Can't Figure Out My Childhood

My t has said before that she thinks my parents have "deficits," and that my mom probably could not give me what i needed. But my mom seems like such a superwoman in SOOOOO many ways (long story), that it has always been extremely difficult for me to believe that there is anything she is not good at, including mothering.

even though she would rather talk about her job than the little people she brought to life.... each one a unique little world in herself.... oh!

(((((((((((( peaches )))))))))))

Very good Peaches! My mom is narcissistic and she isn't attached to anyone! I remember her mother and she never said one word to me (she died when I was 12). I have read that narcissists are deeply wounded people because of a failed attachment to their caregivers. They, therefore, go through life unattached to people and they have fantasy lives where they make life perfect in their mind. This is how they cope and survive.

Are you struggling with whose fault it is because you don't want to be angry with your parents? We all go through anger phases when we inventory what we didn't get. Would you be afraid of jeopardizing what little of a relationship that you have with your parents by feeling angry?

Hi Farmergirl,

Wow! I feel bad for your brother. . .how can anybody be expected to just "take" physical abuse and not be affected?! That's awful! There's no way that if i had been physically abused, i could have just let it roll off my back! I suppose since he's a guy, he's expected to just be macho and tough and not be affected. . .what rubbish!

What you said here strikes a chord with me:

The challenge is to figure out how to let yourself off the hook. You did nothing wrong. You survived the only way you knew how and were left with the scars to show the pain you went through.

For some reason, I just feel so guilty for having issues with my parents. I don't know why I have so much trouble just accepting how i feel as being OK. I'm afraid that if i'm angry with them about things, then i'm not being appreciative or a good daughter. The guilt i feel is what keeps making me discount my experiences. Somehow, i have to get over this.

Hi Purplefins,

I'm sorry to know that your husband had some similar experiences as a child! As little kids, i guess we take our parents words as truth. If they say they are coming home in an hour, we look for them after an hour. If they aren't there, we decide that something awful must have happened to them!

Yes, it would help me ALOT if i knew for sure that my parents just didn't know what i needed, or how to help me. It would hurt much less than if they just didn't love me enough to want to, or try, to give me what i needed. My has said that my parents probably did not intentionally hurt me, but they didn't really know how to raise kids and didn't know how to deal with a sensitive child. That feels better to me than to think it was all my fault (although it was my fault for being so sensitive. . .a less sensitive kid would have been able to let things roll off their back).

It could be that in order to move on, i need to switch my focus to the here-and-now. I can't change my past, and i can't make my parents feel/act differently toward me than they already do. I really, really need to work on ACCEPTANCE of what happened, so i can move on.

How about your parents had their own issues that blinded them to what you needed?

This is how I see my mother. She has major personality problems and she didn't have the ability to "see" me.

Yes, like Sannah-- I've accepted that my parents had their own issues going on within themselves---- the combo of a disconnected father with a Borderline/Narcissist mother- both parenting a quiet/obedient/withdrawn child in a HUGE family where only yelling is heard and breaking rules/the law is expected..... not a good combo

and your situation-- a father that teased, drank and wasn't your protector, a mother that didn't know how to bond with a little one that so needed that--- and -- the little one that is sensitive- maybe not able to figure things out all on her own, needing guidance/nurturing to feel safe.

It's an unfortunate combo.....
like being given just ketchup and lemons and told to make a good pie or dry cereal and pepsi and told to fix a healthy breakfast......

it sucks we can't "pick" the family that best matches our inner-self.

best to you

fins

Peaches......it was interesting reading what you wrote......it was almost the opposite of what I felt about my mother growing up. My mother was the housewife....the mother......her whole life was about being a wife & a mother & I wanted her to be MORE. My dad was a machinist....neither of them had education beyond high school, & when my dad was with others who were educated, his arguing his point of view that had no knowledge to back it up was something that I was very embarrassed about. I never wanted my parents to hold my hand, & definitely show any affection especially out in public....didn't want anyone to know that I was a part of them. My mother didn't drive & couldn't go anywhere if my dad wasn't there to take her, or if she could get the neighbor's to take her with them.

