Physically tortured, sexually abused many times and more

(( AWWW BUNNY thank you )) you made me feel kinda good about myself...well, for a while I had at that time...my two threads in that thing that keeps track of them for you...but then I started to feel very pressured hahaha I dunno I am a loon so I took two out..then I left PC for a while..then came back and broke the sound barrier posting because of that I learned more of the symbols and then well it hit me...duhhh I didnt use the right one here......Its nice to not feel so alone....I feel like such a creep because of what happened I was only 4 but didnt stop it for years so I just cannot say it to anyone ya know Its frustrating .

(( GEM )) Thank you its nice to have the support of others and know I am heard and not alone

BipolarBear ..again thank you and thats exactly IT I cannot take the LOOK on his face....I mean THIS IS WAYYYYY out there I bet not even 1 in 1 million T's would hear this...then I think he being kind will try to hide it and look blank but with PTSD I can read someone soooo fast and well that I would know....then I think...and I didnt HATE what happened at the time and he will think this and that..but THE LOOK ....Plus I kinda blame me on some level I feel I am defective and its good to know I am not the only one who has sat in therapy a LONG time and not told all

I may PM you in time on this but ..I am not sure I can even do that crazy as it sounds I fear I will so freak and gross others out and I know I dont know you but I am screwed up.....I may take you up on your kind offer but right now...my lips and fingers are sealed by maybe shame?

Petunia I once wrote a lot of it down in a diary in code..I never thought to burn it and too much TV lead to the code I am kinda glad ...kinda.....to hear you havent told your T all either cause I know you hold her in high regard and trust her but somethings are so ugly and leave ashes on the victim...thank you

I loath secrets

I once said that it wasn't my secret, my shame to bear, it was their shame and burden as I was an innocent child. I believe that to be true for you as well.

((((((((((((Sleeps)))))))))))))
I hope someday you find someone you can trust enough to share this painful childhood with.
I'm sorry it happened to you.

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wisewoman said:
I once said that it wasn't my secret, my shame to bear, it was their shame and burden as I was an innocent child. I believe that to be true for you as well.

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Thanks Wisewoman I agree intellectually but I dont FEEL like that...like when I have thought to tell T....I just imagine his face and how he will think I am stained

Jax I just noticed your new avatar lol.....COOL

Thing is Jax no matter who I would say this too...I just know they would be so blown away..its THAT far out ..I am not thinking its a matter of trust...but maybe it is...I think its a matter of how odd and off it is...some of the what I call kinda regular odd abuse I have had T's and people look stunned at me now this one..I KNOW I would come out looking like a filthy pig

I don't think so Sleeps, about you coming out of it looking like a filthy pig.
It sounds like you can hardly believe it yourself. Maybe it seems so unreal to you, you feel like people would think you're making it up if you told them?
I think I would feel that way if people responded to it looking stunned. Kinda makes you feel like you could not have lived your own reality?
I guess writing it down and then giving it to your T would prevent you from having to look at the stunned face gaping back at you. This way your T would have time to adjust and think about it and then talk to you about it the next time you see each other?
It's hard to know some things that happen to people. It's hard to accept that people can be sooo cruel to other people. Most people live in a safe world and don't have to think about those things.
When you burst that bubble it shakes up their perseption of reality.
It must be hard to hold that in and not feeling like you can share it with people because it wigs them out.
I'm sorry for that. I don't know what else to say. It must be lonely and that makes me sad for you.
(((((((((Sleeps)))))))))))

Jax oddly I know my T will believe me...and mostly anyone I told but its so....odd that its ...I dont know disquesting which kinda makes ME disquesting too.....

