Being in my body

My t is very body oriented which I know is a good thing and up until now I've been okay with that even though I don't really feel like I have much of a vocabulary for body sensations. In my last session I shared one of my abuse memories with t for the first time. Before that we had been going over some more ideas for grounding and trying to be more present in my body. Since the session I've been gradually feeling more and more horrible and triggered because I don't want to be in my body. I don't feel like it belongs to me and even if it did I don't want it. It disgusts me. Now I feel hyper-aware of my body and I just want to get the hell out of it and I don't know how to do that without hurting myself in some way. I don't know why I can't just dissociate the way I usually do. I don't want to be in this body

I understand...it's a very tough place to be, but unfortunately that's one of the steps to healing. Sorry you are going through this ....you are not disgusting and you are safe now!

I can so relate to this. Last week my T was also doing some trying to be in body stuff and that triggered things for me - I so much prefer living in my head, feels much safer up there. Can also relate to the SI stuff - can you just take your awareness to somewhere that feels safe - real or imaginary? I have a cave (imaginary) at the top of a cliff with just my cat for company, an open fire and soft music.

Thank you both for replying. I feel a little better just from writing it out and getting a response. I've been journalling about it which usually helps when I'm struggling with something but with this it doesn't seem to be helping at all. I do have a safe place I can use - that's a good idea. Maybe I can make it a place where I go but my body doesn't. I'm sorry you can both relate. At the moment I don't see how I'm ever going to get past this feeling. I hope I can be brave enough to bring it up with my t on thursday.

Definitely something to discuss with T. Believe it or not, it is progress for you.

I might have to take your word for it about it being progress. Really wishing I had called t today. I thought about it earlier but kept trying to hold off and now I feel awful and it's getting late here and I don't want to call her in the evening. Not sure I can hold out until tomorrow without doing something to break this horrible feeling though. I want to be able to cope with this stuff on my own

I'm sure she would take your call in the evening?

Yeah she probably would. I made a rule for myself that I wouldn't call her after 5pm so I'm trying to stick to that. Plus I'm also just scared to call her. I've only called twice and that was to cancel sessions. I've never called in a semi-crisis. I don't know what I would say, what she would say, if she could really help, how she would feel if I called and then went ahead and hurt myself anyway. I guess I better discuss this with her as well when I see her. Only a couple more hours to get through and I can go to bed.

I didn't call t and I got through the night in one piece. See t in less than 46 hours now - seems manageable if I just take it one hour at a time.