Interesting how you wanted your parents affection when you didn't have it & with me...my parents wanted nothing more than to give me affection & I pushed them away because I wanted NOTHING to do with them.

Because of the way I felt about my mother & wanting her to get a job & to be something....not just a housewife that couldn't do anything except cook & clean house.....I choose to be the professional & go to college, get my degree & get a career....it was the only thing I wanted in life......I wasn't interested in getting married or having a family because of what I experienced growing up. I never related to babies & had absolutely NO interest in babies or children....no desire to babysit when I was growing up either. My fun playing was with the neighborhood boys & baseball & had no interest playing dolls or house with any of the neighborhood girls. I think that some of our interests must be genetically defined rather than by our environment even though it does play a part in that I really didn't want to be like my mother.....so obviously, I had no interest in the playing house.

I ended up getting married & ended up having one child who wasn't planned......yep, my career was my focus....I worked hard to get my degree & there was NOTHING that was going to get in my way. I shared parent responsibilities with my husband who was also in the same career as I was. I always supported my daughters activities & we always included her in on all our backpacking trips & our skiing vacations. Everything that was other than work was always family. But both my husband & I had business trips that took us away at times. It was just part of the responsibility of having a career. Any time my daughter had a problem or needed something, we were always there & were able to take time away from work unless there was something critical going on with the project we were on. Remember going to school & fighting for my daughters rights several times & was always able to use the logic to make them understand the needs that my daughter had. It wasn't easy being parent & professional engineer but luckily, the job was flexible enough that I was able to take off the time I needed to take care of family issues after giving work 70 hours a week when they needed it also. I just knew that I wasn't the caring mother that most mothers were that wanted to be a mother.....I cared & loved, but I never felt what a real close relationship was with anyone until 4 years ago when I finally left my husband (I had lost my career in 1994 & was completely LOST).

I think the real thing is with life is that it is what it is & each person sees it differently because each person relates to the other people in a completely different way. My daughter spent most of her growing up years with my parents....who cared for her after school rather than putting her into a day care situation......her relationship with my parents was completely DIFFERENT than my relationship was with them.....she saw my parents in a completely different way than I saw them....it wasn't right or wrong....it just was her experience....which was different than mine. Can't blame my parents for how I saw them....that was just the way I perceived life & what I wanted out of it wasn't what my parents could give to me....but for some other child, my parents might have been absolutely PERFECT. Interesting how life seems to give us what we don't want. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't really for a reason.....to give us the opportunity to think differently by wishing for something different than what we had....opening up the mind by wishing for something different than what we have....by not being satisfied makes us think differently & want to be different ourselves.....so we determine what we want to do different.....not right or wrong....just different....so that we won't be the same thing that we didn't want in our own parents.

I think the most important thing is that there is "NO FAULT" really involved in some parenting.....or maybe there is NOTHING BUT FAULT....because there is no parent that does parenting perfect or even right when it comes right down to it.....the things that I didn't like in my parents & wanted to change are exactly the things that my own daughter didn't like or want in me as a parent & wouldn't want to be like for her own children.

Life is just plain complicated & we have to do the best with what we have, make the changes that we feel we don't want to be like & try to become what it is that we didn't like in our own parents....to try correct the things we thought were wrong...only to make our own mistakes that end up making our own children unhappy with us in the long run.

Ah, isn't life interesting......

HOpe you can work through all these issues that you are dealing with. I agree, there are some things that were serious situations in your life....& it's horrible when others don't see things the same way you see them....either in denial....or just plain didn't experience them the same way you did......there are just some things we will never know.

My father died over 20 years ago & my mother died 6 years ago....there is no one left to ask questions of....I was an only child & there was on one else that observed any of my childhood....it was what it was & my life is what it is based on what I preceived from my childhood....right or wrong......nothing to really blame my parents for....they were who they were & did what they did based on how they grew up & what they wanted to end up being like as parents....just as I did based on the way I felt about my childhood. Accepting it for what it was & realizing that any fault I thought existed in their parenting is probably the same thing that caused the different faults in my parenting.