When I told him and others not too many know btw...some of the games none SA my family use to play like tieing me up, and locking me in closets and some other regular kind of abuse kinda things....I had no issue...but this
I am just stained and like I said its so far out that I wear the filth ...plus he is so nice I would be like so gross to him then

But I have no doubt he would believe me

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LMo said:


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Thanks LMO I know and I agree...thing is the ones involved I love and loved...and cannot seem to blame cause they were screwed up too

I hope for the day that you can tell him and start to heal f rom what they have done to you. I am so sorry that you had to endure such a thing. You are not filthy, you were abused the victim. Please take care of yourself. You are a good person I hope you begin to see that.

Sleeps, i remember when I was telling T the worst of it. I couldn't talk about ity, I wrote a story about a girl. I thought she would hate me and be digusted by me. Thing was, she had heard it ALL before from others, every single word. I still got scared and called her a lot during that time for reassurance that she wasn't going to leave me. She didn't. Now as I look back at the words that I couldn't be in the same room with, let alone say, I am amazed. I didn't know how to cry, knew how to self harm pretty well to regulate those impossible feelings.

But I learned it was not my shame. No matter what, I was a child who was taught much, tortured much and did not deserve to have my innocence stolen.

I hope you can make inside peace with this. It is hard but possible. Life is just ugly sometimes.

Thank you BipolarBear....I kinda think I am a decent to good person but I have like a huge stain ...say like on my white blouse and that's all my T will see if I say...the stain

Thank you Wisewoman .....some of my stuff I know my T will have heard a THING or two he has at best read about ..I know this because of how unusual this is....its way ODD trust me .....most everything else I remember ..I tend to block a lot......I will work around to saying and have on some but this one thing I GET HUNG UP ON..and cannot write, speak..etc it......I hate this

Hi Sleeps,

I'm sorry about these very painful and difficult things which have happened to you in the past - I'm so, so sorry. I hope there will come a time when you can talk about them with your T. Even though that might be hard and scary, I think you might find it would eventually be freeing to be able to talk about it....and it would be a relief, I suspect, after you got past the initial difficulties of discussing it.

I've talked about some really hard events with my counselor. Like you, I thought he would think I was really filthy and disgusting because of things which were done to me. And I suspect they are very unusual things that he probably had not heard before. He said that it was not my dirt, not my filth...it was the perpetrators' filth and their responsibility, and I was still clean and good inside. That is what I think for you, Sleeps. Whatever happened for you, it was the responsibility of the people who did these terrible things, and you were - and are - innocent when it comes to those events.

Please take good care of yourself, and I am sending good wishes your way....

Take care,
ErinBear

Hey Ya ErinBear, I agree with you on many levels but then I think on what this one thing is and man, that just blows it all to hell...I then know the odds of him having heard this are sooooooooooooooooooooooo low and it is so beyond odd and vile that it ends up back on me I cannot even imagine saying it.....I mean I have told him about all the usual SA kinda stuff and odd torture stuff but NOT THIS this goes beyond odd SA ...I cannot even find a word to say how odd it is.....and then I am saddened that it will come down on me ..I am sure he would act and be kind but he would be sickened and repulsed by me and so I cannot say it .....he would be the only one I could say it to but even then..I can't
Recently I kind of tried to go IN that direction but could not even go near it I was so vague

I'm sorry you have such a burden to carry by yourself, sleeps. I would help if I could.

((((((((((Sleeps))))))))))))) I wish I could help too. I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

I'm so sorry, Sleeps

I also want to say that I would never, EVER judge you (or anybody, for that matter) because of anything SA related. Absolutely never. I would like to hope that your T is the same way, for your sake.

Thank you Petunia, Ozzie and LMO thing is I just cannot say it write it...anything it...Heck even with the other stuff I said it all very clinical and was miles from it like I was a reporter but this....sigh ya know?

Hey Sleeps, could you just write down the first letter of each word of what it is and then safely burn or flush or rip-up or other wise dump it, for starters at moving it. Teeny bit at a time. No pressure, no schedule, just a teeny start? Whatever it is, I forgive you, and, remember, it's ok to forgive yourself. ok?