[Michah]

Hi everyone.......

I have moved far away from anger, blame, fear and deep feelings of retribution towards my mother after many years of hard work, but it is interesting when a moment in the present can somehow transport you back to the past, instantly. That the years of therapy and coping strategies, suddenly leave you in mid-flight and plonk you somewhere in the past. It takes great strength to drag yourself back to the present, and breathe deeply and use reliable mantras of radical acceptance to still your heart and control your breathing........and then the nightmares.

I will try and keep this as "nice" as possible.......I do not want to unduly distress anyone. But the situation is as distressing as it is, and I am sure as you read on you will understand my fright.

I have been dx with Aspergers recently after a couple of years of intensive therapy. I am 36 years old and female. It has been a very hard road, but I am optimistic. I told my mother of it and she was quite accepting. During the course of our conversation, she said to me "I was not meant to be a mother, I was meant to be a worker. That is what I am good at." I thought to myself that it was very brave of her to finally admit that, not to me, but to herself, and I agreed.

Yesterday, I was speaking of a unrelated incident (which I will not go into) regarding the use of terms from parent to child like "I am going to ******(be very violent)" or "One day I am going to *******(end your life)" (or other hugely negative things which were said to me as a child) to my mother. I had encountered it from another parent and I was concerned, very! So I spoke to her of it. And she said to me " Well I don't think the father meant it. I used to say things like that to you as a child all the time and you are still here, and I never meant it."

Yep.......okay........phew.

The thing that wanted to blurt out of my mouth in a TORRENT, was this "Yes I am still here, but I BELIEVED you every time you said it. I was waiting for the day when you would take my life, because you WERE violent and aggressive and just downright terrifying. They were not JUST words, they were threats and I BELIEVED YOU!"

I am not upset, because I am not afraid for my life now, but I am deeply unnerved, a bit wiggy, displaced and discordant. I had nightmares last night, none of which I can remember, but bad enough that I had to wake my fiance.

So this is a trigger, I snapshot in time to bring all the past back to me, or the small bits I can remember. The feeling of paralysing fear, of feeling so unsafe for so long. Wow.......it has truly blindsided me.

I am not angry with my mother, but part of me wishes I had said what I wanted to say, but it is one of those things that would not have been therapeutic and would have just dragged up stuff where we fear to tread. Conversely, I kind of admired the fact that she was so candid about it. At least she is being honest, no matter how horrible it is.

You may think me strange for saying this, but I am glad in a way that it came up. That the true past is coming forward in pits and pieces.......and I am safe.

I did say to her later in the conversation "I have never told my son that would ******(end his life) no matter how angry I have been." and that is my success I guess, that I have worked so hard to not treat my son the same way I was treated, and to learn the skills of love and unconditional love.

That is my triumph.

Thanks for listening......

Michah

[purple_fins]

it is interesting when a moment in the present can somehow transport you back to the past, instantly. That the years of therapy and coping strategies, suddenly leave you in mid-flight and plonk you somewhere in the past. It takes great strength to drag yourself back to the present, and breathe deeply and use reliable mantras of radical acceptance to still your heart and control your breathing........and then the nightmares.

I've been told to refer to this as the "cycle" of healing(it's no straight line)..... of which I am in. Yes, it sure does take great strength to "drag yourself back to the present, and breathe deeply..." and sounds like you were VERY strong.

It never ceases to puzzle me how adults think that children's minds work the same as theirs....... a child's fears, understanding and life experience is in no way the same and thus children are affected by a trauma differently than an adult would be. ...... and also-- just because your mom "knew" she didn't mean what she was saying to you-- does not mean you knew it --- children aren't mind readers.

Wow! I think you did absolutely awesome with how you handled and coped with the situation!

and to have the awareness to NOT repeat the way you grew up-- hats off to you!
It's not always easy-- I've worked on not repeating the abuse and trauma too...... I never ever punished my kids because they were ill or when they were injured and bleeding.

I think you are on a very bright path!
thanks so much for sharing!

Abuse is identifiable as being cyclical in two ways; it is both generational and episodic. Generational cycles of abuse are passed down, by example and exposure, from parents to children. Episodic abuse occurs in a repeating pattern within the context of at least two individuals within a family system. It may involve spousal abuse, child abuse, or even elder abuse.

You have interrupted the cycle. Well done.

[Sannah]

Michah, can you discuss these past incidents with your mother in therapy so that you can release these feelings?

[Michah]

Thanks so much everyone.......really nice feedback

Sannah, to answer your question, this is something I will definitely bring up when I next see my T. I find it quite fascinating that I reacted the way that I did. I did not realise that it still had so much power.......that it put me on "alert" for want of a better expression. That it made me angry, so much so that I am a little hesitant about the next time I speak to my mother.

I divorced my mother for 10 years to get myself better. It was just healthier that way. And in that time I tried to talk alot about what happened, but my long term memory is shoddy and broken. So, unfortunately, my recollection of events in any fluidity is unsupported in a bad way. I just can't remember. I have tried regressive therapy, hypnotism and so on. I began to think I had dreamt it all!!!

But my first T was insistant and after 7 years of therapy, I had my first dream about my childhood and the effect of this "3 second" dream was beyond endurance, it seemed......terrible.

It is hard to talk of things you can't remember.......my brain processes things that are evidence based, that have logic. If I can't recall the evidence, my brain simply doesn't recognise it. I am wondering if that is to do with the AS........so I really struggled with the validity of my childhood, but couldn't shake the feeling that some really bad stuff happened. It can be very frustrating and tiring, as I am sure it that way for most people dealing with trauma.......that parts of history skirt on the periphery and the more we try to see it, the more it alludes us

Sorry for rambling on.......your question got me thinking. Thank you....

Cheers everyone......I feel better now

Michah

[Tatyana2009]

Hello, as I was reading your post I noticed that the notion of 'parents do not understand that children do not think the same way or process things the same way' referring to the threats...
I just want to point out (and this may also help in making a bit more sense of what seems to you like some kind of a hazy reality):
Threatening someone that you will end their life, kill them or harm them - is a scarry, abusive and an act aims to frighten someone to the core. If an adult thereatened another adult this way - the threatened adult would be very scared, worried, stressed and panic perhaps. Such a threat is real.
It becomes even worse when directed from an adult to a child, because there is a drastic abuse of power,as the parent is responsible for the child and has power over the child. The child cannot defend herself as an adult can, she is depended on this dult for her survival. This makes this threat even worse.
This kind of abuse is so damaging to the child on so many levels. It will make you hypervigillent, constantly on alert, scared, there will be trust issues, and possibly developmental issues to the brain. Constant anxiety damages the growing brain and causes post traumatic stress disorder.
I guess my concern with your note is that I sense your pain but on some level I think there is a discount of the severity of the abuse. I am so so sorry you went through that. I had similar threats but always knew that she wont kill me. That she loved me more than anything. It did not stop the fear and pain. And I am reconnecting with that in order to regain my sense of self which was damaged, although I am a highly performing individual. I am not sure this makes sense? I guess all I am saying is - do not underestimate what you have been through. As you work through the feelings you may remeber more. Remember - you are safe now. Hugs xxx

[Tatyana2009]

p.s. this kind of threat is violence. it is not 'just words'!

[Sannah]

Michah, I would suggest just talking about the feelings then in therapy........

[Pomegranate]

((((Micah))))) I'm glad you could share this. You are quite emotionally generous to your mother.