Hi Pachyderm,

Thanks for validating that some of the reasons for my pain make sense. And, yes, my mom does not like to think about sad or bad things. She told me once that negativet things upset her, and she decided a long time ago that if something bad is happening, and she can't do anything about it, she refuses to think about it at all. The thing about my childhood, though, is that she COULD have done something about my emotional pain. But maybe between being so involved in her own life, and hating negative things so much, she just didn't notice or let herself think about my problems.

Hi BlessedRhiannon,

It felt good to me that you understood my feelings. Yeah, i think sometimes i just need to be "heard" in order to know that my feelings were/are real and OK to have. Because sometimes, in having so many experiences where nobody seemed to notice or care how i was feeling, i kind of lost touch with them myself and they didn't seem real or valid even to me. . .which can be really confusing!

I'd like to be able to let go of trying to fully understand or fix it. Because i don't think i EVER could. There's SO much that i don't know about why my parents did, or didn't do, certain things. They are so private and don't tell me. Well, i guess that shows in that they didn't even tell me when they divorced, until i stumbled onto the info!

What eats away at me, though, is that i feel certain that there have been many many misunderstandings and misinterpretations on both sides over the years. If ONLY i could sit down with my parents and really TALK HONESTLY about things (the way t and i do when we have a rupture), i think much could be resolved and understood. But it will likely never happen. Too much denial.

I hope i will soon be ready and able to put my past in the past, and move on to evaluating my present life. . .and where i want to go from here.

Sannah,

My t once used the word "narcissist" to describe my mom. But I wasn't sure if it was true because i looked it up online and the descriptions I read seemed to indicate that a narcissistic person would act cruely, negatively, or abusively toward others. My mom never shows anger. She is a good natured person, usually always happy, and doesn't argue, accuse, or punish. So I am thinking that the more fitting word for my mom might be self-absorbed or self-centered. . .but not narcissistic??

Sannah,

I'm not sure what's wrong with my dad. But my guess is that he has always been depressed at some level. He actually has very sensitive feelings but he despises that about himself and compensates by acting macho, avoidant, and dismissive. Hence, it is rare to see that side of him. He also seems unable to show affection, even to my mom. In fact, neither one of them are affectionate at all, at least not in public. My husband says they act like roommates.

My dad had a hard childhood. His father died when he was 4, and he was traumatized by the events surrounding that and the funeral. His mom was left with 5 young children. She married again later, but to a very alcoholic, dysfunctional man. His mom was blunt and rough around the edges, and had a hard scrabble life. From what i knew of her, she did not seem too empathetic or intuitive, and probably had no idea how to raise a sensitive boy. His older sisters used to beat up on him also (heard this through my sister). His family was very poor, which made him very ashamed. Since he married my mom, he has a much better life and standard of living, and he is ashamed of his dysfunctional family of origin.

I don't think he is attached to anybody in his family of origin. He keeps in contact with some of his siblings once or twice a year. But other siblings he has gone many years without seeing, or perhaps even contacting.

Once, years ago, when he was drinking, he told me that his mom was not a good mom and he had a bad childhood. I asked him if he was physically or emotionally abused, and he said emotionally. When i was in my mid-teens, he told me one day that he was seeing a psychologist. However, as i understand it, he went a few times, and it made him cry, so he quit. He absolutely hates crying for any reason, and thinks it makes him weak. I know he harbors alot of pain and resentment about his childhood but doesn't talk about it (except very rare occasions when drinking).

His mother passed away 2 years ago. On his next-to-last visit before her death (she had cancer), my dad sat by the door, looking uncomfortable, and rarely spoke. My mom spent almost the whole time showing my grandmother pictures of her new house, gardens, and quilts she'd made. I remember feeling ashamed because my grandma and aunt were living in a cheap little house and my grandma was dying. I felt like we should be talking about her, her feelings, and her life.

As a child, most of my problems were with my dad. But I guess that it has been easier for me to explain his behavior as being a result of his bad childhood. Therefore, i guess i've given him more leeway and can understand why he did some of the things he did toward me as a kid.

But i could never understand why my mom wasn't a more nurturing, affectionate parent. It seems she can do anything, she has so many talents, belongs to so many groups, gives to charities, even in her job she was in human resources and helped settle disputes between employees and employers. So she has to know about interpersonal communication and problemsolving. It is hard for me to understand why she wasn't a better parent, why she ignored my problems and pain, and why she put her own interests first instead of helping my sister and I grow and develop the way we needed to. It's probably the hardest thing for me to accept. How can she be knitting sweaters for orphans at the same time that she completely ignored my years of severe clinical depression?

