[anderson]

It is a Sunday and those within have just sat and relax. I had not put two to two together, the stress of going to church to see the ones that did not hate that which was different from them. Yet being near those that have hurt us in the past. Now that we are more able to acknowledge how those around us make us feel within. It is easier to stay away from church. It is not that we do not miss the ones that welcomed us but as long as they too choice to believe that we do not know who has hurt us regardless if it was physically or emotionally then they can not be trusted to give us safe buffers from those that we need space from.
~
As we type we remembered how some of those that had hurt us used the power play “We are Gods family, there is no reason for you not to talk to us.” That one still has those within to have tiffs about it. To that one we still say that we will talk to them when they can talk to my face the way they talk about us behind our back. But not only that if is God’s family and that I / we are suppose to talk with all the people that are there. Then why is it when we ask to become members so that we could participate with the Stevens Ministry why were we denied. The people looked right at me and told me that there was no way that I could do it and they had made sure of it by not allowing me to become a member of the church.
~
The Pastor is a true man of God but has his hands tied by the church members. He is one of the few that even despite public bigotry did his best to help give us safety and help us heal. Where other members of the cloth choice to act against us or turn a blind eye towards how the other members choice to treat us.
~
He once made a statement of a dogs brain was not much bigger then a walnut and yet they were able to do so much. To that statement we replied it was Gods gift to them for if they thought like we do then we would have taught them long ago not to accept themselves just like we teach each other. I think we caught him by surprise with that statement.
~
But it is true first someone in our childhood taught us that we were not human but their property to do to us what they wanted to do and no one cared enough to tell us differently. Then when we tried to find a hope there where others that used what we were taught to control us. To make us look and act in a manner that allowed other to abuse the body with out fear of repercussion.
~
We just read about how a scientist in the early 1900’s went to a prison and got the agreement of the management to allow him to control the environment. He told the guards that they had the authority to do what ever they wanted to do no one would stop them. It only took a few months then he canceled the experiment. The guards had become so abusive towards the inmates that he could not believe it. But it does prove that man or woman given the leeway to do things without fear. Will allow their shadow selfs to control their choices and take pleasure from the pain of others. This takes place even in the very church that proclaim that only love guides their action and decisions. My T even asked why the pastor was safe to us. We could look her in her eyes and tell her “He is one of the men that has never touched us in a non-kosher manner. All within trust him not to physically hurt us.” Right along with some others from church.
~
But what makes him so different from the others? Why does this person allow his personal worth reflect in both his public and private life? Yet those that have left burses on my body act so differently when others are around and when they can catch the body alone? In the process that we have recall of these people that have hurt us in the past. One thing that has wrung true those that speak the loudest against us in public are the ones that we have parts and memoirs of them hurt us.
~
We do not speak up against them to loudly except to say that when those that speak the loudest against us look in the mirror they must look dang ugly to themselves for we only see the ugliness that their choices have made them.
~
Even in the tidal wave of pain from the abuse we try our best to judge a person by the color of his soul. Which is saying by how he choices to act towards others.
~
We do miss the people within the church that are open and honest. But at this point and time we do not miss the dark souls that have hurt us and act in public that they have never did anything to us. When we feel safe within we may or will go back but that will be at the time that we know that we can be safe regardless of who is there or not.

[Sannah]

These people drive me crazy. I have known some very bad people and they were very religious. Of course there are good religious people, though.............

[purple_fins]

anderson

yea, it sucks that there is no place with a populace void of a mean/abusive person/s. They can be anywhere-- religion or being religious is no indication of compassion or the person having compassion and a good heart..... some even hide behind that in order to abuse.

I so very much wish that wouldn't have been such for you.

but also-- there are good people around too and it seems you have found some of them

hope the good things in your life get better and better.

thinking of you

fins

[madisgram]

good ppl and not so nice ppl can be found everywhere. you can "worship" at home or ask the pastor to stop by to see you too. we care about you..

[anderson]

Thank you all,
last sunday we were sitting at home and going through the pros and cons of going back to the place that we had found shelter and comfort. The negative though was that those that had hurt us in the past also started to come to church. we felt safe when we were near someone that we trusted and if it was not for their privacy we would list them here. The main thing that I/we can tell you is that these angels held our hand when the alter's within took over to get the body away from those that they were scared of.
~
we had talked to someone here about those that we are afriad off and how we wished that they would just leave us alone because at times they make it hard on us to feel surcure with the angels. because they at times still can not tell when we just switch when alters want to speak for themseves to when we switch in fear and we have info black out until they feel like we are safe again.
~
We could gain so much freedom by having a service dog because we would have something there to ground us when we are afraid but mostly a dog never gives thought to how the general public thinks about you it judges you by your own marit.
~
we just wish the angels would out number the dark souls somewhere instead of them being out number like we feel at times.
~
thank you for your surport and letting us know that we are not alone in this issues.
but most of all that the church as a whole is good we are just finely in our apartment and now those within are healing and we are tired of dealing with those that know how to trigger a panic attack then using it againts us.

I have had bad experiences in church also. It's not the friendly panacea I expected it would be. It turned out to be competitive and sometimes unfriendly. Recently, I decided to leave religion (again). I do not know if I will return to any denomination as my ability to trust in others and in god has been wounded. For sure, though, I have decided that if I return to a church, I will not volunteer to become involved. No way. I will focus on my inner spirituality and seek comfort only there.

[wontgiveup]

Hi Anderson,
There a couple great things that I observed in your story 1. The desire to go to church and 2. That the Pastor is an upright person. I have been going to church for the past six years, it was a culture shock for me, I have always been a loner growing up and wanted little to do with social settings (years of childhood abuse and decades of depression got me there) What I have learned from my whole church experience is that....it is really a hospital, full of broken, damaged people. Some try to cover up their dirt more than others. but at the end of the day, I've learned to never loose the focus as to why I'm there. It is to build a relationship with God, To know that there is healing for all my afflictions through the blood of Christ. We all have to stand before God one day to be judged. As painful as it may seem to see those that have hurt you act as though nothing has happened and they may sometimes act holier than thou. Forgive them!!! Put all your focuss on God. Mankind does not possess a heaven or hell to put you in, so on that note stop giving you power to man. Seek your refuge in God and God alone. Don't allow man to ruin where you will reside eternally.

[(JD)]

I have an excellent book (TrinityDancer recommended it ) The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse that "recognizes (and helps someone) escape from spiritual manipulation and false spiritual authority within the church."

Abuse occurs anywhere it can get a foothold, even in church, even at PC.

I wish you healing, and much love.

anderson
I'm so sorry to hear about your church. It must be very unsettling to feel safe one minute and in harms way the next.
Ones religion or lack of religion, does not make them good or bad, I have found. I have seen those who claim not to believe in anything turn out to be the most compassionate people. Sometimes "religion" can be a smokescreen. People with motives that aren't good can hide behind their religion. That is why I do not belong to any organised religion and "worship", if you will, privately.
I hope you can find the safety and be able to worship without worrying about the people with hurtfull motives.

[Crew]

anderson

People here have said all wonderful things. Way to write that out btw!

I'm sorry that happened to you..............

Crew