[googley]

My T said something surprising to me. She said that my dad was abusive too. I knew (after someone pointed it out to me) that my mom was abusive. It took a while to accept that the emotional and verbal abuse was abuse, and not just what life was supposed to be. But my T said that my dad was also abusive. She said that he was abusive because he blamed me and told me it was my fault for what my mom did. That it was my job to keep her calm and keep her from exploding.

I hadn't thought about that being abusive before. I told her I did because I didn't want to seem stupid. But I really hadn't. I had thought of it as neglectful (it's own type of abuse). But I hadn't thought of it as emotional abuse. We haven't had time to return to this yet. But it was on my mind. I don't know how to interact with him now. I've always been angrier with her about it. But I've been kind of angry at him for not stopping it and not standing up for me.

Aren't you supposed to protect your kids even if it is from your spouse?

Googley-YES! He included you in the abuse by making you the referee. You were a child; how was it your job to keep your mom calm? You were exploited and used by your dad...in fact, (JMO) i think he abused you more than she did, by making you be the one responsible for it all.
You couldn't be allowed to be a kid, you had to take care of your own mother's problems. I call "FOUL!" ((((HUGS))) theo

[WePow]

(((( Googley )))) It is the job of a parent to protect a child - from anyone (even themselves). When that was not done, there was a failure. And a father not protecting you - wow.... yes, that hits home. My dad walked in on me being abused and he stood there and watched then told the one abusing me to get to sleep. He did nothing to help me or stop it from happening. I share that with you so you can see that it really is abuse when a father does not stop the abuse from happening.

Big hugs to you!!!

[Evening]

Sometimes the people who are supposed to care for you don't, and it can be a real shock when the obvious is pointed out to you. I remember my mother saying she had abused and neglected me, I had never used the words abuse or neglect on her because it just never occurred to me. She probably abused me more than anyone (minus her boyfriend of 4 years), yet as much as I knew she had done all these things and there was a lot I resented her for, I was so used to it that I didn't realise the extent of it.
But once it's been pointed out to you, a lot of stuff can make more sense to you, you have an answer for your resentment and you an analyse at lot of your feelings. But it can really hit you too like a bombshell. How could you have NOT noticed? It was right there! Happening to you! And it had to be POINTED out to you?
I guess it can also explain why a lot of people stay in abusive relationships, everyone on the outside can see exactly what's happening and can't understand why somebody would stay in a situation like that, but the abusee has no idea what's happening to them.
But it's not uncommon for people not to realise until someone tells them, abuse doesn't just HAPPEN, it's something that slowly builds.

[googley]

Originally Posted by Evening

But it's not uncommon for people not to realise until someone tells them, abuse doesn't just HAPPEN, it's something that slowly builds.

I'd been thinking about when it all started. Because there are some things that I know happened, and thinking back would have been bad. But even when they happened they were not surprising. It wasn't like all of the sudden it started. They were just more of the normal. When did it become normal? I just don't remember. It hurts inside. Why did it have to get so bad and have someone point it out for me to realize? I feel ashamed.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

Aren't you supposed to protect your kids even if it is from your spouse?

Yes, but when you are dysfunctional and you don't do anything to get better you hurt other people............

Originally Posted by googley

But even when they happened they were not surprising. It wasn't like all of the sudden it started. They were just more of the normal. When did it become normal? I just don't remember. It hurts inside. Why did it have to get so bad and have someone point it out for me to realize? I feel ashamed.

Googley, I'm sorry! When we are growing up we don't know normal. Whatever happens to us is normal. Shame is so normal too. I think that we all go through this. You can work past the shame.