[troubled1786]

When i was younger, i was that strong independent girl, i never needed anyone, i was hard headed, stubborn and the LAST girl that anyone ever expected to stay in an abusive relationship. I never had trouble meeting guys, they always seemed to like me. But my freshman year in highschool one guy caught my eye. He went to a different school but we had mutual friends that we knew eachother through.. we started dating and everything was great. We got along great, he took me out on dates all the time and he just seemed so sweet. We dated for a few months before we had sex but once we did, everything slowly started changing. He started to be more protective over me and looking back at it now, the way he did it was very smooth. He would wait until one of my friends did something slightly wrong then freak out and tell me i couldnt hang out with them anymore. Why i listened? Im not sure, he was very convincing and he was my first love, i guess i just didnt want to lose him. he continued this until one day i realized that i had no friends left. Instead of leaving him, i began to DEPEND on him..because he was afterall, all i had. He told me i couldnt talk to guys, so i didnt. We dated for 3 years and he was my world. When he started hitting me it wasnt too serious, never in the face..it was usually just pushing or throwing but as he started to get more comfortable it got worse. He would do really weird things, like make me stand with my knees bent and arms out for hours..he told me if i didnt do it he would shave off my eyebrows, or my head. After dating him for about a year and a half, he decided that i was HIS property and he could do what he wanted to me. By this time, i had no friends, guys wouldnt even look at me and the only time i talked was when i was in the privacy of mine or his house....but still he always found reasons to hit me. It got to the point where i would have to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer because i was covered in bruises. I would have bruised ribs, thighs and arms. Some nights, i wasnt even sure if i was going to make it home because he would park in parking lots and just hit me and scream at me. I thought it couldnt get any worse, but then it did...the last year we talked, he was so comfortable with hitting me, that he would just hit me in the face and the worst part is, he didnt feel sorry about it. I was miserable but i felt trapped. i loved him so much, i still do. He was like my poison, he told me that i would never find someone better than him and that no one would want me because i simply wasnt good enough...and as stupid as it sounds, i believed him. When someone tells you EVERYDAY for years that youre not good enough, you actually start to believe it. I've been broken up with him and single for about a year now but its still hard. I hate him for SOOO many reasons, i hate that i let him hit me, i hate that i let him control me, i hate that he couldnt even appreciate the fact that i stood by him, i hate that im an emotional wreck now because of him, but at the same time i miss him. I miss having someone there for me and sadly to say, i still believe that im never going to find anyone else. I know he was only saying it to keep me hooked on him, but it worked. i don't want this to sound like i want to get back with him because its the last thing i want. Never again do i want to be hit, or have a knife at my throat, or have my things broken, or my steering wheel jerked on the highway...i absolutely dont want that but im so scared that no one else is going to ever love me i dont want to believe all the things he put in my head but when a year passes and i still havent met anyone i just start to wonder and it sucks so bad. i cry myself to sleep all the time because i just wish i never met him, never dated him. i was so happy before i met him and now im just a horrible mess..

[sassyseattle]

I'm so sorry you had to endure what you did, and so glad you are out of it.
Do you think you have a handle yet on why you stayed for so long? Do you think you are ready for a healthy relationship, or are you just ready to not be alone? Maye there's an answer in there somewhere, when we don't want to be alone and then convince ourselves what we've got is the best we can do.
I went through a time of abusive relationships. Due to my sexual abuse, I believed I deserved everything I got- when I was hit or mistreated, I tried to figure out what I had done so I could not do it again. I never questioned that I had brought it upon myself. The progress I've made away from that type of relationship has been learning what I do and do not deserve, no matter what I may blame myself for at times.
Please be careful, think long and hard about where you are within yourself before you take a chance in another intimate relationship.
And by the way, its perfectly ok to hate and wanna hurt the person who hurt you.

