[Evening]

One of my main abusers was an incredibly violent, but I've never known what kind of abuse to call it. I know he was mentally/emotionally abusive, but he was also the single most terrifying I have ever known, yet he never laid a finger on me. I've been beaten by a relative before and had the bruises to show (not that anyone in my family cared at all), yet that paled in comparison.
My mothers boyfriend would become demonic when he was angry, in my face screaming until he was red and I couldn't get away from him. He'd stand at my door and yell forever, I'd block my ears so that I didn't have to hear him, but I had nowhere to go.
And he would punch things, I remember he had this tooth ache for a while so he punched a hole through the front door and in the cupboards (after we moved out of that house they ended up replacing the entire front door), he threw the VCR through the wall because it stopped working. A few years later he also punched our bathroom window out.

He would stare at me whenever I left my bedroom, if I went into the kitchen to get some food he'd sit there and stare the whole time to intimidate me. Sometimes I'd sneak out of my room when I thought he was asleep (I lived in my room because I was terrified of him), but sometimes I'd turn around and there he would be lying on the couch staring straight through me.

He'd tell me I was a drama queen, a manipulator, if I looked at someone sideways he'd make a deal that I was giving daggers at people (even if he said it as a joke he was really drawing attention to make me look like a b----), he always told me that all the bad things that were happening to us were my fault because my bad thoughts were creating negative energies to cause these things to happen, so every person who used him, stole from us or whatever wasn't because he was friends with drug addicts and criminals, it was because of me.

He drove his car like a lunatic, way too fast, and when we moved somewhere away from the main city where we had to drive through the hills, he would drive on the other side of the road as we were going around every corner where we couldn't see if other cars were coming. My mother pointed out to me recently that he was most probably doing it to intimidate me.

All he wanted was to get rid of me, which he did eventually, but when I came back and yelling etc. wasn't working he started getting a bit more, um, sleazy, hitting me on the *** when I walked past, telling me I was really attractive and telling me to look at him so he could see how beautiful my eyes were. It just disgusts me to think about.

He came into a therapy session one day, my therapist wanted to speak to my mother, of course he wasn't going to have any of that because he knew exactly what my therapist would say, so he came knocking on the door instead. I don't remember it (I vaguely remember the incident itself but not the details of what was said or anything) but my therapist remembers and even has in her notes that he ended up being 'escorted' out by a male staff member. After that I remember sitting in the car while he yelled at me that I was never seeing my therapist again because she was brainwashing me into hating him.

Another time he told my mother (whether or not he was telling the truth we will never know) that someone had threatened to kill me, so we drove to this persons house, he got an axe out of the car that was lying by my feet, and he went and knocked on their door. They never answered, and I now think he knew they weren't home.

Eventually I had to get out of there so I moved in with my aunty for a while while he and my mother lived in a car doing heroin, until he went to jail for a year on 25 charges of assault, theft and trespassing, and I think some car registration/no license stuff.
But while I was living with my aunty something happened to all our belongings (I was lied to initially and was told everything was stolen with their car, but you can't fit furniture and 3 peoples belongings in a car. Then I was told they'd left it at someone's house and never went to get it, but who knows, it could have been sold for drugs, I have no idea).

Anyway, that's the basic story. The thing is I don't know what kind of abuse to class this as, is it domestic violence? If someone can give me an idea I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry if this is a long post, I didn't want to sound melodramatic, but it's kind of hard to keep the story short.

[Sannah]

Domestic Terrorizing maybe? Would certainly cause C-PTSD I would think. Your poor nervous system never got a chance to relax. You can learn that now though. Are you in therapy?

[Evening]

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19, this person is only one of many in the bigger picture. The therapist I mentioned is still my same therapist, I first started seeing her for nightmares when I was 10 or 11 (before my mothers boyfriend came along), so I've seen her for over a decade. I don't see her so much now though, I haven't been there for months after an incident on another forum upset me so much that I stopped going.
She is far away for me, I would have to catch 3 buses to get there. I used to get my grandparents to take me but I have been 'taking a break' from most of my family for the last few weeks.

