I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY!! TRIGGERED

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to continue to think I'm wrong and he's right. I don't want to think because if he hits and only leaves light bruises that that's OK. Bruises HURT even if they aren't dark. He hit my daughter with a belt and left a light bruise. She "missed" the bus and came to me the next day because she didn't want to go to his house. I took pictures of the mark, but I don't think anyone is going to look at them and really care because it's not a black, ugly mark. It's about a 1/2" x 3" reddish-light purple mark above her waistband that didn't show up really well. But she said it hurt, and she was scared. The police talked to her at school. She "admitted" that she pushes her dad's buttons to set him off. The cop told her not to push his buttons. Social worker talked to her, him, and me separately. She eventually deemed it "acceptable discipline" but that he should consider anger management.

I need the incident report to give to my lawyer for our court date on Wednesday. I went to Human Services with the form THEY SENT ME that said to return it in the mail or in person and they would photocopy the report for me. I go there yesterday after my lawyer meeting and they say they have no record of the report, it's not there, and where it USED to be 12 pages, it might be more now so they couldn't take my money. They said they'd call me when it's available but don't know if that will be before Wednesday at 2:00 or not.

I fell asleep OK last night after talking in the chat room for a little bit and calming down, but then I woke up in the middle of the night and started thinking.

Thinking how my lawyer wants rules put in place, like "no physical discipline." He never once hit me, and look how f***ed up I turned out. I don't want that for my daughter.

Thinking that because his girlfriend only had my 10-y/o son roll the dice for an adult drinking game that he won't be put on the spot since my son didn't drink. My ex taught my kids how to play a dice drinking game. There's no other reason to play this game than for drinking. It's not like Yahtzee. You roll a 7, you call the shot, you roll a 14, you buy the shot, you roll a 21, you drink the shot. WHY would a parent think it's OK to teach your 10 and 12 y/o kids how to play this game and then defend his girlfriend's behavior? She was babysitting him and decided to throw a party and one of her friends asked my son to help her play since she didn't understand it. WTF?! When I brought it to my ex's attention, he brushed it off, said it wasn't serious. Then he talked to my son and found out it was. Then he SAID he talked to his girlfriend and frieds and it won't happen again and that she should be allowed to make at least one mistake. She's a mother herself. Why couldn't she understand another mother being angry that this happened? It took a year of me bringing it up to my ex and saying I wanted an apology before she did. And that was only because she was moving in and we might have to be in contact with each other. She was hoping we could put this in the past and that everyone involved could be amicable.

Thinking that he made me take my son during his visitation after my son threw a tantrum and my ex said "I fear for my life. I'm afraid he's going to stab me with a screwdriver or something" (the jerk always did exaggerate to get sympathy. He'd actually deserve to get stabbed. Teach him what pain really is). Thinking that he's going to tell the court "would I buy and teach my son how to use a gun if I was AFRAID FOR MY LIFE?!

Thinking that because I chickened out and canceled the counseling appointments for myself and my kids that it will look like I don't believe we need therapy.

Thinking that because I hate going behind my ex's back to make sure my daughter gets her ADD medication during his visitation time, and didn't go to school to give her her meds yesterday, that it's going to look like I don't care if she's on it or not.

Thinking that because I've given up trying to fight for my and my kid's rights without a lawyer that I'm weak because I had to call in help.

Thinking that I'm tired of being emotionally ill. Thinking I want a life with someone who loves or at least cares about me, but I know better than to even try right now because I don't have anything to give and can't receive any love because I think they're only doing it out of pity or because they're just trying to manipulate me for their own enjoyment.

Thinking that I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed and can't keep a clean house, so even if I did have friends I'd be too embarrassed to let them in. Tired of not wanting the kids to have friends over for the same reason. Afraid to let the ex in the house because he might tell the courts we live in a cluttered house and it could be dangerous. (Doesn't matter that he had a table saw and all kinds of other construction equipment in the middle of the path from the kid's bedrooms to the bathroom for about a year and a middle of the night bathroom trip could have been dangerous).

Thinking how I can't afford self-employment insurance and probably couldn't get it because I've been on Celexa in the past and was hospitalized for 3 days. Thinking how I make too much money for medical assistance. Thinking how I can't afford to be sick mentally or physically but I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE!!! I don't want to be sick any more. I'm tired of his emotional manipulation still running through my head 5 years after getting out from under his physical presence. He's moved on, he's found another woman he can eventually break down once he's gotten her to believe it's in her own best interests. Whether it's a healthy relationship or not, I'm jealous that he's on his second "serious" relationship in four years and I'm still alone because of how I let him break me down and feel worthless.

I had a baby tooth that never fell out until this past November. It's a bottom tooth in the front, and while it's not that noticeable I still feel ugly and that no one is going to want me now, but I don't have the money for a bridge to fix it. I feel like it's karma because I used to always get on my ex's case for refusing to go to the dentist. He'd break teeth and they'd start to stink and he wouldn't get them fixed. Not once in 15 years did he go to the dentist. As soon as I filed for divorce he cashed in his 401K, went to the dentist and had $8500 in repairs done. Replacing fillings with the white kind, bleaching, crowns on the broken teeth.

