[zooropa]

I don't know why, today. I don't know why NOW. But I can't stop thinking about it. The fear. The pain. The terror. It's overwhelming. I can't stop. It's not an anniversary, I don't know what triggered me, but it's so huge and it feels bigger than me right now.

[googley]

((((((Zoo)))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day.

[Sannah]

Could it be that you are just ready? You have been doing a lot of work and have been progressing. Our minds don't like to contain things forever. Our minds will contain things if needed but once we can tolerate more it is easier for our minds to stop retaining and let it out.

Are you reaching out for support IRL too?

[WePow]

((((((( Zoo ))))))) It means there is still poison in the memory. It has to be all let out - cried out - anger released. And that can take time. I get it. And I am sorry this is a hard time for you. But you have come so far. Cheering you on.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could it be that you are just ready? You have been doing a lot of work and have been progressing. Our minds don't like to contain things forever. Our minds will contain things if needed but once we can tolerate more it is easier for our minds to stop retaining and let it out.

Are you reaching out for support IRL too?

Yes, I need to get it out. I need to tell my story, it's what it led me to tell my T I as ready to do trauma work last fall. I can't explain it other than to say there is someone in me, some part of me, that has been silent about this too long and she needs to have her voice heard. She needs to tell her story and share her burden.

But we aren't doing trauma work anymore. I don't feel like I can talk about this stuff in T unless we have arranged ahead of time for it to be a "trauma session". I'm not sure exactly why I feel that way, but I do. Maybe it's partly because I'm in DBT and the sessions are fairly structured, and maybe it's partly because I've always let my T steer the ship so to speak. But I don't feel like I can go into my session on Monday and say "I need to talk about this". I think that would not go well. I have to wait until she says it's ok. And that sucks.

[WePow]

Zoo... talking to you as someone who did NOT want to do the trauma work... A person does not get to pick when to do the trauma work... the soul decides for us. Mine hit me after 9 yrs of wonderful emotional health after I spent 5 yrs in therapy in college. My first T told me I would one day have the trauma come forward. He said it may hit like a truck - which is exactly what it did. All he could do at the time was teach me how to build my support systems and be ready for IT. He said "When the mind knows it is safe, it will release the trauma back to us."

If your trauma is comming forward, it is like childbirth... it is time.

Let your T know exactly what is going on and be honest with your self. The true trauma work only has to be done once according to my T. And I think he is right because the issues I allowed to come out fully - those are the things that no longer hurt me. Things I repressed or could not express fully are still there and I know I have to go through them in order to heal. You can make it through whatever you need to go through. Big hugs to you and I hope my words help in some way.

[zooropa]

wepow, that helps me a lot. I just don't know if I can go in there and say "I have to talk about this, right now, today."

I don't know if you have been following my posts but my T is doing a thing right now where we are doing skills training (DBT skills) instead of "regular" therapy. This has been for the past 3 weeks and going to be for 4 more weeks according to what she said at my last session.

I just...I think I will feel like I am disrupting her "plan" for what is going to happen, what is "supposed" to happen, if I go in there and say no, I need to talk about the flashbacks and memories I have been having. I'm afraid she will think I'm just doing it because I don't want to do the skills training.

At the same time, I don't really have anyone IRL I can talk about the trauma with so if I can't talk to my T...I'm just stuck with it going around and around inside my head.

What do you think? And thank you for your help.

hi, zooropa,

can't you call or email your T. today and leave a message, asking if it is okay with her to have a trauma session tomorrow? that way the T. would be notified in advance.

[zooropa]

that's a good idea unhappyguy, thanks. I'm thinking about emailing her and saying just that.

[WePow]

Zoo - I do think that is a great idea unhappyguy had. If you can let T know what is going on, then T can help you out to see what needs to happen. For me, I could not have stopped the trauma work if I had a 2000 yard thick wall. It happened when it decided it was time. The flashbacks and memories and pain - they just came.
Let T know what is going on - just be honest. Being safe is the most important thing in the world right now for you.

[zooropa]

wepow, thank you so much for your words. I was talking about this w/a friend IRL tonight and I told her what you said about it being like childbirth: when it's time, it's time. That really resonated with me, maybe because I've been through childbirth 4 times and I know what that's like, lol! So thank you for that. I may share it with my T tomorrow, too. Mostly I'm just going to go in there and be honest with her and trust that it will go well. I know that in the past when I have gone in and been really forthright with her about what I'm thinking and feeling she hasn't failed me. I am trying to trust that.

[WePow]

((((( Zoo ))))) I am so glad that helped you out. Thank you for letting me know it helped. That helps me to think maybe what little I do know may help another person.

I hope that you will be able to share all you need to share with T. Just keep on being honest. That is the key.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I know that in the past when I have gone in and been really forthright with her about what I'm thinking and feeling she hasn't failed me. I am trying to trust that.

Yes! Don't forget this!