so i was left with the evil mother from hell. i tried and tried to get her to admit to it.

as an adult i raged at her for all the damage she caused to me...but as a child i just wanted her to love me...and make it all right. and the adult hated the child. what a viscious cycle.

the child would pull the mother closer and get sucked in to the abuse all over again...and it was worse because as an adult i was her caregiver (talk about sucky role reversal).

i think its the rold of needy kids everywhere inside all of us to want the love of our parents no matter how god awful they are. as adults we know that...as kids we don't...its just difficult to balance it out.

No,dear, you're speaking for me, too.Thank you

[Christina86]

Wanting retribution and wanting things to be resolved in our favour is perfectly normal as a behaviour. I really really wish I could confront my stepdad, but I don't think it will ever happen.

Perhaps this part of you wants situation resolved NOW? Any way to communicate at all and find out what is wanted as the result of all of this email communications?

He won't find you. You live in another state. You're safe. Make sure all of you knows not to give away addresses and the like so you remain safe, ok?

We want acknowledgement of the pain we've suffered. That's normal and okay even if it's scary.

I'm sorry he's triggering and upsetting parts of you - but I'm saying "good job" on trying to remain cool under this pressure. That takes a lot of hard work.

i just wanted to say i care. i have some issues around confrontation and don't want to overtake the thread with it so i'm kinda holding back on what to say. That's why i haven't said anything before now. But i also realized i wanted you to know i see you and i care about you and what's happening.

The only thing i'll say for now is...if part of you has confrontation in mind and you collectively decide to pursue it, it is very important to consider all the angles first. Verify your safety and take appropriate precautions. Some of the fear might be child fears (being threatened if you told) and some could be very real "now" fears. Consider the possible outcomes and if you're willing to live with all of them. Be honest with what you want to have happen and the likelihood of it actually happening (occasionally someone gets acknowledgement and an apology but more often they do not). Lastly, i regret confronting in person rather than via letter. i never got to see my adoptive father's and brother's faces. i only heard their responses second-hand through a supportive adult niece who was there. i never did see or speak to my father again before he died six months later. i was blamed for his death, the ultimate scape-goat. The only time i've seen my brother since was at my mother's funeral. Nobody told me she died and i was not listed or mentioned as her daughter in either the obituary or the service. She wrote me out of the will. All this because i told. Sorry, i really are trying to limit my response here cuz it's not about me...don't think i'm doing a very good job of it. eek

Your father doesn't sound safe to me. i have no idea whether he represents a physical threat or not but he sure doesn't sound mature and able or willing to accept responsibility. i remember ( i remembered something!) you said once that you go through cycles of a sort regarding communication with your dad. Has confrontation come around before? How have you handled the cycle in the past, what did you learn, and how can you improve the outcome?

CAUTION: TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER

I THINK -
Everyone wants to have a Mommy and a Daddy, BUT for me this

I just wanted to say that I tried for years to get the approval of my UGLY (mother) even though ALL the things that occurred, that she allowed, ALL.. from my birth and my sisters.

I went through many emotional states: whys, how comes, things I'd wish would happen to her.....

I'm 48 I no longer have contact......

I still have triggers though: the way someone talks, etc.

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My father donor - I tried to make contact......... many times throughout years...........
SCARY as well.......

One of the contacts made with him HE ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO BE HIS 'MATE'.
I even ignored it, like he didn't say it - cuz I wanted a Daddy. I continued the telephone, letter commuication.

A year or two later I purchased a bus ticket to go and Finally meet him. I WAS ALL PACKED TO GO THE NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK GOD I recevied a letter from him that day before I left, BECAUSE he mad reference to sleeping in the same bed.
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