Since they come out for visits 3-4 times per year, why didn't my parents come out for my sisters knee replacement surgery, so they could help during her recovery? Instead, they waited until 2 months later, when she was more recovered. . .probably so she could take my mom shopping and my dad to the casinos. What i don't understand is that he chooses to help people through charity work, but when she has the opportunity to help her daughers when they are ill or in pain, she doesn't.

I don't get it. . . She does enjoy the shopping tho. . .she likes to have fun. . .

and, as i said, she's just a really good natured, happy person . . .does not seem to have a mean bone in her body. so it is very confusing. . .

I need to accept that i will probably never have the answers i am looking for. . . in understanding certain things about my parents. It seems that all i can do is try to go from today forward and take the relationship with them 1 day at a time. ..

It's probably easier for her to be kind at a distance.

Do you think she helps strangers but not her daughters because it is too emotionally hard to see her children hurting?? So she ignores it?? But with people she doesn't really know, she can help them from a distance without feeling emotionally upset?

My instinct is to say that the thought of helping her daughters is too emotionally scary, rather than it being "hard" to see them suffering. The difference is to concentrate more on how she reacts, rather than how her daughters are reacting.

But that is my interpretation.

Hey Peaches- get out of my head!!!! I have had this EXACT conversation with my T many times- and i still struggle with this. Ive had no serious trauma in my life; my parents provided me with food, clothes, went on vacations, had bday parties every year...etc. Nothing "bad" happened to me, and yet i am very unhappy and have not been in a relationship since i was 18. I am 30!! so its been difficult for me to figure out WHY i am so dsyfunctional. If i had a good childhood, why am i afraid of life? I can only conclude it was me. My theory is that since i was a preemie (4 mos early), and was isolated for so long, that my mother and i didnt bond as well as we could have. Ive read studies that show preemies are less engaged than full term births, which may make the mother misattune. My mom had me when she was 19 (just barely), so that effected how i was raised as well.

But somehow that doesnt make me feel any better. It just happens to be unfortunate circumstances tha led to this? I almost wish i COULD pinpoint where something went wrong. Like you, i have a need for it to be more clear and concrete.

Peaches, my mom is not a mean narcissist. I read an article once about this type of narcissist and I just looked for it and couldn't find anything about it. My mom is very cheerful. I have never seen her get mad. Her feelings can get hurt very easily, though. The bottom line is that she could not attend to me and it also seems like your mom could not attend to you. Here is an article that you might find helpful: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...-a-narcissist/

As this article explains, the problem is in their attachment. If your mom isn't really attached to you she cannot take care of you adequately. Narcissists have no empathy for others, this is their hallmark. Due to their deep wound they disconnect from others so that they can survive. If you are disconnected with others how can you be empathetic?

Narcissists aren't happy with this disconnection. I have seen my mom look lonely and sad. Maybe your mom's charity work is a safe alternative for her where she can meet some of her connection to others needs (like Pachy was talking about).

Sounds like your dad "hated" in you what he hated in himself? He was sensitive and it sounds like he was tormented over this so he came to hate it. This is common. If I see that someone hates something in others I question if they hate this in themselves and usually it is the case. I'm sure that he loves you though and so does your mom. They just aren't able to love you the way that you need them to love you. They can only love you the way that they are able.

I think that you can come to understand what happened to you and come to see your parents objectively. I think that you haven't been able to because you've been enveloped in your pain. This would cause you to not be able to get some distance from your parents and be able to see them objectively.

I found out something about my mom that has me thinking. . .i don't think i've mentioned it yet. . .

My mom's family has a written up history that started with my grandparents. Nothing fancy, just 2-3 pages typed up for each of them, and then each of their children (including my mom). Well, my mom just wrote her 2-page history and let me read it.

