[SUNNY2009]

Well.... now I have dealt with a big part of my childhood sex abuse issues or ...so I thot.
So .... yup ... its almost 2 straight years of therapy .... went through the csa confrontation .... figured Im good to go .... but that hasnt happened. took a break from T for a fewweeks to figure out what I was doing ...
only to find myself back to see him last nite.
Click!!!!
Figured out I do not know how to behave around people, how to act around people, how to be at ease and just be...just be OK.
I really hate this. I mean how the heck am I gonna learn this at my age. I have been working on the social thing but I have not gotten very far and now I am at a point where I actually have to talk the steps to act on what I have been working up to. Actually practice being in stiuations where I am social and interacting with people I dont necessarily know very well. UGH!
T says I was never shown healthy relationships growing up, never shown what a healthy relationship feels like, no boundaries established but even the simplist things like feeling comfy talking to a person or sitting in a crowd of people .... to be ok in these situations .... when I am in a situation where I have just met someone I become anxiety ridden or in a room full of people out in public or anywhere even church I do not feel comfy ..... T asks what is bothering me in those moments .... so I
tell him how its always been that way .... when I meet men or woman ... there is some sort of unrealistic thing going on in my head .... when I meet a guy my brain starts to go in circles.... breaking down the person, disecting what they are like and whether I like them and whether they like me and then looking at the diff paths it could take in any directions....but then I become exhausted because there is no way to know anything that I am actually trying to figure out ... there is no crystal ball..... rather than stick around for just a friendship I just walk away quietly and see from a distance ... I watch people go on with there lives after my brief encounter with them ... and I live through them ....
I have friends on facebook ... people I have known for years.... still keep in touch from a safe distance .... but every once in a while I will look at their pics for updates ... even when I have not spoken with themin a loong time .... or never do. yikes.
So I am watching everybody and how they live but I have been to scared to try and do it myself. Not that I do not live, but I do not live in a cohabitation I do not get close .... I never see my friends .... very rarely do I go out .... I am a hermit .... I want to go out I dream about it .... but I do not .... I stay soo busy with work and trying to manage everyday stuff that when I do get opps to go out and live and meet people .... I shut down and go to bed. Messed up in the head!
I am stuck in this pattern of fear and learned habits and I dont know how to fix it and figure it out.....
But T says there is nothing to figure out. ... he says I just need practice and the only way that is gonna happen is if I start to do things.
I am pretty upset with this knowledge. I have to work on this stuff if I am ever gonna be free and ok and if I am ever gonna just let things take there path .... T says I just need to stop trying to read a crystal ball ... sorta ... he says that I cant expect to know whats gonna happen I have to take the step and let it go where it goes. hmmmmmmmmmmm yikes!
scardey cat!

Ohhh and I didnt mention this but I turned my downstairs into an apt and now am renting it out.....talk about stress! ... T thinks it is good cuz it is forcing me to be social. grrr .... he thinks I did this on purpose to myself to ensure I fix what needs fixing ....
I just wish I felt better I guess. I get very aggravated with stuff when I got to be around people .... now I have to learn how to adjust to the tenant ...
just got the yikes feeling .... ya know!

[JustAPixie]

he says I just need practice and the only way that is gonna happen is if I start to do things.

Unfortunately your T is absolutely right... you don't run a marathon right away, you practice and you fall a couple of times... as long as you get up. Sometimes we feel so out of sinc with life that we don't know how to get back in and live again. I isolate myself from the world because I am different and I believe no one will understand me anyway... cause I can't meet someone and say Hi, I'm Pixie and this and that happened to me in life and now I'm a bit crazy... I always have to pretend and have to hide my weaknesses. Getting in the social game is HARD, but very necessary. There is a saying that says time heals everything, I believe that was a typo... it is meant to say that love heals everything, and love you find in relationships (friendship love etc.) I wish there was an easy way, once bitten twice shy, but you just have to dive in head first and have a little faith that people don't hate/judge you as often as you think... My mom always said that of the almost 7 billion people on the planet, someone is bound to like me, but I'll never know unless I force myself in social settings and actually open my mouth to start a conversation with someone.

I guess you already know what to do anyway... just need a little motivation? GIVE ME AN S, GIVE ME A U GIVE ME A N... you get the picture... I'm rooting for you, now get out there...

