[hazeleyes]

I just got off the phone a few mins ago with my mom who is an active alcoholic/drugaddict. When I was around 12 I had to move to my dad and my mom has been homeless for many years and is doing terrible physically and mentally. Altho, sometimes we do see each other when she's "ok" and doesn't seem to have been drinking (altho I believe she's on some pills). Anyway, I hadn't talked to her for almost a year now, and tonight we talked about the past. How my dad physically and mentally abused me (nothing sexual that I know of), and how he abused her. Sometimes he'd drive her out of the house or forbid her to see me, threatened to take kids away from her etc... One time he had spanked me so I was blue and she wanted to take me to the hospital and she threatened to report him, and he was afraid and didn't do anything if she was around. Altho he still beat her, threatened her. When we finally moved away from him, her drinking got worse and as I wrote I had to move to Him again and the abuse continued altho at that age I would sometimes try to fight him back. ... what I want to write about is, that today, I don't know what to do about my parents anymore. I love my mom very much, but talking to her and seeing her brings up so much pain She is truly a wonderful person behind the alcohol. I could see her once or twice a year if she's "sober" but it brings back so much hurt, and I miss not having her as my mom because she has a beautiful heart and mind. I don't know if I should end our relationship???? Also with dad, he has left all his kids and new wife (altho they've been married 15 yrs almost) and is cheating on her, lying to everyone and has always denied everything bad he has done. I don't know if to end that relationship also. I'm hurting badly and I am dealing with a depression and trying to put my life back together. Seeing a therapist and trying to do all the right things... I just don't know if I can deal with the pain that comes when I see my parents, and still I don't want to live totally without them either because deep down I love them and pray for things to become better in the future. Who knows how much time we have left...? My is breaking!!!!!!!!

maybe you don't have to make a permenant decision to end the relationship. Perhaps you can give yourself some space away for a while to allow yourself to heal. I'm so sorry that things are so painful.

[hillbunnyb]

Dear hazeleyes, Hello. Parents: we couldn't live without them, yet, we can't live with them. It's a cunundrum. It's ok to take a time out to take care of yourself. I can only tolerate my family in little bits. I try to forgive myself for that fragility and accept today's limitations. Then I turn my attention to do something I can do calmly, like pet a bunny, call a friend, come to this site. We can only do what we can do when we can do it. My "best" varies greatly, but, I always try to do my best anyway. I strike a balance between the trying and the forgiving to move forward with my life. I wish you well.

[CJR520]

Hi, hope you are working through things! Just remember that alcoholics are sick, they are addicted. That was my grandmother, my Mom's Mom. Inside her there was this intelligent, fun, loving person. My dear, dear husband who also adopted my children, brought this out to me and my Mom, and helped my Mom so much. When my own Dad would not go get Grandma from the resthome for holiday dinners, my husband would drive out and get her for my Mom. He said, what was in the past was in the past!! She is old now, and needs someone. Grandma would join in and play bingo, sing all the old songs from way back, went to all the church services she could, etc. But, if we would have taken her to town and turned her loose, she would have headed right for the nearest bar. It is such a struggle, but I hope you can find the good things to love about your Mom, since it seems that is what will heal your heart. Anyway, that is the feeling I get from your writing. Go ahead and love her for all the good things! You are allowed!!! Happy holidays!!! Carol

[hazeleyes]

((esther)) ((bunny)) ((CJR))) thank you for your replies. Today my mom called me to talk again. It is so strange to not talk to her for months or even a year, and then she acts like everything is fine. I know... she has a disease, she is sick. Maybe I am sick myself. And that's part of why I question keeping my parents in my life. Altho it's hard to cut off them totally, altho if I don't I have to deal with the feelings and the hurt over and over. My therapist asked me why I'm so afraid of the feelings. They can't hurt me unless I let them. I have let the feelings taking over a lot of times, acting out on them... even questioning my own drinking and other addictive behaviour. I know deep down many of us are the same, but we choose different paths in life. I am trying to find mine and now I'm very eager to learn what will work for me. So thank you for sharing, I appreciate it!!
/hazeleyes trying to live life...