So sorry this happened, Evening. Wishing you the best and hope you find some peace.

[lynn P.]

(((Evening))) this is definitely mental torment with the impending threat of physical abuse. If I ever did divorce my husband, this is why I would never bring a man around my girls. It's sad your mom's addiction to drugs made her vulnerable to tolerate him. He's a shameful and cruel person and I'm sorry you had to suffer his wrath.

[googley]

This is child abuse. It doesn't matter if he was physically violent towards you, he was still violent and threatening. It would be verbal and emotional abuse. It doesn't matter that he was not legally (at least that is what i understood from the post- sorry if I"m wrong) your parent. He was in a custodial role because he was living in your house. You were a child. Hence it was child abuse. Domestic violence is among adults (of which there can be physical, mental emotional etc....) When a child is involved it is child abuse.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are seeing a T to deal with this.

[Evening]

No he was not legally my parent (although he would always tell people I was), he was a gambler, alcoholic, drug addict and compulsive liar, and he was always in trouble with the police so he would change his name all the time and keep swapping cars, but this was also partly because he and my mother were involved in a drug ring and we had the police undercover out the front of our house, so he had to throw them off track. I hated when he told these people he was my father, but he had manipulated my mother so much that she was fully on his side, she started calling me selfish and say I was inconsiderate of others too. I knew a lot of what he was doing was wrong, I don't like lying, but he always would. When we had to move house he gave the new land agent his mobile number as our old landlords, and when she called he put on an accent and was pretending to be our landlord, saying we were great tenants, etc.. All I wanted to do was yell out 'he's lying! It's not the landlord!', but can you imagine what would have happened?! He was very capable of hitting me, I remember the one time he nearly did, I still remember the look on his face. The only reason he didn't was because he was slowly building up on the abuse, he had to make sure he'd controlled my mother enough that he'd get away with it.
The guy was a complete quack, he even found someone's wallet so he used all their cards and details to connect our phone, etc. and we didn't pay a cent because it wasn't in our name. I thought it was just another of his alias' until my mother told me it was an actual person. I felt terrible.

I always called it verbal and emotional/mental abuse, I just wasn't sure about the violence part of it, throwing and punching things, putting us at risk while he was driving, etc. I thought perhaps it was because my mother was involved, that I was a witness to domestic violence.

And it all started because my mother was trying to help him, he was living in a car when we met him (he was friends with our neighbours), so she said he could stay with us. He moved in literally the day we met him.

[Perna]

I would call it emotional/psychological abuse. What your mother did in putting you in this man's path though was child abuse on her part.

Are you getting help now, out of those kinds of situations and/or on your own?

[Evening]

Yeah I moved out of home when I was 17, so it will be 5 years in December that I've been on my own.
My mother was abusive and neglected me too, although I was so used to it that it didn't actually occur to me until she said it herself. She is a lot better than she used to be, she has been in rehab and our relationship is a lot better. She is the only person who abused me that I forgive, because she fully acknowledges what she did without hesitation, we can talk about it without any drama (although there is awkwardness). She admits to being an alcoholic, she admits to drug abuse, she admits to neglecting me, even she said herself that if child welfare had seen how we lived I would have been gone in a second.
My mother was abused by my grandfather while she was growing up (he is the person who beat me up when I was 15) and has been an alcoholic since she was 15, so it's no surprise at all that she ended up the way she did.

[AShadow721]

You mentioned emotional and mental abuse (with the VERY possible threat of physical abuse, and any of those things he threw could have hit you), intimidation, control, emotional sexual abuse (that could have eventually led to SA, if you had not left), and using a car as a weapon (that IS abuse, I learned this in school).This was all child abuse, not domestic violence as googley explained. My father did all those things.

