[violetsareblue]

Okay so sometimes I feel really crazy when I remember things. The DSS worker we talked to like 4 years ago said that inappropriate touching constituted "anything under what a bathing suit would cover", like that would be really bad okay.
but what is inappropriate between an adult family member and a younger family member?
like does it change from family to family or are there set boundaries that all should follow? like I know some families are closer than others. My immediate family (ones I live with and have lived with all my life) certainly aren't close and even when we brush up against each other, we apologize. But, like in my aunt's house with her kids, they're physically closer than we are, like they'll sit together and it's okay.

but yeah okay that was a ramble
can you tell i'm confused?
but umm...
is it exactly appropriate for a grandfather to umm...grasp his granddaughter's shoulders from behind and kiss her neck/shoulder once? it wasn't like disgusting, he didn't do anything weird. he just did it, and he said, "don't give me that look (was i giving a look?), grandfathers can kiss their granddaughters on the neck." and left.
was that inappropriate?????


Rachel // S***h

[invisigirl]

just reading about it gives me the heebie jeebies.. and that is enough to me to label it inappropriate.

I think it's less about the actual action, in some cases, and more about the intent and feeling behind it. and those can be conveyed quite clearly without words or obviously inappropriate actions. make sense? kind of like non-verbal cues.

[Sannah]

How did you feel about it?

[violetsareblue]

I don't know. I mean, on one hand I don't think he ever did it before when I was in control of the body and maybe he didn't know that it seemed weird, but it made some inside really nervous and were tense for the rest of the day. Like, we were alone because everyone was either downstairs or out, and I/we were actually afraid that he would hurt us. He didn't of course.
I just don't know if maybe he was just trying to be affectionate or if there was something icky behind it...and if he was just trying to be affectionate then I'm just crazy or way too sensitive.
See how easy it is to feel like a liar and an idiot?

[Nupoet64]

violet, our family is very close and huggers. But there are limits and anything that gives you the "creeps" is ok to set as a boundary. My grandfather was a loving man and gave hugs and kisses, but never kissed my neck. It would ahve creeped me out too.
Follow your feelings, if it made you uncomfortable, maybe you could tell him something like, "I am not used to being touched like that. Maybe just kiss me on the head or something.I would feel better."? idk, not knowing your grandfather, it is hard to say...you would have to make that call. But anything that gives you the creeps, I would consider inappropriate.
I tend to have very keen "radar" now, after all this crap for the years I had it happeneing. Two different people can touch me the same way...identicly the same way...one is appropraite and the other is not...because I feel creepy when it happens There are underlying intentions and I can feel it. Maybe the touch and energy transfer, maybe the look in the eyes, something there causes my inner self to withdraw.
I hope this helped in some small way...please keep yourself safe....hugs...

[violetsareblue]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

violet, our family is very close and huggers. But there are limits and anything that gives you the "creeps" is ok to set as a boundary. My grandfather was a loving man and gave hugs and kisses, but never kissed my neck. It would ahve creeped me out too.
Follow your feelings, if it made you uncomfortable, maybe you could tell him something like, "I am not used to being touched like that. Maybe just kiss me on the head or something.I would feel better."? idk, not knowing your grandfather, it is hard to say...you would have to make that call. But anything that gives you the creeps, I would consider inappropriate.
I tend to have very keen "radar" now, after all this crap for the years I had it happeneing. Two different people can touch me the same way...identicly the same way...one is appropraite and the other is not...because I feel creepy when it happens There are underlying intentions and I can feel it. Maybe the touch and energy transfer, maybe the look in the eyes, something there causes my inner self to withdraw.
I hope this helped in some small way...please keep yourself safe....hugs...

I don't know about telling him...I'm really chicken about that stuff and wouldn't want to make him mad or upset..
But the thing is that I often feel vi*lated if someone touches me in any way, so maybe I'm just too sensitive...

[invisigirl]

I will tell you what I've been told (because sometimes it's hard to practice what you preach):

If YOU are uncomfortable with it, even if it SEEMS like you are being over-sensitive, it is still YOUR body and you have the right to not allow others to touch you. Even if it is too much for you to handle just being hugged. It's YOUR body. No one has a right to it but you.

[Perna]

One has to learn what feels good and what does not and society and our families deem appropriate and what not. Generally, inappropriate, to me, is anything I don't like and let known I don't like or, anything "controlling" (holding you firmly from behind and kissing your neck, without asking or indicating what he was going to do I would deem inappropriate by your grandfather). No, your grandfather cannot kiss you or anyone else who does not wish to be kissed by him; there is no "right" to another's body. He can't hit someone, he can't kiss someone. Generally we give some relatives we enjoy, rights to kiss or hug us, etc. and generally kisses and hugs are gentle and on parts of our body we can "see" what is happening and control the situation somewhat. We're supposed to be "half" of a kiss/hug; anything else is theft/assault/abuse.

