tricky question

First let me start out by saying that my Dad raped me when I was younger. That's it no details. I finally told someone my senior year of highschool. For the last 7 years, I have had zero contact with him mainly of my own volition, but also partly because of the courts. He is not allowed to have any contact with me at all. I've always had this need/want to talk to him, and ask him why he did it. Part of me also wants retribution, and wants to have a face-to-face confrontation with him in which I can say everything that he has made me feel, and hopefully see in him the pain/confusion that he has caused in me. Anyways, the opportunity has presented itself that he can possibly have contact with me i.e. letters, phone, maybe a birthday or Christmas card etc. I am not entirely sure as to if I want to do this or not. I think I would be happy with just telling him everything I feel and then possibly never talking to him again. Tell me what you think. And if anyone has talked to their abuser especially if you are in a similar scenario I would really appreciate it.

I think it would be a great idea to talk to him. I think it would be almost healing in a way. Almost a way to forgive him and walk away from the past and move on. I never did talk to my abuser but in a way I wish I could because I too was raped and I would love to tell him how he has made my life a living hell. I don't see anything wrong with simply wanting this contact and then leaving it at that either. This sounds like a splendid idea to me. Best of luck

go for it, you will be the one in charge this time and that will give you the courage to tell him exactly how his actions made you feel and how they still affect you. but in my experience family members do not feel the remorse you are looking for so do not go with the expectation that he will show any emotions at all, the best you can expect is that he may listen but that may not even be so. be careful not to revert to the vulnerable little girl you were when in his company, if you do you could come out of this feeling even worse than you do now

I spoke on the phone with mine. -----hmm, I'd say its like for me, it resolved questions but, not the pain. I'd say if you do it, do it with as little "expectation" from him as possible. You can "expect" many things from yourself---I'm not sure exactly what those things are---but, maybe things like the ability to forgive him or not forgive him or the ability to be able to finally express your anger, being able to say what it made you feel like... etc. etc. I guess I'm trying to say this is something you probably will never be fully ready for but, a lot of times we need to do stuff were not entirely ready for (maybe you will be but, this decision, in essence, is going to be difficult, no matter how you go about it) but, if your trying to move forward in life it could be the closure you need...so, I'd do it with no intention of focusing on his needs and more attention on getting what you need out of it, and stating that clearly before conversating with him.....whatever you NEED to do, say, feel..YOU do. And if YOU need to not talk to him again, then that is okay! I'd say take this decision slowly and I'd hope you'd have other friends, family, or a therapist that can help you process all of your feelings after you do it.

I think it would be great to be able to him how he hurt you and how your life is different because of it.I too was raped and abused by my real father also. He is gone now and I wish I could have told him how it had changed my life and all the hurt it has caused me so I think it would be a great idea to be able to tell him and then leave it at that and live your free for once.

It may not be the contact that you want. Instead, it could be that you are looking for a particular outcome. What are you hoping that he will say or do? Keep in mind that you may not get it. Abusers are very self centered people. How is it going to change things for you if you do not get what you are seeking from him?

Will it provide some resolution for you if you confront him and decide to never see him again? This once again leads back to understanding what you hope the outcome will be from this exchange.

We would advise extreme caution in having any contact with him. We agree with iGottaBme that if there is a particular response you are expecting/hoping for from him, you have to be prepared to not get it. If not getting that response will be harmful to you, then you may be better off not being in contact with him. As horrible as it is to contemplate, especially for a family member who is supposed to care about you, his response may be to not care at all about how you feel. Or he may even be happy about how upset you are. These responses could be extremely hurtful, we wouldn't want you to be unprepared for them.
If you do decide to contact him, we hope you will be sure to do so in a safe environment, and that you make sure you have a way to end contact if you ever decide to. We hope whatever decision you make will help you feel peaceful. ~Emma

I agree with Gr3tta and iGottaBme Usually some one that has done these awful harmful acts of betrayal are not willing to admit to them or usually deny them. So yes use extreme caution. Maybe do this with people whom will be around to support you if the out come is not what you want? Just have a very safe supportive environment

However I did do this with my Grandfather. In fact I wrote a letter...I drove all the way down to around the corner from were he lived so he would know that I was IN HIS AREA....Yes I was really really angry and feeling that I was owed this apology and well mailed it to the house of which was shared with my uncle whom was also another well pedophile. HOWEVER not a word ever came back nadda....Nothing....But there was a bit of satisfaction...Because it was so graphic and detailed to let them all know that inside I KNEW what they had did and I was seeking treatment and I, I was getting better, so if nothing more comes out of it even if he dose not apologize, your victory is in YOU! He has to know that your healing...Your stronger...Your a survivor...

For your own safety I would say write a letter. My therapist once told me that if I go for a confrontation to decide what to say and know that the other person will most likely deny. This could be a real let down and/or cause a fight. Another idea is to write a letter and then call or see him to read it to him. That is if you want to see him in person. Just be careful, he could still cause you more damage.