[phoenix7]

I have avoided this board bacuaes I thought it would trigger me ......

but i am disassociating a lot and ended up here - dont know how.... just answring threads and then suddenly realised thwer I was....

and everything everyone is saying makes sense to me...

I have memories coming back an I dont knowif they are real - they are bad - I wont mention them here - I was SA by my brother I remember that - funny - you forget your childhood but remember that one instance....

Now if I believe what I remember - there is more.... i dont want to remember it - but it is coming through - only bits ... and i dont know if its real - if its not then I must be one sick puppy! and if it is..... then will I ever be able to wash the stain from my soul...

she was so young...

sorry I prob dont belong here either....

[deliquesce]

((((((((((((((((((((P7)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

bit out of it myself, sweetie, but want you to know i have read your post, and still love you AND the little girl part of you.

[phoenix7]

Thanks Deli this just opens up a whole lot of sadness for me

[Christina86]

(((((((phoenix)))))))))))))) You don't have to know if you "belong" here or not... if you want to post here, then you post here. I think we've all had situations in our lives where we've been abused - even if its "just" being told we're bad or not good enough. That's abuse too.

Post if you want, but only do what makes you comfortable. I know sometimes being in certain forums can be really triggering.

One day at a time. I don't think you're "sick" either... sometimes it's easier to not remember then it is to remember and have to deal with it all.

[Sannah]

My dearest Phoenix! You are my good friend! I care about you so much!

[pegasus]

You are healing gradually. I know it's very painful.

((((((( phoenix )))))))

[shezbut]

(((phoenix7)))



You're in my thoughts ~ my good thoughts! You are perfectly welcome and appreciated here.

Shez

[thelionkinglives]

Has there been a med change recently?

I know the 1st time I got put on Paxil I recalled things that I had stuffed away...If your having suppressed memories coming out most of the time it's because your mind feels like your emotionally stable enough to deal with them...meds can really speed this up though & may make you deal before your completely ready...

(((P7)))

LK

Originally Posted by thelionkinglives

If your having suppressed memories coming out most of the time it's because your mind feels like your emotionally stable enough to deal with them...meds can really speed this up though & may make you deal before your completely ready...

(((P7)))

LK

memories, sub-conscience, dreams....

You do belong

Everything you have to say matters

Things that have happened to us....
The brain was not strong enough to deal with...
I (for me) know big time about dissociating ---
that's what/how my brain tried to handle everything until it could not be blocked anymore
So if I may say the dissociating in fact SAVED YOUR LIFE...

'LK' said above.... " "

Still in my life I remember things I didn't. Still I trigger from things I thought we're over... (it wasn't over - what it was is that I THOUGHT I could just block it again......

Blah blah.........

I was trying to share, to let you know YOU BELONG

[phoenix7]

Thankyou everyone,

yes I have had a med change - I was on Avanza - which seemed to keep me sleepy all the time - now Im on cymbalta and the sleepiness has gone - I am still very tired cos I dont sleep much....

thankyou for saying I belong.....

I have tried to shut this down again - but when I lay in bed some body memories come back to me - every night! I have tried denying them - I have tried accepting them - but they keep re-occurring every night...
and I am more tired than ever cos I am not going to bed cos I am afraid of what I will feel...... wrote to old T to see if he would take me back - said he didnt have to reply if he couldnt and ... he didnt reply.... you get what you ask for and what you deserve sometimes.... I know its not - but it feels like someone else has abandoned me - I know thats wrong - but it feels like another person has confirmed how worhtless and ...... soiled I am ...

I wil ring about another T next week.. and start again.... maybe this time I will find one that won't leave... and that wont be disgusted when they see the real me .

[Hunny]

We sure know about remembering where we did not remember before. Many hurtie times that we would just as soon stuff back inside if it were not for knowing that bringing them forward does in fact makes us better.

This only to say, maybe some kindnesses to yourself would ease the realization.

What kind do you think you would like best? (other than to not have the remembrance of the memories at all). We thought of ice cream but maybe it's winter where you are and a nice cozy treat would be better.