My dad didn't treat my mom this way. My stepdad (they married when I was 16) always told us what we could and couldn't do and when we'd do it and said I was worthless and his kids could do no wrong, and I HATED it, so why would I end up with a guy like that? I didn't know he needed "fixing" so I didn't go into the marriage thinking I could save this guy. I wasn't on some mission. He swept me off my feet and treated me wonderfully, practically worshiped me uke:

Now I'm the one damaged and my ex thinks he's god's gift to women and I was an idiot to give him up.

I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to go into therapy and be stuck there for years and years and never make any progress. I want to learn how to take back my life and my self-esteem and my self-worth. I don't even have any hobbies or interests any more because I don't think I'd be any good at them. People ask if I write poetry or write at all and I have to say no, because I don't think I have anything of value to say. My thoughts and opinions don't matter. My ex called me stupid and opinionless. The fact of the matter was that if you didn't agree with his opinions he would ridicule you endlessly until you just learned to not say anything at all. Then you got ridiculed for not having a mind of your own. He didn't do that to just me, but to everyone, and it was worse when he had a couple of beers in him.

I'm tired, physically tired, emotionally tired, drained. I want him out of my head and out of my life, but with kids that's not totally possible. He's always there. I don't know how to escape.

you escape by helping yourself and going to your counseling sessions and doing what your lawyer thinks is best for you.....you help yourself by taking advice from the people who want to help you, not destroy you....you're doing great, i think...look how far you've come since you first posted here!!!! i'm impressed at how you're handling things considering all that you've experiencing. try not to focus on the ex so much and focus on doing things for you....take care of you.......let that other **** slide. clean one room....start small.....you do one room and i'll do my den? fair??? xoxox pat

I can't afford counseling sessions, though. That's what's so hard. I don't have $45 extra a month, let alone every week or every other week. I know that shouldn't be an excuse, but I'm already financially stressed, and that just adds to it.

I just feel so.....stuck......right now. I don't want to be stuck.

Work just IM'd me and asked if I'd be willing to work on QA today. I said no, I can't. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of my own work right now. Forget about fixing someone else's mistakes. And they aren't just mistakes because they don't understand something, they're mistakes because they don't care and they just want to hurry up get medical reports typed fast so their income goes up. We're supposed to give feedback to the transcriptionists, and they just ignore it because it's too much effort to change and make work easier for everyone.

I'm afraid if I refuse to QA, they're going to tell me to quit because my production has been in a slump lately.

I've been reading the book Emotional Blackmail, and it's helping, but I still can't get the thought out of my head that he's going to twist things around to his advantage in court tomorrow, force me into mediation again, and get his way. AGAIN.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the courts saw through him the first time around, but I backed down and refused to let them handle things, and him, properly. This time I have a lawyer telling me not to back down and that I can say NO, I WILL NOT AGREE TO THAT, no, and can walk out of mediation. There's nothing that says we have to come to an agreement through mediation. And dammit, I'm not going to pay all this money to a lawyer and get stuck with a big credit card bill, just to back down and let him get his way.

now you're talking! get your back up and get pissed.......at his manipulations, your inaction and whatever else you can think of!!! we're here and we're ready to help you through this quagmire. this time next week, think about what you will have accomplished!! xoxox pat

Thanks for the cheerleading Pat. (((hugs)))

I can't do anything about it today, so I just need to get my work done so I can relax and watch American Idol and House, M.D. tonight.

Human Services called back. The report is ready to be picked up so I can get it tomorrow before I go to the lawyer's office.

I can worry myself sick about what MIGHT happen tomorrow, but that's kind of stupid. Then I'll just be more tired and more jittery tomorrow and I'll probably look like I have substance abuse issues. My drug of choice is caffeine and that's it.

I found a nice fitted charcoal-gray suit at Goodwill yesterday for $3.50 hidden among the outdated baggy dresses. It kind of felt like a good omen because I have NO court-worthy clothes since I work at home and my uniform is jeans. I just couldn't see going and buying an expensive suit that might get worn twice. I said to myself "Head to Goodwill and just look. If they don't have anything, THEN go pay full price somewhere else." And there it was, my size, fits perfectly, perfect color, perfect style, perfect length.

I might be nervous as hell, but damn if I won't look put together.

You go girl!!!!! We are praying and hoping for the best for you. You can do it. We are all behind you here. Remember that ok!!!!

Thanks mel. I can't guarantee that everything will work out in my or my kid's favor, but the fact that I'm going through with standing up to my ex's ridiculous demands of four years ago is something in and of itself. You have no idea. Or....maybe you do. MIGHT TRIGGER He's always threatened if I take him back to court that he'll be the one getting support, or they might even take the kids away from me. Now, I KNOW that's not going to happen. One, he makes more money than me and we have an equal split. He's not going to get my money. Two, even though I spent 72 hours in the county hospital due to a lapse in judgment involving some pills and a cheap bottle of wine, that was before the divorce and he had no problem letting me have 50% custody and placement. He can't use that against me now. He has a DWI, some abuse charges, and some bad judgement that has happened since the divorce, and some other changes in the home situation.

The worst that can happen is placement will stay the same. I'm wanting to make sure some rules are put in place regarding discipline, his drinking and health care, and hopefully get a little child support instead of him now showering the kids with stuff at his house and they have to do without here. Let's even things out a little, shall we?