One thing she talked about was having 4 older sisters and how they looked after her (the closest one in age was 8 years older). In fact, 2 of her older sisters were her school teacher for certain years (it was a small community). I got to thinking that it would sure be nice to have 4 older sisters taking care of me, in addition to my mom. So i asked my mom, "What was it like having 4 older sisters? Did you feel like you had 5 mothers?" She said, "I was never very attached to any of them, but i think they probably enjoyed being able to take care of a child."

Another thing she had mentioned in the history was that she preferred to be outdoors rather than indoors, and that every day after school, she would follow her dad and brother around while they did their farm chores, feeding the animals, etc. So i asked her, "What do you think was the reason that you wanted to be outdoors following your dad and brother around while they did their chores, rather than being in the house?" My mom said, "Oh, it wasn't anything personal. It wasn't to be with them especially. I just really liked the outdoors, being out there, the animals, etc."

So then i started wondering. . .if she didn't get especially attached to her older sisters, and she didn't follow her dad and brother around because of any attachment to them, could it be that my mom did not attach to her family of origin?? And, if so, could that be partly why I never felt like she emotionally bonded with me??

I can't say for sure, but if it was true that my mom had trouble attaching even before i was born, then that would mean that maybe our failure to bond wasn't totally my fault. I mean, i know i was really sensitive and couldn't have been easy to take care of. But i would feel SO much better if i knew for sure that the reason my mom didn't attach to me more wasn't because of something bad about me, like i wasn't lovable, or i was too difficult to deal with, or maybe because i was a mistake and they didn't really want me.

Sannah,

I know what some of my problems are, but i am not too sure what my needs are that are not met. Hmmm. it feels like i need a mom still. It feels like my mom was not a mom, but maybe an older sister. So i feel an empty hurting place inside. i crave intimacy, but getting close to people scares me too much. i am close to my husband though. He is the only person i am really, really close to. i think the child part of me craves verbal reassurance and reminders that somebody cares, as well as physical comfort, but that also is too scary.

I also think that i have a million questions, and that i desperately want/need answers and explanations about things to help me feel safe. I need things to be planned in advance so there are no scary surprises. I have to feel on guard all the time because I'm afraid if i let go and relax, something bad will happen. sometimes i just want somebody to hug me and tell me that everything is fine, that i am safe, and things will be OK.

Hi Tryingtogetby,

Yes, i think much of what happened to me is subtle stuff, so it has been harder to see and identify why things i've gone through have left me hurting so much. It's not like outright physical abuse, which i would have no problem identifying as being damaging to a person. When things i went through do not seem "bad enough," then there is a strong tendency to blame myself for just being too sensitive and making a big deal out of things that should not be any big deal. then it leads to self-hate because if i'm making a mountain out of molehill, then i wouldn't have any reason to be complaining in the first place. Instead, I would just be a whiner and an ungrateful daughter who was making my parents look badly. I don't want to be someone like that, and i think that is why i have put down these things about my life on PC to try to find out if maybe my expectations of my parents were too high and/or what i went through shouldn't have been any big deal.

Tryingtogetby,

PS - Maybe i should come out and ask my t if she thinks i'm exaggerating what happened to me as being painful when it shouldn't be. . .or if she thinks what happened would create this pain and i am just discounting it. . .

Parents and family can be such a sticky sticky wicket. It's hard to know how to feel because there can be good co-mingled with the bad.

The feelings don't fit into a nice neat compartment at all and there can be a strong push/pull - especially when we like things nice and neat.

I would ask you to consider the fact that you are the sum of all of your experiences, good and bad, and placing fault for the bad, and credit for the good at this stage is of little value.

What matters is what you do with those life experiences. It is possible to simultaneously hold joy and sadness, loneliness and belonging, anger and need.

Hi Elliemay,

I like that term "sticky wicket!" Ha Ha!

Yeah, that's my problem. I'm too black and white, and i want to label and understand everything in neat little compartments. Thanks for pointing out to me that it's not always possible to do that. People and experiences can be good and bad at the same time. Oh, that's so hard for me to digest for some reason. I think ambiguity makes me feel unsafe or unsettled. i don't know why! I also have a really hard time holding together two opposite emotions. I either feel all one emotion, or all the other. But it's back and forth, instead of simultaneously. I wonder what causes that?

Family can bring all of that out in a big way.[/quote]