Hunny

[phoenix7]

Thanks Hunny, I am broke till payday thursday - so will have to wait till then for a treat - shouldnt anyway cos Im trying to lose weight.....but it protects me.... no-one will want me if I am this way ... makes the outside like the inside.... unwelcome.. unloved.. because I am un lovable ....

silly sillly phoenix - get over it -

thankyou for your support it means a lot to me

my kitties love me thats all I need - the world.... knows I dont fit in... and thats ok ..... I cant keep trying to be someone im not .

[ashsoccergirl]

phoenix7

i know how you feel. ive been SA by my brother since i was 8. ive been how you are. ive tried denying it, ive tried making excuses for him, and ive tried accepting it but it feels all the same and hurts just as bad. sometimes i get exhausted and sleep all day and sometimes i dont sleep at all for the same reason that you dont sleep. fear of it happening again and playing over and over in my head. the feeling of worthlessness and disgust no matter what you do
what happened to you wasnt your fault and no one deserves it. i thought i did at first but then i realized that what happened cant be changed and theres no use beating yourself up over itso maybe i can use what happened to me for good. maybe i could help keep other people from having to go through the same thing. sometimes i get down and dont even want to be alive but you got to keep moving forward and things can get better. it may not seem like it now but they can get better if you just believe. theres nothing to be ashamed of and your not useless. you deserve nothing but good things. i hope things get better for you and i hope you find a T that you can trust and that can help you deal with what happened.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

shouldnt anyway cos Im trying to lose weight.....but it protects me.... no-one will want me if I am this way ... makes the outside like the inside.... unwelcome.. unloved.. because I am un lovable ....

silly sillly phoenix - get over it -

the world.... knows I dont fit in... and thats ok ..... I cant keep trying to be someone im not .

My dearest Phoenix! You are very lovable because I love you a lot! You fit in here very, very well!

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I have tried to shut this down again - but when I lay in bed some body memories come back to me - every night! I have tried denying them - I have tried accepting them - but they keep re-occurring every night...
and I am more tired than ever cos I am not going to bed cos I am afraid of what I will feel......

wrote to old T to see if he would take me back - said he didnt have to reply if he couldnt and ... he didnt reply.... you get what you ask for and what you deserve sometimes.... I know its not - but it feels like someone else has abandoned me - I know thats wrong - but it feels like another person has confirmed how worhtless and ...... soiled I am ...

I wil ring about another T next week.. and start again.... maybe this time I will find one that won't leave... and that wont be disgusted when they see the real me .

You don't know why that T hasn't contacted you. There could be all sorts of reasons. I am glad that you are still looking for therapy! Therapy is very important for you to get through these memories. Have you ever addressed these memories in therapy before?

[Berries]

(((((((((((((((phoenix7)))))))))))))))

[phoenix7]

My old T tried to get me to address them - but I couldnt - but he was the one who got me to admit what had happened... he said you have to accept what happened and move on - I couldnt....

My last T - she talked about the feelings of shame and despair I feel in relation to the ...event .... she tried to cnvince me - make me see it wasnt my fault - I half believe her.... but the stain is still there - and these new memories? they are worse than what I remember - if they are real ... and if they are not.... what sort of a person imagines that...

and now I will have a new T ... and I wont know if I will trust them... I dont think i will be able to talk to T - any T about this...

today I was thinking that maybe I didnt come here by mistake... maybe its time to face this. It just brings out feelings of incredible sadness that I dont know if i can bear....

be safe, be well, be happy

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

he said you have to accept what happened and move on -

You accept what happened and work through it!

and now I will have a new T ... and I wont know if I will trust them... I dont think i will be able to talk to T - any T about this...

You will trust a new T when you get to that point..........

maybe its time to face this. It just brings out feelings of incredible sadness that I dont know if i can bear....

Part of the process........

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

wrote to old T to see if he would take me back - said he didnt have to reply if he couldnt and ... he didnt reply.... you get what you ask for and what you deserve sometimes.... I know its not - but it feels like someone else has abandoned me - I know thats wrong - but it feels like another person has confirmed how worhtless and ...... soiled I am ...

