[krazy_phoenix]

Just wondering when the 'living' part starts and the 'surviving' part isn't about surviving each and every moment, each and every day. My birthday coming up. I'll be 40 in a couple more birthdays. But will I make it to 40? Never thought I'd make it to 13, or 16 for that matter, let alone 20, 22, 25, 29, 30, 35, 37. All these years passing me by while I'm clinging to a life of pain and desolation, not even afforded memories of good times had. Memories kept from me behind bulletproof walls inside my head. For 22 years, have had appointments with social workers, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, with all manner of therapies and medications, etc to keep me alive. To what end? I have worked so hard to have a happy life. I have the man of my dreams as my best friend and husband, three perfect healthy brilliant children, friends and a permanent good home. And yet, I'm still only just surviving. The only thing I haven't overcome is life. So much guilt. I am grateful for my blessings, every day I am gratefully grateful with whole heartedness. Darkest darkness. Oppressive overwhelming darkness smothers all of it, all of my existence. Hard thinking about tomorrow, or the next day. Experience has shown me those days will be the same as today. More of the same. More pain and darkness to endure. How much is enough? I've prayed to get off this ride, but here I am still. My punishment. Alive in hell and rotting from the inside out. A survivor? No, that implies victory, a reaching of safety, of reaching the other side. No, I am not a survivor. I am Fish. A fish out of water, gasping for breath, flip-flapping about, in pain and tired, struggling to survive, on my side looking at the bowl full of water, not understanding how I'm not inside the bowl swimming happily like I should be. Why did he take me out of the bowl? Why didn't he finish me off instead of leaving me to suffer? Or is it the neighbours fault for stopping him? Another minute and this pain would not even exist.
Thank you for hearing me.
Fish.

[Sannah]

Hi kp, I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I'm also so happy at what you have accomplished already. When was the last time that you had a therapist?

[embracinglife]

yes I'm sorry for your pain. but look how far you have come! how did you find the man of your dreams if you have no happy memories? there have to be some good times in there! if not, start creating them. talk to a therapist

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((krazy_phoenix))))

I have read and re-read your post and have tried to answer many times but I am afraid maybe I will not make sense or say the wrong things. Your post really touched my heart and I understand how you feel on many aspects. Just want you to know that you are not alone and that you are cared about.

You are a survivor for everyday that you are alive, you are a survivor. Each day you live is a victory in that you are alive. I do validate how you feel. The feelings of surviving in the loss, pain, darkness, and guilt makes you a survivor. But I do get it.

Sometimes the darkness feels as though it is suffocating and draining the life out of you and you wonder if there is any light. Many times that darkness seems to grab you from nowhere and no matter how hard you try to move just beyond it, it once again engulfs you.

Somewhere in it all our will to live is stronger than the darkness, stronger than even we can see many times. We did what we had to do to survive and for that the darkness cannot touch. Those memories behind the bulletproof wall will come when you are ready for them.

kp, I do not know if what I have said makes any sense but I do care and I am listening. I am glad you are here and your existence has helped so many here, myself included. Tears fall for you and I wish I had something great to say that could make it all stop, and the darkness lift.

Embrace the good hon, know you are cared about and loved here. I am glad you have your husband, children, friends, and home. You deserve that and so much more. Keep reaching out, posting, and know that we are listening and are here for you.

Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Leed]

Dearest KrazyPhoenix ~ I've read your post three times, and you indeed touched my heart. You spoke very CLOSE to my heart, as I experienced very similar circumstances.

I too stayed in the "dark" for quite some time ~ but I decided that "he" wasn't going to have that POWER over me anymore!! By staying in the dark, I was letting "him" win!!! I didn't WANT him to win anymore. I was tired of his continual power over me. I had to take my power BACK.

So that's what I did. I made a decision to not stay in the dark anymore. And by DECIDING that I wasn't going to stay in the dark, it seemed that my mood came with me! I found it a bit strange that I began to feel better ~ I got outside more, even if it was just to go to the mailbox. Baby-steps are progress too -- you don't have to take giant steps. In talking with my therapist, he said that just by making the DECISION to stay out of the dark was good.

I kept making progress but I denied thoughts of "him." Whenever that came into mind, I immediately began doing something to take my mind off of it. It became habit - until finally one day I noticed I hadn't thought about it at all!

All I'm saying is I got out of that black abyss. That's not to say that I don't trip once in awhile - but I don't stay there for more than a few minutes anymore. I REFUSE to. I took my POWER away from him. He can't hurt me anymore. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies.

Dear ((((((((((dps))))))))))), thank you for your friendship, it is very dear to me. I always make sure I read your posts, you too have helped me many times. From your posts I know that you too understand how it is to walk with a darkness that is thick and blinding.

Sometimes the darkness feels as though it is suffocating and draining the life out of you and you wonder if there is any light. Many times that darkness seems to grab you from nowhere and no matter how hard you try to move just beyond it, it once again engulfs you.

I thankfully am not a prisoner to this darkness as Fish is (who was unknown to us till recently), but I can feel its presence. I am back and a bit stronger again. Still trying to work out latest trigger. Searching the abyss for a needle in a hay stack. I'm so sorry you live in pain too.

And ((((((((Leed))))))))), yes,

even if it was just to go to the mailbox. Baby-steps are progress too

sometimes it really is about going back to basics, relearning how to pick up the ball after dropping it 'again'! Naive me thought I had taken my power back a long time ago, but clearly not all of me processed this. I'm sorry you too have had great pain in your life.

And lastly to ((((((((Sannah)))))))))) & (((((((embracinglife)))))))))), yes, still in therapy with two T's working weekly for a few years now. Thank you for riding out my latest upheaval with me. I appreciate your support.

Thank you again,
kp (Jenni)

[Gr3tta]

kp, I'm so glad you posted this. You feel like a fish out of water, I feel like I'm drowning. Like the water closed over my head long ago, and I've been struggling to break surface ever since, like I haven't taken a deep breath yet.
Like you, I do try my best to acknowledge and appreciate the things that I do have in my life, all the little joys and small happy moments. Sometimes my pain is compounded by guilt over not being happy, like I'm ungrateful for the things that I do have. But they don't change how heavy my limbs feel from treading water so long, don't change the screaming in my chest as I'm struggling to breath.
So when does that end and real living begin? I don't know. But for me, surviving means there's hope. If I had died, my life would've been suffering and pain and that's it. Surviving means there will always be hope that real living can begin. When I'm angry (which, in truth, I often am) that sounds extremely trite, but as far as I can figure out, it's the reason I fought. It's the only reason I can think of that I still fight.
Some part of me that's important must believe in it.
~Emma

[Sannah]

So glad that you are in therapy......