However the way you describe him, this "man" reminds me of a man my old best friend's mother dated, they were both drug addicts. I don't remember exactly what happened, but he punched holes in the walls, and ended up physically abusing both my friend and her mother and he also emotionally sexually abused my friend. I remember the big night trying to get him out of the apartment. We got him out first, just me and my friend, but then he broke down the door. After a bunch of violence, it took four people to physically force him out the door. Another man her mother dated broke the glass table, broke the mirrored closet, threw things, etc. All these men were crack addicts. Another man my mother dated before that r---- my friend. But her mother wasn't very well herself, she also tried to r--- my ex-boyfriend when he was 16. Me and my friend had to force her off of him. She did the same thing to my husband before I even met him, when he was also a minor (my friend was dating my brother-in-law) and another one of my old friends. Anyway, the world of drugs is very scary. I think just that, being around people doing drugs, can be traumatic for a child. And these people don't think about what their drug addict friends are capable of.

Sorry I keep blabbering......., I guess I just have way too many things to get out of my mind. I'm sorry you went through all this. This man sounds evil. I hope he's on the street and eating out of garbage cans by now. He had no right to damage your soul and your life.

Finally!!! Some of it!!! Awful and Ugly abuse, oh Evening, I'm so very sad. I don't seem to be able to cry for me right now but I feel the tears a'rollin down my cheeks for the little girl that was you not so very long ago...I understand about the other stuff now. Monster!!! oh, and yes, your mom would've lost you if the authorities had known!!! But maybe that was a good thing? Getting put into the system is really bad here in the States.

Sorry guys, but, as her mom was victim of domestic tyranny of this man, she made her daughter a part of the domestic abuse SHE suffered,
therefore, Evening was brought into the Adult game world of cyclic Domesic Violence.

JMO--Of course- Domestic violence- Is your soul immune to violence? Is your Spirit, Your Mind? Especially one such as you-so talented and intelligent and kind?
Lest we forget how sensitive you are!!! Which is in and of itself a great trait to have
as a human. A hard one to carry, but a great one to have.

This Domestic Violence-this one part you have finally (ah) disclosed; herein we have the beginning of the PTSD--the Avoidant Behavior, the lack of self worth, the angry deep red sky of
Evening------------So glad you are coming out, smiles through tears --((Evening))--theo

[Evening]

I'm really starting to wish I didn't write all this now, I can barely read over what I've written but it maybe wasn't as bad as I feel it was? Am I just being overly dramatic about it? Not to say he wasn't a bad person and did bad things, but when I look over what I've said I feel like I should just get over it, other people have lived with worse.

[Evening]

Originally Posted by theodora

Finally!!! Some of it!!! Awful and Ugly abuse, oh Evening, I'm so very sad. I don't seem to be able to cry for me right now but I feel the tears a'rollin down my cheeks for the little girl that was you not so very long ago...I understand about the other stuff now. Monster!!! oh, and yes, your mom would've lost you if the authorities had known!!! But maybe that was a good thing? Getting put into the system is really bad here in the States.

I was surprised that nobody ever did anything to get me out of there, I mean we had the NCA following us for months and they knew I was there, but they didn't do anything. My aunty, she was so concerned about him that my cousins were never allowed in my house for any reason, not for 30 seconds if I was getting some clothes to sleep over their house, even when he was in jail they couldn't step foot through the front door. Yet she left me there, never asked me if I was okay, never asked if I needed help.
My other aunty who I lived with for a year or 2 didn't have a choice, my mother was unheard of for months at a time while they were living in a car doing heroine. I didn't know if she was even alive. Yet when he went to jail and she had to go to my grandparents, my aunty and I had a fight and she said something that made me decide to leave (that she couldn't trust me anymore and was going to have to go through all my stuff all the time to make sure I wasn't hiding anything just because my cousin and I caught a mouse and put it in his room). After that I wasn't even allowed to go to my aunties house anymore, I'd lived there for years and when she found out I'd been there packing my belongings she said I had no right in her house anymore without her permission and to give back the key. I hadn't even moved out yet! So she grabbed boxes and tipped my belongings into them and gave them to me.
My cousin told me later that the whole thing was to get m out of her house and go back with my mother, despite knowing full well who I was going back to.
And my grandmother said to my therapist that she was worried he was sexually abusing me, is that what it had to be for someone to care?
I was treated like I was being a hassle whenever I asked for help, it was as though they were only helping when I asked to cover their own backs and say 'well I did this for you, I called the police when you asked, you can't say I did nothing'.