I wil ring about another T next week.. and start again.... maybe this time I will find one that won't leave... and that wont be disgusted when they see the real me .

It is a kind of "being abandoned" but it's not because of YOU - it's because of HIS stuff. Not yours. You are not worthless or soiled. You are a special person, who's gone through too much bad stuff in their life - and is a bit broken up inside because of it. That's okay. It really is. I don't think a good T is someone who leaves you - and if they're disgusted by seeing you and getting to know you, then they obviously suck as a person and a therapist. T's can deal with stuff, and if they can't - then they really ought to not be trying to counsel those with issues when they need to work on their own.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

shouldnt anyway cos Im trying to lose weight.....but it protects me.... no-one will want me if I am this way ... makes the outside like the inside.... unwelcome.. unloved.. because I am un lovable ....

I love you. I do, I do I DO! And I hate trying to lose weight since I love icecream... and it does sorta protect you from being hurt, b/c you think if nobody likes to look at you and finds you "ugly" then they won't hurt you. Kinda works sometimes, but at the same time - it doesn't work either.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

My old T tried to get me to address them - but I couldnt - but he was the one who got me to admit what had happened... he said you have to accept what happened and move on - I couldnt....

What your old T *should* have said, is that you've got to LEARN to accept it, and LEARN to move on - and that it's not a big button you press and it's over and done with - it's a stupidly long process that hurts a lot. But you can do it. I believe you can.

My last T - she talked about the feelings of shame and despair I feel in relation to the ...event .... she tried to cnvince me - make me see it wasnt my fault - I half believe her.... but the stain is still there - and these new memories? they are worse than what I remember - if they are real ... and if they are not.... what sort of a person imagines that...

Stains go away with time, with repeated brushing and rubbing... or a new coat of paint. Half believing her is better than not believing her at all - that's what we call progress! New memories are hard to deal with ... but that just means you have to go through them like you've done with the other ones, learn from them, and accept that it STILL WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

and now I will have a new T ... and I wont know if I will trust them... I dont think i will be able to talk to T - any T about this...

Trusting a new T takes time. You take as long as you need to get to that point - nobody expects you to immediately open up to a new T (and if you do, more often than not - a person is scared off by being too honest, too quickly, with a new T). So take your time.

today I was thinking that maybe I didnt come here by mistake... maybe its time to face this. It just brings out feelings of incredible sadness that I dont know if i can bear....

Maybe it IS time to face this, but maybe it isn't. I think it takes a lot of time to face our inner selves and the bad stuff that's happened in the past. You can bear the sadness and the pain, because if you begin to trust a new T with it, they will help you through it. I also promise that we'll still be here to listen and help and support you too - so you know you're never alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.

be safe, be well, be happy

[phoenix7]

you guys are so nice to me and I dont deserve it but thankyou

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I dont deserve it

But you do deserve it and many, many other good things too!!!!!!

[Berries]

I agree YOU DO DESERVE IT.

YOU DESERVE GREAT AND WONDERFUL THINGS!!

You are a great friend and great support here at PC. THANK YOU!!!

(((((((((((PHOENIX)))))))))))

[phoenix7]

made appt with new T - earliest appt is 1st June...... wanted a male T cos I knew I wouldnt talk to a male T about the SA - ... but the guy has left so its a woman - .......

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

wanted a male T cos I knew I wouldnt talk to a male T about the SA - ... but the guy has left so its a woman - .......

So you would feel safer with a male because you would not disclose the SA? So how do you feel about having a female?

[phoenix7]

dunno - guess im scared that it will raise more memories... and I am barely dealing with the ones I have...

[shezbut]

My personal experience is a lot of shame surrounding my SA history, whether talking w/ a male or female. Up until the last few weeks, I never told a soul. Male or female. I was absolutely terrified to tell anyone. Those that I have talked to about little bits have been very understanding and kind. I'd recommend not focusing on who you're talking with, as long as you trust them. I am only willing to talk with those that I trust significantly. The trust is imperative.


Shez