Best of luck

Pix

[Nupoet64]

(((((Sunny)))))...

[Sannah]

Hi Sunny! Yes, you need to practice but you also need to understand what is going on with yourself. This understanding will help you to fix it.

Do you think that you want a crystal ball to ensure that you will be safe? Because of what you have experienced you never learned how to protect yourself with boundaries. All of this can be learned! Once you learn that you can protect yourself (and that you can chose safe people) you will feel safer just letting things happen and relaxing.

[SUNNY2009]

Thanks for your replies...
Feeling kinda yuck today.... thinking about everything and knowing that I will encounter the tenant again and again..... still got work to do on the house.
My friend who I talk to every day is away for a few days.... makes me sad cuz I cant talk to him ...online
and this morning I got to drop my son at my parents ... hate that ...
he is 16 and going to help them clean up their yard ...
i just dont want to go in ... so I am stressed
but also because I know the social steps I need to take and I feel frozen inside .... but I guess I just need it to happen at the right time...
oh welll
cant get the poor me's ...right?
I guess I feel a little down in the dumps....grrrrr .... i hate when this happens ....
sometimes it is a saturday thing .... cuz I know i will be alone (usually) and then I feel depressed ....
but then I am working on all this social thing but .... only in my head .... not for real .... grrr ... i hate when I am like this too.
I just wanna feel better .... sorry if I am alll over the place..

Thank you for reading my stuff ,,, I am just trying to work through my morning .... i know I got to go out into the world and do stuff....

[googley]

(((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))

Learning this stuff is hard! It is a slow process (even kids don't learn it in a day). With stops and starts and falls and getting back up. Let your T help you navigate these waters. It is scary to do new things. And this is something new. I have to push myself to be social. After our trust has been broken by someone we were supposed to be able to trust, it is hard to trust people. Know that you don't have to trust in one fowl swoop. Trust can be taken in small steps. It is actually healthier to take it in small steps. You can do this. Take it slow, it isn't a race.

[SUNNY2009]

Thanks....
So I havent done anything different...just didnt have it in me to go somewhere strange and meet people.
T had suggested joining a group .... well the group he suggested a long time ago was a survivors group .... but I dont want to sit around talking about crap ...
I want to just go do something fun ...
the problem is I dont know how ....where do you go to be with people..? everybody is a stranger....how the heck do people do this..
Sounds so stupid !
I am lost.
this has been going on a long time. I really dont know where to begin. I feel awful that I havent got a personal life outside of work (even that is not really social) and outside of my son (he is a teen what can I say?) I dont know anybody right now currently. Just been so closed off from people I do know that I dont know what to say to them really. I hate this.
I hate this awful feeling and knowing that I am frozen and just going thru the motions of work home sleep work home sleep.
I wish I was different.

[Sannah]

Do you have to start with a stranger? Is there a neighbor or someone at work who you can start with?

[JustAPixie]

I don't want to bring up or debate religion, but for me the church was a great way to meet new people, and there was a good chance that these people were decent enough... I used to go to a bible study group of a church I don't even belong to, not for the rhetoric, but just to meet some people. I did meet some wonderful people there that have become my friends. Being new in such a group does have an advantage in that people will be curious about you, and here you must be brave and allow yourself to enter into a conversation with people. I used cue cards for the first few times with questions and topics on them and I studied them to make sure I didn't get stuck in an awkward silence. Don't be afraid to invite some for coffee later etc...

[SUNNY2009]

