[mtd]

I want the pain of my abuse to have meaning. I feel it, and for too long have avoided it with addiction and denial. It started when I was still a child, and I really didn't face any of it until I was 29. Now I want to find ways for it to make me stronger, not self destructive. Years into recovery and it still grabs my gut, the flashbacks still beat me down and leave me feeling like a crushed bird. I've heard it said that we can turn our suffering and pain into meaning, and come out stronger for it. I think if I can accomplish this I will stop feeling and acting like a victim. Has anyone had success with this? I'd love some ideas and insight.

thanks.

mtd

Hi Mtd........when I can't talk to my therapist or the flashbacks get so bad that I think I'm back there, he tells me to picture a door. Before it used to be electrified and I was scared to touch it, let alone go thru it. Back then he said that I was more than likely correct, but he has touched the door and walked thru it, and I don't have to be afraid anymore because the situation is changed. He is trying to lead me to that door an inch at a time, until finally I can turn the knob and go thru it. It scares me to death, and I have episodes where I can hardly breathe, but slowly I'm getting closer.

Remember that was then, and this is now. I'm trying.

[Zenobia]

I have no great words of wisdom. I wish I could say that my abuse had meaning and made me a strong person today better for what happened to me. I wish that I could believe that what happened to me was for a purpose. But I can't.

I have moved closer to coming to terms with what happened to me. It is more of a pragmatic acceptance. I lived through it, it is over and it has nothing for me. If I am going to get better I have to decide to move beyond it. Each time I fight the fear and keep it from consuming me I am one step closer. Each time I decide to walk the other way when I want to break down and cry over my past pains I become the person I wish to be. Each time I am able to turn my back on the visions I take back a little of what was taken away from me. Fighting the to break away from being a victim doesn't make me better or stronger it just makes me whole.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[mtd]

Thank you, PlanningtoDie, for your visualization. I think I will try it with my T. I think it will help, especially because there is a door that figured prominently in my abuse. A locked door, with fear on both sides. It will be good to get rid of it and give it away to my T.

Carrie, I hardly know what to say. I feel stunned. To me, there is so much wisdom in what you have said. I really can't thank you enough. I experienced a lot of peace when reading what you wrote, and know I will keep reading it again until I start to live it. I try to control too much, and I think it's hurting me. I have a choice to make. Thank you. You really reached me tonight.

mtd

[Zenobia]

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[JulieBean]

I call it resilience... i believe it is the best definition of the word. If you really want to know what i believe about this... well, i guess regardless i'm going to give my view... this is the view that lets me go on. Its all religious too... but anyways, i am the fullest believer in reincarnation. I believe that in each life we gain wisdom and bring it with us to our next life, and it is the experiences in life that unlock that wisdom inside us, (hence the quote, "sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth" because it is at those points that we unlock that wisdom.) Resilience is one of the tougher wisdoms to learn... i believe it is one of the last one's we must learn... or maybe there isn't an order at all, but its up there in difficulty to attain... that is the only thing that keeps me going... just knowing that i am resilient. Now, how to bring that into one's life would be the tougher part... I keep doing this time after time... I get myself back up, and i pump myself up enough to move on and really go out there aiming to make something of my life... now, this hasn't happened majorly many times for me... right now is really #2. The first time... i had gotten over past things, everything was fine, i isolated myself for quite awhile... like, all of last summer, came back in the fall for school, my junior year, one of my last chances to raise my grades before colleges would look on them for my acceptance... but then things, situations, people came along, and i hadn't realized how fragile i actually was... and completely came right back down again. This summer is try #2. It will be my senior year next year, and my very last chance before i apply for college. Once i make it halfway past the year, i guess i may or may not be able to share a success story with you. But in regards to the title of your entry... my pain has meaning for me... each and every single day. It makes me more creative, more caring, more understanding, and without it, i wouldn't have gotten any of the personality traits that i see as good in myself. Though at the moment i am fighting for a couple of those back after my atrocious experiences of the last year. I guess none of this really give you much to help, just my story... And maybe my insight may do something, as i hope it does... but the one thing i pride myself in being able to do, is force myself back up after having fallen... though sometimes it takes longer than others... And once you have learned resilence, you will take it with you for the rest of eternity. And that is the reason i can now look forward to the future no matter what.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[Zenobia]

JulieBean:
The belief in reincarnation has saved my life. There was one time when I was so suicidal I was even getting stuff ready to do it. As I looked at the stuff I thought, "If I kill myself I won't have learned the lesson I was supposed to learn in this life which means I will have to live through this **** all over again." I decided that it wasn't worth it to me to start at the beginning again so I put everything away and wrote a long letter to my T.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[jennie]

how does one stop acting like a victim? first you must define what it means to be a victim.

a victim is one who is powerless, unable to protect yourself from abuse from others (or self abuse). many times children are victims. a victim remains powerless because their own disbelief that they have the power to change their world for the better.

change your views on yourself. you'll not be a victim anymore whenever you consistantly walk among others with an attitude that projects strength, inner self-worth, and defined boundaries. learn that your protective defense mechanisms (not making eye contact, hiding from the world, and other meek ways) do not work for you anymore. be flexible. you deserve to be happy. (((Huggs)))

[Zenobia]

Yeah, it is a matter of being a survivor. I survived the abuse, I am still here today, I have carried on dispite all that happened. It takes a strong, powerful person to be able to do that. Sure we don't always feel like that strong person but we are filled with an inner strength that we are not aware of. A strength that has gotten us through the years of pain. I think it is a matter of not seeing yourself as the person who was abused so long ago but the person who has decided to live dispite the abuse and to make a life beyond that abuse. When I think about it I get a picture in my head of that war poster of the woman who has gone to work on the assembly lines. She has her hair up in a bandana, is wearing men's work clothes and is showing her huge bicep. That is me inside. How can that woman ever be a victim? She can't because she is strong and can take care of herself now.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[cas]

yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!! if we really are so weak, we wouldn't be writing to others offering support! we wouldn't be continuing on with our lives stronger that ever! PEACE

[heidu]

So well said Zen.
By the way............Hi )
Heidu

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}
How are you girl? If you have time send me a pm about what is up in your neck of the woods.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Zenobia]

Exactly! It takes strength to come here and open the wounds just a little to help other people by providing empathy. We put ourselves in the line of emotional fire every time we come here. There are many people who haven't been abused that shy away from even the mention of it but we face it here not only for ourselves but for each other as well.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[cas]

i feel like i totally understand... i like you have repeated mistakes by letting myself get involved in something i should have avoided. then comes the agonizing, asking myself question afer question.. searching for answers. questions like.. oh this is so painful to write, to reveal. qustions like WHY? you seem so cool, and everybody always seems to like me... soo why do we let creeps take advantage? do i want to hurt? what is up? you sound like such an interesting, fun, deep person. something negative happens and then you let something else negative happen... it does give us some beautiful attributes, but can't we have these without all the PAIN!? DESTINY? INNER PROBLEM? POOR JUDGEMENT?