Why did you stay in a abusive relationship?

if you were in a physical, mental abusive relationship, did you stay?, if so, why?, why did you accept this?, is it unusual for someone to honestly believe they dont deserve any better?

If you did get out, does it still effect you?

http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/leave.php

if you were in a physical, mental abusive relationship, did you stay?, if so, why?, why did you accept this?, is it unusual for someone to honestly believe they dont deserve any better?

Fear, abandonment,
Feelings of worthlessness,Believeing it was my fault that i deserved it.That i was a disgusting ***** and it was his right,he had needs too.If i did leave him he said he would kill me and kidnap my baby.He said he loved me,he didnt mean it and he would kill himself if i left.
He said i had noone else in my life,that noone else cared for me,My own mother wouldnt realise i was dead for at least a month.

He was right


Because i had noone to turn to,noone would believe me and if i did tell they would say it was my fault anyway

in the end i felt i had two choices kill him or kill me.

i decided to kill me,so i stayed because i wanted to die,i wanted him to kill me in the end.

If you did get out, does it still effect you?

Yes every waking hour of everyday

sweetheart, thankyou for sharing

I stayed for 31 years. It wasn't until I found the (answer) book that saved my life and explained what I was experiencing.....verbal abuse: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; I bellieve this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet.

It has been 6 years since I got the divorce....it still affects me in a small way. I stayed because I had hope.....hope that he wuld eventually get it and change....fear of abandonment, but I didn't blame myself, because I educated myself; read everything I could on abuse, etc., etc...I knew that HE was the one with the problem.

Because of the divorce I was met with something I never heard of: Spiritual...abuse; y church of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words:"Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God."

www.c

www.ahurchabusepoetrytherapy.com was the result of this debacle. I've always been able to make someting positive from a llifetime of abuse...written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph and a poetry book: Sanctuary of the Soul.....won a scholarship and went back to school (age 63!), been on the radio speaking about verbal abuse and eventually plan to be on national tv, talking about the same; one of my passions is to get the message out there; I wrote a 25 page paper on verbal abuse.

I am extremely tenacious and will never give up trying to make a difference (I am the moderator of an abuses survivors' group).

Woops...that site is www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (over 17,100 hits now); amazing how something so excruciatingly painful (being voted out of membership) could result in something healing for others.

Thanks for this,I'd never actually sat down and thought about it,Have copied my answer to give to my care co-ordinator on monday,

Mine was every type of abuse imaginable that i suffered.And i still havent been able to disclose some of the things he subjected me to.He basically tortured me

Laura,
I stayed with a very violent man out of sheer fear. I fell in love with a very charming evil man. At first, you fall in love to a very different side to them, that changed to jealousy and then rage and then as things progress you are blind to see the abuse, verbally and then physical. I was threatened with intensive care or death if I ever tried to leave him and he was sick enough to do it. along with threats to my family. I feared the worst thing, of him attacking my helpless father and I was crippled and stayed out of fear. I developed an eating disorder because of the abuse and eventually had to immigrate to a different country to get away from this sick twisted individual. I was told daily that I was ugly, worthless, stupid, an idiot, and eventually they wear down your very soul and you end up believing that. I knew that I would end up dying or in a vegatative state if I'd have stayed in that town with him, I felt I had no choice but to flee the country.

I hope if you are being abused that you can get help and get away from your abusive partner. We are all here for you to lean on.

I forgot to answer the question about if it still affects me.

the answer is yes, it raises itself when I'm least expecting it too. I still suffer with the whole baggage that comes with being in a violent relationship. it took meyears to learn how to trust men again. Nightmares, recurrent thoughts of what he did to me.

I now have a super supportive loving caring husband, that knows all about the violent relationship I had. It has helped heal me from that experience.

amante, princess, sharon, byzantine, thankyou

I stayed because I felt sorry for him. The abuse was verbal not physical so I believed that I was strong enough to take it and that he could not survive without me. (I am also the primary bread winner). I stayed because when he is "normal", he is gentle, caring, sweet, funny and charming. Unfortunately, when he is abusive he is vicious, cruel, vulgar, demeaning and hateful. it has taken its toll on me. But believe it or not, after 20 years of pain, he has started to get help and he is writing and painting, and using creative outlets for his pain (he was abused by his father as a child) and is getting better. But I would not recommend staying with someone like him for 20 years of pain and abuse. it's taken it's toll.

I would never, ever tolerate an abusive husband or boyfriend but I have an abusive son. He doesn't phsically abuse me but he verbally abuses me. He is also very manipulating. He is 20 and I know I need to send him packing but I am having a hard time with this. I haven't done it yet, for fear that he may hate me as much as I hate my mother.

I thought it was "my fault". That I was doing something wrong. I was ashamed to tell anyone. Nothing I did was right or pleased him.. I did not understand why...Something was horribly wrong with me. My world crumbled. I became pathetic. The marriage ended, but not without severe scars....

((((((((( radio flyer ))))))))))

Why I stayed...?

I was a child. I tried to get away. I tried to run away, but was too scared to go further than my backyard. I tried to tell the Police, but he walked up with a firm handshake and gentle smile, holding and petting the dog like he was the nicest most charming man in the world. I begged my Mother, but she just stood there and stared or walked away. I tried to put myself up for adoption...but the social worker just laughed and hung up the phone. I told my brother's therapist....but they didn't do anything.

Now I hold on to the relationship because it is the only way of life I know. I am slowly letting go...but it will probably take the rest of my natural life to get there.

I was abused, in every way possible, for almost 7 years.

