[violetsareblue]

These last few days have been a real struggle. Going randomly back&forth in either believing certain aspects of the past were real and not. I'm trying to trust myself and others inside, I wouldn't consciously make this stuff up, but I can't help but wonder if it's just empathy from reading about it, or watching movies with triggering material and just internalizing it.

Is there any way I can tell what's real and what's not? Does anyone have any advice to get past the denial?

[reg12]

Hello violet,

As the facts comes out it is always very hard to accept. Our desire to not want to believe the horror that we see and feel is always tearing at us, trying to rip us apart from the inside. Reading, seeing movies, just hearing a certain word or smelling a scent will be enough to trigger those inside. Their fears will trigger flashes from the past. Keep in mind that what we may see or feel is coming mostly from a young mind that may not be capable of fulling understanding everything in the adult world that we now live in. Sometimes facts and time may be somewhat distorted.

I have found that there are ways to determine what was real and things that were distorted. The way to get past the denial stage is time and patience. This is definately not something that can be rushed. Take care.

[violetsareblue]

Originally Posted by reg12

Hello violet,

As the facts comes out it is always very hard to accept. Our desire to not want to believe the horror that we see and feel is always tearing at us, trying to rip us apart from the inside. Reading, seeing movies, just hearing a certain word or smelling a scent will be enough to trigger those inside. Their fears will trigger flashes from the past. Keep in mind that what we may see or feel is coming mostly from a young mind that may not be capable of fulling understanding everything in the adult world that we now live in. Sometimes facts and time may be somewhat distorted.

I have found that there are ways to determine what was real and things that were distorted. The way to get past the denial stage is time and patience. This is definately not something that can be rushed. Take care.

I just can't help but wonder if it's all made up though...
but thank you..

[invisigirl]

it is SO hard to differentiate.

I think some of the stuff I have imagined comes from my desire to understand why I have that sense of 'something horrible happened'... but I wonder was the horrible thing just what I do remember? it doesn't seem like it would be.. and so I start wondering 'did this happen? or did that happen?' and it's all so very confusing.

I have these split second body memories - fear, tension, helplessness. but I don't know why. and because of *what* triggers the feelings, I really don't think that it's coming from the stuff I DO remember.

UGH.

hugs to you, violet. right there with you.

[violetsareblue]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

it is SO hard to differentiate.

I think some of the stuff I have imagined comes from my desire to understand why I have that sense of 'something horrible happened'... but I wonder was the horrible thing just what I do remember? it doesn't seem like it would be.. and so I start wondering 'did this happen? or did that happen?' and it's all so very confusing.

I have these split second body memories - fear, tension, helplessness. but I don't know why. and because of *what* triggers the feelings, I really don't think that it's coming from the stuff I DO remember.
UGH.

hugs to you, violet. right there with you.

I had that feeling too, when I started learning about things...still do a lot of the time.
I'm trying to go on my reactions to certain things and triggers I've noticed...some of it frightens me...the triggers and the reactions...
i'm still not convinced.....i'm sorry but i'm not...

hugs to you too invisigirl

[violetsareblue]

I just wanted to add that some things seem to be easier to accept than others. For example, one of the littles shared that she has been drugged at least once during an abusive event. The "host" accepts it. And yet she won't accept the other things. The use of drugs seems just as sinister as other things, but she'll accept one and not the other..
She has always been a mystery to me.

[Nupoet64]

Violet, we accept the things as we are able. We are in a "pattern" of denial. That is what this whole thing is about...PTSD. We denied, repressed, etc. We do this and use it to survive. It becomes automatic. When we begin to deal with the truth, it becomes scarey adn we often fall back into the pattern. It will come and go. Bits and pieces will come forward. Some will be accepted, some rejected...for now...as we are able to process and digest the crap. It is a long , on going process. But it is worth the effort and struggle. When the denial falls away, it will be a major wieght lifted from your shoulders and you will see the truth more clearly.
But for now, you are processing as you are able to handle it. The things you reject in denial will resurface as you are able to process them. I ahve been "introduced" to many things from my past over the years. Some I just had a bad gut feeling about, some I would ask questions about with family members ( safe family), if they were lieing to me about the story, my gut groaned within me. I KNEW it was a "cover-up". But I let it go until I was ready to dig deeper.
It is a l;ong process of "trial & error". But the truth will not get lost as long as you are willing to look, even if you deny it...you see it. Then when you are ready, you will feel and accept it and the healing will be even greater.
Many safe hugs adn please be kind to yourself/selves. If this stuff was believable on a "sane" level of thinking, we would not be dealing with PTSD, just a few bad memories....so yes, it probably did really happen.
Please keep yourself safe adn remember, YOU ALREADY LIVED THROUGH IT!! It cannot hurt you now, just makes you feel like you are being hurt. You are strong, you are a survivor...just being victimized by the haunting crap left behind.