[pachyderm]

If I ever use that word I put quotation marks around it: "inappropriate". That's because there is no universal standard to what is "appropriate" or not. Different situations can be -- different.

It's the feeling you have that makes it uncomfortable to you. You may suspect someone of intentions that you don't like, and you may be right about the meaning of what they do. You may be wrong, too. Still you have the right to make your feelings your guide.

Well, that's what I think, anyway.

[(JD)]

I would say that "inappropriate" is anything that you don't want. It doesn't appear to be a big issue on this one kiss on the neck. How would you have wished he'd done it (given you a kiss of affection?) I mean, grandparents do love their grandchildren

If you tell your grandfather not to do that any more, and he continues, then it's "inappropriate."

(Forget the physical parameters ..."under a bathing suit" that's ridiculous to set that as a guideline! If you don't even want someone in your personal space (generally any closer than 12-18") and they are, then they are being inappropriately too close!)

I personally think that an adult man knows that to walk up behind a female and place his lips and breath against the neck of a woman is risque.I can't understand the debate.I know I've been abused ...but come on now.My sons....I don't kiss their mouth....or...neck...these are intimate areas.I would have freaked.Would he kiss a strangers neck?...if not...why wouldn't he?...I kiss my boys (all adults)firmly on top of the head lol....or on forehead.I'll tell you...in my life time...I'm 42...I have never heard of a non flirtatious walk up behind and kiss on the neck type kiss.It makes no sense.((((Violets)))) you aren't paranoid

[Nupoet64]

Violet, my daughter has always hated people being "in her bubble". She did not want me cuddling her, unless she chose for me to. She only wanted contact at the end of the day and when she felt bad...other than that is was dressing adn changing and bathing only. She is still that way. If someone gets too close, she will stretch out her arm and say, my bubble is out here adn you need to step back please."
It makes her very uncomfortable, but she was that way as an infant. I could feed her adn change her, then she wanted me to put her donw and move away. I could watch her, but not snuggle or cuddle her. It is just part of who she is. GL...

[lynn P.]

How old were you when this happened or did this happen recently? I agree if it gave you the creeps then you should voice your opinion. The reason I asked your age is, because when my girls were younger, one of my favorite places to kiss them, was the neck. It would make them laugh and they were so cute. Of course now that my oldest is almost 13, I no longer do that lol and wouldn't like anyone else to do that either.

[googley]

My opinion is if you don't like it, then it is inappropriate. It doesn't matter what he wants or what he thinks is okay. Could you talk to your parents about this? If he does it again I think you should tell him that you don't like it and say not to do it again. You have the right to your body. No one has the right to make you uncomfortable.

[violetsareblue]

i wish i hadn't said anything


lynnP: it happened a couple days ago.
(JD): Well usually when I say hello when first seeing him or when I leave, it's usually a hug and kiss on the cheek.

to everyone else who responded, I appreciate it...

[(JD)]

I'm glad you posted! Please continue to explore your feelings. There's no right or wrong on some things, in general, but what you want for your own body.

In my family it was common to kiss on the lips! Just a peck of innocent pure familial love. I know for many here, that would not be appropriate.

[violetsareblue]

thanks (JD) i still feel like i shouldn't have said anything. i don't want anyone to get in trouble that didn't do anything bad. <- i do this a lot okay..


it wasn't totally on my neck more like my shoulder..like the area between the neck and shoulder you know? maybe he just did that because we were facing the other way..
i don't know...i'm really spcaed out right now can't realy think..

[Rapunzel]

If you didn't like it, or it felt uncomfortable, scary, or wrong to you, then your boundaries were violated. I don't know if he meant it to be a violation of your boundaries or not, but you have the right to let him know what your boundaries are and to expect him to respect that. It is your choice. What bothers me is that when you showed discomfort, he complained about you being uncomfortable and justified his actions. You showed him that he crossed your boundary, and he protested that he disagreed with it. It is inappropriate for anyone to redefine your boundaries unless that person is you, and you choose to do so.

[Sannah]

I'm not sure I understand why you wish that you didn't say anything?

[violetsareblue]

we're not supposed to talk

[Sannah]

Who said this?

[violetsareblue]

can't say her name here but it's someone inside

[Sannah]

She must have been told this long ago?

[sharon123]

There is no such thing as being too sensitive. We NEED to be sensitive. My point is is if something doesn't feel right, or bothers you. Say so......Please don't kiss me on the neck.....if he protests, repeat it. We all have a right to our boundaries, physical and emotional.