ok
SO Sunday I went to breakfast with a friend.
I say a friend.
She is my friend. But she is a very needy friend. She drinks a lot. Has a problem. She can be very heavy at time and she can stress me out. But she is someone who I know and who knows me.
I try not to do too much with her because it is hard for me not to get stressed from her. She is a good person but a little dictating and like i said heavy.
I care for her. But T says she is not the most healthy person for me. But I know she feels like I am her best friend and she tries to be a good friend. Just has a lot of krutches I guess.
Anyhow we went to breakfast. Other than her impatience with the place I chose taking a while to be seated ...grrr. It was good the food was yummy ...too me.
I hate when I go to eat with someone to enjoy some time out and then they are in a rush ... and then they complain about everything.
My mom does this also.
I think my friend stresses me out just like my mom. UGH! ..
Anyway
We went to eat and then we went to the halloween shop for her. She got nothing I got a nice pink cowgirl hat with pink feathers around the rim....and with pretty rinestone design on the front top.
After we left the store she needed to get a coffee and money at the atm .....I was full of anxiety.
She gives me anxiety cuz she rushes me and she is on crutches right now and needs help to bring stuff into the house. I dont mind .... but with me trying to be comfy in the restraunt which was very big and full to the hilt with people and me feeling self conscious when we stand up and walk to and from the table....and then again into the halloween store ....
UGH .... total breakdown.
I try talking to her about my anxiety and how I am working on this stuff and how I want to get out and meet people outside of people we work with and how hard it feels....
She always compares to herself and says she also wants to get out and we can do it together. Sometimes I feell like she dismisses me ... but this time even though she compares to herself and downplays my feeling .... she tried to acknowledge how I feel.
I started crying and told her how difficult it is for me and how terrible I feel from the fear.
I think she finally got it.
Problem is
She drinks alot ... and when we go out she is always trying to pick up guys ....
and although I am not looking to pick up a guy or something i feel a lot of pressure from her.
Even if I where ready for that ...I would not be able to cuz she is looking and doesnt leave room for that.
T says to try and go with other people like my brothers ....
but that is difficult because they are married with children and they have their own commintments and
they also have alot of drama .... and I cant handle that
And they are connected to my mom and dad and they are definite triggers for me.
like
Saturday ....
my monster mom calls to drop my brothers issues on my lap .... I ended call short and told her I could not handle and dont want to hear about it....
But
then I stop at his brothers place and try to counsel him and his very young wife on what they need to stop doing .... drinking alchohol.
I guess I need healthy friends
healthy people ....
church? yea I tried that ....
but I do not know how to relate to them.....
internet friends ... I have a few but they are far away in rl so ....that is hard to get close ...although I am close to a couple friends online... actully I think it is easier online to get close to someone ...sometimes....
then there is ....
My new tenant who lives downstairs from me.... he offered to share dinner for the kids n us .... so he
cooked downstairs on the grill and I cooked stuff upstairs and we shared dinner .... it was good ....
but once dinner was done I excused myself and sat on couch to relax I was exhausted .... he and the boys talked for a while at the table then they went downstairs....
I guess that was a step right ??
not too bad.
soo
thats all ....just wanted to let you know I am trying but it is small steps and slow and it is very difficult .... it is the hardest thing almost ever ...for me to do ....
Even to take steps to meet people or to ask people I already know to go OUT ...basically its like meeting them all over again .... at least that is how it feels....

well I am also gonna try some sort of meetup group....I have been trying to do this for a year and I get the notices in email .... but I never go .... this will be a start and my unhealthy friend says she will go with me.....
hmmmm .... part of me doesnt want to do it at all ....another part does but not with her ..... ugh!

seee? this is the battle inside....

[Sannah]

Taking your unhealthy friend with you to the group might not be a good idea? Please continue to keep us posted on your progress.

[JustAPixie]

(((( Sunny ))))

It does sound like a difficult journey. The way you describe your friend does sound unhealthy at the moment. Some people have the ability to turn every situation back to their own needs and it feels like they didn't even hear what you said. When you are in a vulnarable state of mind it is difficult and emotionally taxing to be around such people.

A small step is step nonetheless. It is good progress and you should be proud of yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself and don't think that you are not moving fast enough, sometimes slower is better.

[SUNNY2009]

Thanks again....
I definitely got to slow down.
the problem is that right now my mind is and has been in a racing pattern for a few days now. It is from stress and over thinking and wanting so much to change.......and trying to change my life for the better.
and figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I dont want to be the person I have been for so long....I want to be the real me ....the me that I would have been if things were different...if i werent afraid of life..... I want to change my life and feel good....and be who I feel good about. I dont want to be afraid anymore .....I just dont think my body has caught up with me though cuz I have a lot of anxiety too ...

[Sannah]

If you want to be that person just start acting like her. Our thoughts and feelings do sometimes follow our actions or at least our actions will get the ball rolling and then we can work on our feelings and thoughts.