I stayed because:
I was threatened that I would never see my baby again.
I didn't know I could.
I thought it was my fault.
I was dependent on his income.
I thought he would change.
I thought that it was Biblically wrong for me to leave.
I was ashamed.

I have been out for 2 1/2 years and still deal with it in different ways every day. I have re-learned a lot about myself and still have more to learn. I know that the excuses I used to stay were because I was afraid. I have learned that I did absolutely nothing to deserve that type of treatment. I not responsible for his choices, only my own.

thankyou so much everyone for sharing, it makes such a difference to know im not alone, what i felt, feel, is exactly how you all do,

i'm sorry there is so much sadness & pain out there,

i am comforted by all your strength

peace and safety be with you.

I stayed for the myriad of reasons stated above. I joined the military to learn to defend myself. Thought they could not hurt me anymore. I stayed close to home and their verbal and emotional abuse continued (you would think I would get a clue by then. But after years of abuse, sometimes it takes years to recover. I fought with them over a mate. I got cats to keem them from stopping by. They continued. And when I was diagnosed with bipolar, they suddenly started walking on eggshells around me. I did not expect that reaction from them. Do they remember the abuse they doled out, probably. I think if I sat down and explained my illness to them, I think they would stop walking on eggshells. But you know, I like things just the way they are! Big grin

FEAR is the first thing that comes to mind. When someone who has beaten you down mentally and physically tells you that they would rather see you dead than away from them, you tend to believe that they mean it. As far as accepting it, people accept whatever is familiar to them. Abuse does not generally start out as bad as it ends up. First you fall in love with the abuser, then they slowly break you down mentally, when you are mentally exhausted and judgment is clouded the physical abuse starts slowly. Often followed with apoligies and empty promises and reasons why you caused your partner to become so angry. I don't really know how it gets to the point that you are lying in the fetal position praying he will either stop hitting and kicking you or that he will do it hard enough that you will just go on and die. Looking back it seems like that is just where the relationship grew to. The feeling of being trapped in life takes your breath away and makes it hard to think clearly. Leaving is as scary as staying. That might not make sense to you but it is true in this case. When you have never been alowed to do anything on your own and you have children to take care of, no place to go, no way to get there, nobody who is going to protect you, leaving is scary. At least in the relationship, regardless of how bad or abusive it is, you know what to expect. Knowing what to expect is somehow not as scary as the unknown. You know what the hits feel like, sometimes you are even thankful for the pain because it is the only thing you can still FEEL. Do you know what it is like to be so emotionally numb that you no longer feel anything but physical pain? When/if you get out, you are aways effected. Wounds heal but scars remain!

-reaching4higher-

I'm hardly qualified to answer this, but here goes...

At 15, I met the boy. He was gorgeous, seemed to be the perfect gentleman...until he seduced me and took my virginity. (Sorry if that's TMI...) He lived in Georgia, and I in Wisconsin, so after the vacation where we met ended, we continuted a long-distance relationship for almost a year. We got somewhat serious, with him constantly promising to get me away from my hellish life and take me somewhere where we could be together; he even asked me to marry him (regrettably, I agreed), and we'd discussed having children in length. However, in that year, he'd also cheated on me, lied to me, got another girl pregnant, literally asked me if he could cheat on me, and when I told him about my r*pes and m*l*station, he said he'd never have dated me if he'd known that from the start. He constantly told me how horrible and difficult his life was and how easy mine was in comparison. I broke up with him almost two years ago (on my 16th birthday, after he told me he was going to be a daddy), and he continues to call, harass, and basically stalk me to this day (seriously, he called me yesterday). I've told him many many times that there's no way in hell I'll ever be with him again, and I've even had my dad physically threaten him if he didn't stop calling me; yet he persists. I don't know what he wants from me because as soon as I recognize his area code or voice, I hang up, cause I'm done letting him trample over me.

In response to your question (sorry, I was rambling), I was romanticized. This "perfect" boy swooped me off my feet after the hardest period of my life (having my ab*se broadcast to my parents and being in a mental institution for a month), and just made everything a helluva lot worse.

And yes, it still affects me. Other than the "stalking"/harassing, I find it very, very difficult to trust a man (even more so than before dating him, when I'd already experienced physical, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hand of a male I was supposed to trust), because I almost expect to be let down, lied to, and manipulated. I know I probably picked one of the worst guys to "save me", but it reaffirmed my beliefs that guys are not to be trusted...which sucks, cause now that I know a guy worthy of my trust, I don't know how to give it.

Shutting up now...

reaching4higher,

it was very moving reading what you went through. hugs to you.

AtreyuFreak,
I'm sorry you had to go through this at such a young age. Hang in there.

Laura, now that we have shared our reasons for staying and what we haue endured, would you like to share your story with us?

My heart goes out to all of you

I stayed because I really did love him, no matter that he broke me down mentally, emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically. I just adored him. I have never understood my love for him. I also honestly believed that I could change him. I could not have been more wrong. He did change for a while, but always went back to his own ways. I went through a time of believing that my sole purpose was to make him a better man. I was wrong. Somebody said to me, right about the time my life fell to pieces, that my heart would meet up with my head. When it did, I divorced him. It almost destroyed me. But I knew what I had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The guilt for loving somebody like that consumed me.

It has affected my life in that I still dream of him. Even though I have not seen him for many years. He still invades my private dream space. Whatever love I had for him as turned to hate because he still invades my dreams. And I remain fearful that he will make an entrance, a violent one. But my husband protects me and loves me. I was given a second chance and have a beautiful marriage now.

I have empathy for people who stay in abusive relationships because I have done it too. It is so complex and I wish people wouldn't say that we should just get out of the relationship. It just is not that easy.