And my family wonders why I've not spoken to them recently, I don't know, perhaps my resentment has caught up with me?

[by.grace]

NO!!!!!



Do not EVER doubt yourself or minimize the torture you experienced. I'm sure it was much much worse than you've shared so far.
Your mind wants to protect you from the pain by denying.



What happened was real & horrible & should never have happened.


But you found us & we love you.

Now it's your job to heal from the inside out
& everyone here will help.


Remember friends are the family you get to pick!
So learn how to pick the good ones
cause you deserve the BEST!

[Evening]

Bahahaha I totally freaked out when you said 'NOOO!', I was like ! I have to laugh at myself...

[by.grace]

Ok, guess I took too long to post & you snuck in another post. I was responding to your previous post where you said,

"but maybe wasn't as bad as I feel it was? Am I just being overly dramatic about it?

Let me repeat: NO, you are not being overly dramatic!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean by that demonic look. I've faced it myself & let it scare me into uncontrollable screaming hysterics curled into fetal position cowering in my closet. That time he didn't even need to touch me to torture.

When one of my abusers tried to excuse his behavior by pointing out he could have used a baseball bat but didn't, I almost upchucked, I felt so nauseous. What was he looking for from me, some kind of good conduct medal?!?!?

Just because some people batter with words instead of fists, does not make the abuse any less painful.

It just means the scars don't show.

[Evening]

They always make excuses, it someone elses fault i.e. mine for playing mind games with people (something he'd always say), my therapist for brainwashing me, the people who used us, my family, whatever. But never his. And he would go on about this crap that when he was my age he was working, etc. etc. and I'm just a selfish f* up c* for my behaviour.

I was so scared of him I wished he'd hit me or something just to draw attention, because people never look at what they can't see. Physical scars heal but mental ones don't, and I don't like to claim any abuse as any worse than another.
I can't get in any mild tiff with another person, my triggers from people's anger can last in excess of 2 days, it's probably the most extreme of all my triggers. Even a slightly snide comment from someone that would be brushed off by another person will have me shaking like a leaf and wanting to commit suicide because I feel like such a hopeless person.
People gasp at sexual and physical abuse, but rarely raise an eyebrow for mental and verbal.

by grace! you rock! Absolutely--Evening!!!--Give yourself a round of applause!!!
I been waitin and waitin for you to get some of this out-----then you start sayin it's not really so bad???The h**** you say--and your aunt too!! no wonder you keep sayin you don't want to bother people with your problems and stroll off into the sunset cryin after they hurt you all over again.

You are a worthwhile, real person Evening--you deserve to have feelings, you deserve to be angry, you deserve to be treated properly!!!!

I told you on that other forum, if anyone bothered you, i'd beat them up- did i?
am i a people of my word? oh yeah i am!!!

Pretty soon you'll stop walking away--you'll let have it right back--but in an "acceptable" way- the way i do it---the way that gets rid of them for good--

You start some
Positive Affirmations!!!

That'll start with accepting that you were abused as a child- not that you were allowed to be a child at all--that's why I say here that there couldn't have been child abuse--You were forced to be an adult long before you were one, you had no childhood....You had to grow up real fast to survive-Bravissimo! ((EVENING))-theo

[by.grace]

Way to go, Theodora! You tell her!


If you need any help, I'll back your play & kick their shins!
( Ok so I'm not very tall.)


Rah rah rinn, kick 'em in the shin!


Rah rah rass, kick 'em in the other shin !

See that Evening!!!!! Now Ya got TWO of us behind ya!!!!

Go Team---Go!!!!!!

[Evening]

Thanks guys.

((((((((((evening)))))))))) "you ain't heavy, you're [our sister]..."