[BARBEL]

Hello

I just want to let all of you know how therapeutic your forum has been for me. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

I was in therapy for a long time as a young adult because of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. By the time I was in my late twenties, I had gained the necessary tools to lead a "normal life" (Married, children, job, home, dog...) I really had myself convinced that I had conquered this THING.

I am at a time in my life where I should be able to enjoy myself. Our kids are grown, I earn a decent living - there is no reason not to be happy. Suddenly however, all these old feelings are creeping back -WHY?

Why can't I just let this go? I struggle with myself over my incompetence of overcoming my destructive thoughts. I no longer blame my abuser, that time has passed. Now I just blame myself for not being able to let this go. This little tape plays in my head over and over again "I hate myself, I hate myself.

I am scared that I will destroy the life I worked so hard for. My husband and my children do not deserve this.

[bptoo]

Hi BARBEL, welcome to the forums.

I really understand what you’re feeling. I often think that I’ve put all my abuse behind me, that I don’t have to think about it anymore. But then something will trigger me, like seeing a parent screaming at their child, and it all comes rushing back.

For me, being abused was torture. And it scarred my soul. I’ve been in therapy for many years, and I’ve talked in length to my T and to my group about what happened to me. My abuser died many years ago and I’ll never be able to face him and tell him the damage he’s done to me. But I’ve come a long way in the healing process, and I’m OK with that. But I also know that there’s a part of me inside that will never heal, that will live with the abuse until I die. And I have to learn to survive with that.

So, I go to therapy, talk to family I think I can trust (because it was a family member that abused me), and I talk here and other places where I can find people who can relate to what I’ve been thru. I know you’ll find others here who can relate to whatever you’ve experienced.

You're right, your family doesn't deserve this. Neither does mine. But they love us and we love them, and that, bottom line, is what really matters. You do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place. But it will probably never be perfect. But one thing you should remember, when you play that little tape in your head, you should also tell yourself, "It wasn't my fault". None of us asked to be abused.

I know whatever happened, it was painful. Abuse always is. I hope you’ll find the forums helpful in getting some of the hurt that’s inside, out. I’m really glad you found us.

Hugs,
bptoo

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[jennie]

your mind is still trying to "make sense" of the abuse that happened long ago. as my psychiatrist told me today, healing is not an event, it's a process. you can overcome those shameful thoughts. you do deserve to feel better. (((Huggs))) have you consider joining a women's group or counseling?

[BARBEL]

purebugg,

I never thought about joining a support group until I came across this forum. As I was reading some of the postings, I suddenly realized that while I was in therapy for a long time, I never spoke with anyone else that had every been abused. I found myself crying as I was reading, not out of pain but rather out of relief. Finally I found others that are dealing with many of the same feelings and struggles as I do. Suddenly I was reading my most inner thoughts, thoughts that I tried to suppress because I just could not accept them. Up until now I have been afraid and ashamed to own up to some of these feelings and thoughts. I am going to try harder to like myself!

Everyone's honesty and openness has given me new courage. All of you are so caring and loving. Thank you for accepting me into your group.

Tschuess, (German for see you later), Barbel

[heidu]

Hi Barbel,
Welcome. I am back myself after a break and I can tell you being here is very helpful. It's a nice place.
I am glad that you found the beauty in sharing.
I was abused myself and I feal I have "gotten over, gotten thru, dealt with it, etc." I also find that at certain times it just pops up. I deal with it best I can and hope it goes quick. Thats all I can do. You can't expect to completely overcome abuse, you can only try to move beyond and conquer when it rears it's ugly little head. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a failure.
Don't hate yourself. You have come a long way. You have dealt with your abuse and made a good and decent life for yourself. You won't lose it. You just have to fight with the demons again.
Keep coming to our "group therapy", it does help alot.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[Zenobia]

Hey there Barbel,
Everyone has already said so many good things. I have to agree with them all. This is a process, a long process. Sigh. I don't think that I will ever be totally "over" what happened to me. There will always be moments that trigger something in my head. I am learning not to be afraid of those triggers. They are there to keep me safe, to remind me of a dangerous situation that got me hurt in hopes of keeping me from getting hurt again. Unfortunately my reaction to those triggers created a pathological way of living. Now I am learning to change my reaction, to learn beneficial ways of coping and to identify when those triggers are useful and when they are not. By doing this work I will gain freedom from the abuse. I have been quoting Mark Twain a lot the last few days so I think I will repeat it one more time "Courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it." Ok that is just paraphrasing it but it is close to what he said. Anyway, it is all in learning the mastery of the pain we feel when we are triggered. And you are courageous to face those fears and feel that pain once again and work further toward being healthy.
Take care,
Carrie

Oh I forgot to mention I heard once that new stages in life can bring up old feelings long forgotten. Have your kids recently moved out, have you recently moved or had some other major life change?
CK

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson