Therapy feels like I'm ripping my heart out

I'm sorry that today was rough. Would you want to talk more about your concerns regarding a summer job and where that stands now?

Keep hanging on...you're doing such a good job of weathering all this. I'm sending you good luck vibes to help you find a job!

I'm mostly just concerned that I will not find a job because the market is so tough. I just applied for a job as a marching band technical instructor, though, so hopefully that pans out. The depression is more about the usual things. The CSA, how I feel about that, my porn addiction, etc. Things just get me down more some days than others.

I hope you find a job that works for you soon! I know how stressful that can be! Were here whenever you need us!

I'm sorry to hear about the continuing depression. It sounds like some days it is hard for you to face the day.

I encourage you to try a listening line in your area. It can really help to talk to a trained, nonjudgmental listener. You could Google "listening hotline" and your city or state. There is also this web page:

http://www.contact-usa.org/crisiscenters.html

With regard to this link, keep in mind there is no requirement that a listening line be in your exact town, or even state. On the listening line where I volunteer, we do get calls from all over our state, and also from out of state.

I have also been thinking about your church. You said that your church emphasizes mercy and forgiveness. However, I suppose that you feel unworthy of that, and/or you feel too ashamed to speak to someone face-to-face, or even by phone, at church. Intellectually, I trust you know that God forgives all who are repentant, but emotionally it seems too hard to believe and act on. Perhaps the church has associated social services agencies (e.g. Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services) with resources and/or people that could help you. Maybe there is listening help available at a nearby church or monastery where you would not be known.

I will keep you in mind and in prayer, that you may find help during the time that you are outside of formal therapy.

Bill3, you are exactly right about it being hard to face the day sometimes. Overall I feel much calmer and more...regulated, for lack of a better word. I'm much more stable. I'm just feeling very overwhelmed at the prospect of sharing my pornography addiction with a therapist, especially one I don't know. It's also nerve racking for it to be my responsibility to contact the Counseling Center.

In other news, I got a job! I got the one as a marching band tech. Now I just have to maybe look for another part time job to fill out the summer with.

As far as the listening line, I think it might help. I'd have to find some privacy in order to do that.

You are also so right about not feeling worthy in relation to my church. I am so afraid. I hate living with all of this fear. I really believe that I am a bad person and that I am disgusting and evil for watching porn. It kills me to know that I am taking advantage of someone else's pain (the porn actor(ess)s') in order to gain some sick gratification for my feelings. My church does have psychological services available, but I would have to notify the equivalent of my pastor (he's not actually called that) in order to go and would have to drive about an hour and a half one way to get the the nearest branch of the service. I am also not super in favor of talking to someone about my problems who has a background in my faith. I think I would feel judged. I also believe that God forgives all who are repentant, but I find it hard to believe that I can be forgiven and I also can't stop watching porn at this point. In my faith at least, we believe that one must forsake the sinful behavior and cease it before you can ask for true forgiveness.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I believe that there are blessings for those who show compassion to others.

Congratulations on the job! Sorry you are struggling with this...I really wish peace for you!

This is good news.

It feels overwhelming to have to reveal your pron addiction face-to-face to another person, even one that could be helpful. You understand that it began through CSA, and so it's obsessive nature, its uncontrollability, isn't your fault--but you will feel deeply ashamed and unworthy anyway.

You have to contact the Counseling Center when your job situation is settled? Could you just say that you are ready to begin again, as previously arranged?

It is hard to speak to a new therapist. You wonder: How do you know that the therapist will understand and accept without judging? It takes time to get comfortable, to trust, any new listener or therapist, and you wouldn't likely reveal everything in the first session.

Excellent! Congratulations!

Good luck!

Ah, you maybe have a roommate or you are living at home, so privacy is a concern. Do you have any ideas?

I understand from our executive director that some hotlines can "listen" via chat. I've emailed him to see how one finds such a service. I'll let you know what I find out.

You feel that you are bad and disgusting. You live in fear that someone at church will find out and exclude you after publicly humiliating you? Or what is the fear?

That is a long ways away. What if you did some online research, e.g.

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php

There is a sexual addictions forum here too, under "Addictions".

What about other faith traditions, or even a humanist "pastor"? I do know that spiritual counseling occurs at some monasteries (assuming for the moment that you are not Catholic--but even if you are, monasteries function largely independent from local churches).

I believe that there can be understanding and forgiveness from God when a disorder makes it temporarily virtually impossible to do fully what the law requires. Repentance is a change of heart: it may take some time for the brain to completely adjust such that actions can follow that change fully and completely.

Thank you for your kind words.

__________________

Congrats on the job AL!

Hello again,

I had my first session with my new counselor today. He is actually the supervisor of my previous counselor and so he knows quite a bit about the situation already. He did say that I would need to rediscuss everything with him even though he knows most of it from his work with my former counselor. That makes a lot of sense to me, though.

About the listening line, I have 2 roommates. One idea includes going somewhere in my car like a park or something where I could go under the pretense of just sitting and relaxing and call the line while there in the privacy of my car. I so appreciate your help, Bill3, with finding new information that may help me!

I was able to talk about the CSA today and also reveal that my brother was one of my sister's abusers. I feel like this is a good step. The T asked me why I thought it was important to tell him that, which made me feel a little insecure. I'm sure he was just asking because he wanted to know if it bothers me and how it makes me feel that my brother was an abuser, though.

The fear in relation to my religion is a complex thing. I am basically terrified of sharing my past and current problems with yet another person. I am especially afraid of sharing them with a church leader because revealing my porn addiction will likely lead to some consequences (fair, but unfavorable). These include abstaining from taking the sacrament (communion) for a while until I have made significant progress with my addiction and being disallowed from some church activities. I fear not being able to take the sacrament because it will be observable to everyone in the congregation. Also, I feel that it is not very common for women to be addicted to porn, so I'm afraid that my revelation will come as a shock to my church leader, which would make me feel awful.

The psychological service center is very far away. My parents would probably find out that I was going. They don't know almost anything about the things that I'm working through right now. I really don't think that the center is a viable option at all. I'm actually most comfortable working with someone non-faith based. I think that as I feel more worthy and worthwhile through therapy, I will be able to resume practices like prayer, scripture study, etc. that would lead me to be able to repent. Thank you for the link!

I greatly hope that (forgive the cheese, but this is the only way I know to say it) God is merciful enough to see the intentions of my heart. I also hope that He knows what I'm feeling and knows how hard I've tried to overcome my vices and my past. I so badly want to be a whole person who feels like she can one day be greeted with, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I hope that one day I will be whole enough to help others more. I hope that I can forsake these feelings and actions by working through them.

You're welcome for the kind words, as always. Thank you for YOUR kind words, Bill3, Sannah, CSC, and Doodle. You should know that you're helping me to survive each day.

AL, I would think that the counseling service can handle your issues and that you don't need to get your church involved.

I'm wondering if the T asked you why you included the info about your brother because he might have been noticing that you were trying to protect your sister? (Explain why she did what she did to you?)

I'm so glad that you are benefiting from the support here.

Sorry to hear this. I hope you can work something out with the college so you can keep coming to see your counselor. I wish you the best of luck

I'm sorry, autumnleaves. I was making suggestions about the church because I was under the impression that you could not obtain counseling for a while. Since you are actually able to obtain counseling, I agree with Sannah that there isn't a need to involve your church at this time. I also think that all of the points you made about your reluctance to involve your church are valid. Imo, you think clearly and write well.

With regard to what you said about prayer and scripture study: are you now absenting yourself from these, due to your feelings of unworthiness and shame?

That'd be correct, Bill3. Thank you all for your continued support.

I'm so glad you got that job! And equally as glad that you are able to get counseling again?
Do you feel as connected with the counselor as the last one? Hopefully you are able to work through these issues! I'm glad things are more "stable" right now though. The porn addiction is NOT your fault, none of this is your fault. It stems from everything that has happened to you. I really hope you are able to see yourself as the wonderful person you are

Your understanding of repentance is an actual end to sinful practices. Your thinking is that you have not truly repented if you continue to partake in the practices. And, if I am understanding you correctly, you don't feel that you can approach God in prayer or in His Scriptures when you are (as you see it) unrepentant. If you are willing, please correct or modify as needed.

I would like to know your thoughts about a slightly different understanding of repentance. Repentance, on this view, is first and foremost about the heart, not the practices. It is a spiritual turning away from wrongdoing. On this understanding, you have already repented. You are sorry for the practices and are trying to turn away from them. The addictive aspect of these practices, though, means that an actual end to them requires time and help. What is your thinking about this other perspective on repentance?

Well, it's less that I feel that I don't need to approach God in prayer or scripture and more that it's just very hard for me. I feel unworthy to do so. It makes me uncomfortable to speak to God because I feel vile. However, I do believe that to be truly repentant one must cease the undesirable or sinful behavior.

I agree that my view of repentance should probably be a little more heart-based. I really hope that therapy can help me adequately resolve some of the issues with my porn addiction so that I can eventually be able to stop viewing porn and be free from it all.

Dear autumnleaves,

You are not alone:

http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcros...porn-addiction

http://www.google.com/search?q=femal...ient=firefox-a

Thank you, Bill3. These sites are awesome. I especially appreciate the pink cross one. I am having a really down day, however. I woke up this morning with the thought, "How can I ever forgive myself?" How can I forgive myself for touching her when she asked me to? How can I forgive myself for watching porn? How can I forgive myself? I'm very emotionally and mentally exhausted right now. I wish there was a way to escape.

I'm sorry to hear that today has been so rough.

I'm sensing a sort of connection between your last two posts. You feel unworthy, vile in God's presence, so you tend not to speak to Him or listen to Him. In isolation from God you do not receive His forgiveness, and you are left to find forgiveness in yourself. Yet, to forgive yourself seems impossible.

I wonder if a three-part kind of therapy might be helpful to you? 1. Traditional therapy, such as with your new counselor. 2. A specific, detailed plan to attack porn addiction. 3. A willingness to trust God's ability to forgive sufficiently to pray and read Scripture regularly--no matter how you feel.

Part 2. of this suggestion would be developed with your counselor in conjunction with what you learn from professional, reputable sources online (or elsewhere) about possibilities for therapy for females with a porn addiction.

Regarding part 3: remember that basic principle connected with CSA (and cognitive distortions): the way you feel does not prove how you are. You may feel worthless, but that feeling does not mean that you are worthless. You may feel that forgiveness is impossible, but that feeling does not mean that forgiveness is impossible. You may feel vile, but that feeling does not mean that you are vile in God's loving eyes.

You are coping the best way that you know how, you were just a little girl. I struggle with forgiving myself too. I'm frequently told it's because I'm using an adult brain to judge a child's actions. None of this was your fault. Can you try to take some time for yourself to relax and just breathe? I know it's easier said than done. I have felt the wish to escape also - if I ever find out the way to do it, I will share it with you. Unfortunately, I think the only way out is through.

Thank you both. I will try to do part 3, Bill3. Thank you for your kind words CSC. I'm just trying to get through today. I'm going back to my home town on Friday and my sister is visiting for 2 weeks and I'm staying for 3 days of her visit so I can see her. I'm very nervous of whether it will be triggering since this is the first time I will see her since I revealed the CSA in therapy.

I think that's really important to think about. I have to say in my experience, it has been triggering. I have not seen my brother(CSA), but I saw my mom once and I have been talking ALOT about how it was growing up with her(depression, emotional abuse) and honestly I couldn't stand being around her. Somehow speaking the truth has made it harder.
Hopefully it is easier for you!
And CSC, I keep getting told that as well. That is my "homework" to try and see things as the child, and stop judging as an adult. I find it nearly impossible, though

I'm really worried now that her presence will be triggering. It would kill me if I couldn't be the same around her because she's such a sweet person now. I don't know what to do, but I feel absolutely terrible right now. I don't know if I can handle it anymore.

Have you ever confronted her? Is the abuse still "hidden" or unspoken?