[phoenix7]

******* YOU DESERVE BETTER **********

He was wrong - but he has had such an impact on your life - almost like brainwashing - that you may need help to get past this - yes i understand how abuse can sort of creep up on you - one small thing - maybe a name you are called .. then somthign else then you wake up and ask yourself WT?????? am i doing here???? it must be my fault - or why have i stayed? he must be right!!!

Well the ttruth is he saw someon who was vulnerable - who trusted and he abused that trust and you and he doesnt deserve you adn you bdeserve much much better.

you deserve to be treated wiht dignity and respect - to be loved for who you are not what they can manipulate you into doing - he was and probably stil is sick and needs help - but not from you ok.

I have experienced this and i have seen it with my sister - its almost like well ok he abuses me but if i dont have him who do i have??? and isnt he better than no-one - he must love me?

IMHO he loves the control - if yuo dont have him you can start to get back your self respect and dignity that yu ahve deserved formthe beginning - i wihs you hadnt met him too - but you did and he got his claws into you and stil does to a degree..

Are you seeing a therapist? someone who can help you through this?

i have friend s who have married great guys - so they are out there - but from what you were saying i and agian just my opinion - i would say you need some help before you start looking agian - you need to heal yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself -

PLease dont even think of going back to him - remember what he did to you and every time you do say I DIDNT DESERVE THAT _ HE WAS WRONG.

Im asorry if i got on my soap box a bit - its just that i know how easy it is to accept beign in that situation or similar and how hard it is to get out of it.

PLease take care of you ok

P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by troubled1786

but at the same time i miss him. I miss having someone there for me and sadly to say, i still believe that im never going to find anyone else.

but im so scared that no one else is going to ever love me

a year passes and i still havent met anyone i just start to wonder

I'm sure there are reasons that you aren't meeting anyone and none of them have anything to do with you not being good enough. Possibly the way that you feel about yourself shows? or you are afraid to have a close relationship?

[sugahorse1]

Thanks for posting this. I'm in a similar boat. A 5 year relationship, that is ok 90% of the time, but the other 10% are dreadful. I have attachment issues. I am not ready to leave him. He hits me at times too.

[troubled1786]

Thank you guys so much for your advice. I mean it is nothing i havent heard from friends and family and knowing in my own head but its nice to hear it from someone else. I've never seen a therapist about it...its really hard for me to talk about without getting angry or hysterical or both. I want to see a therapist so bad i'm jjust scared to take that next step and actually go and do it. and as for you sugahorse.... though i am still a terrible mess at many times about the whole situation...i did, by my choice, get myself out of it. and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done and im still dealing with a lot of baggage from it...but there isnt a day that goes by that i regret the decision i made. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to message me. I've seen it all, trust me and im sure i can relate. It isn't love. It doesnt matter how nice they are the rest of the time...its how they are at their worst that counts. You dont deserve to be hit, noone does

[Bill3]

.i did, by my choice, get myself out of it. and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done and im still dealing with a lot of baggage from it...but there isnt a day that goes by that i regret the decision i made.

Congratulations!

I'm really happy for you!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by troubled1786

I've never seen a therapist about it...its really hard for me to talk about without getting angry or hysterical or both. I want to see a therapist so bad i'm jjust scared to take that next step and actually go and do it.

I really hope that you decide to see a therapist. You don't have to live feeling this way. Please keep us posted.

[sugahorse1]

Congrats on your determination and strength!

[troubled1786]

im starting therapy this week! i told my mom and she is setting it all up! im nervous but hopefully it will help me..

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by troubled1786

im starting therapy this week! i told my mom and she is setting it all up! im nervous but hopefully it will help me..

oh it will!!!!when i saw my T i said, what behaviors do i have that are like a beacon to abusers? too trusting, etc. he helped me tremendously to know the red flags too as i call them. when i see those red flags i run, jk, from that creep. but seriously one thing is i learned to set boundaries with ppl. that has helped too. if someone oversteps my boundary they're outta here.

[Sannah]

Very good troubled! Please continue to keep us posted.

[Bill3]

I'm really glad to hear about the therapy!