Can't Figure Out My Childhood

I think you mentioned something that could be of some importance....

about your mom having 4 "little moms" plus her actual mom, you think that would be such a wonderful gift- but it may not have been, and you said your mom seems more like a "big sister" to you instead of a mom-- That could be the closest she feels comfortable to get to others.

maybe your mother didn't get much time with her own mother, since there were all those other "mothers" around. I know from experience that a sister can NOT give a child all the things that an experienced adult mother can give.(I had a sister 12 years older that stood in as my mother-- but she had to go to school, was in school events, I was left "alone" a lot--then my substitute mother moved 900 miles away when I was 5, I was very alone then.) I wonder if your mom didn't get to bond with her mother sufficiently and had so many different mother figures coming and going around her that the confusion overwhelmed her.... I wonder.....

It may sound nice to have so many mothers looking after a little one-- BUT-- it can be confusing for that little one, especially if they all have differing styles and rules-- so much confusion, that the child is overwhelmed, thus the child may distance themselves from others.

could it be that your need is to KNOW that you were always lovable??...., it's not that you never were-- it's not anything you did wrong. Your parents seem to have carried their damaged parts of their past into their parenting(unknowingly, though still hurtful for you) You didn't choose to be really sensitive just as your parents didn't choose their upbringings either.... the work is to rise above ones upbringing.

like the saying from the movie-- Hope Floats-- "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome."

I think what i found out about my mom not being particularly attached to her family is helping me feel somewhat less at fault for us not being closely bonded with her. Just knowing that maybe it's hard for her to connect in general, and that it's not something personal about me being bad. Maybe it even makes me feel some empathy for her. I've just been so afraid that she didn't bond to me because there's something unlovable or bad about me. Hmmm. . . I'd feel much better knowing it's not my fault.

I've been thinking too about those of you who have given me some other points of view to consider too. . .this is "good stuff!"

Thanks everybody for piping in with your comments!

Hi Elana05,

I'm glad ACOA has helped you understand more about your family situation. I've read a little bit about Adult Children of Alcoholics. I didn't think my dad was an alcoholic either until i started reading more about it. Now i think he is, but a well-functioning one, if you know what i mean. He doesn't throw up or pass out or anything like that. Many of the hurtful experiences I've had with him were when he'd been drinking heavily. Alcohol seems to change his personality rather drastically. It makes him argumentative and mocking. But when he is not drinking, he is rather quiet and noncommunicative.

Roseleigh7,

Thank you for validating my feelings. It means alot to me. I still can't understand about the divorce thing. . .why they said it was none of my business, but they told my sister. My mom is usually so polite and mild. I remember feeling really shocked and hurt whe said that, although i didn't say anything at the time. It was just one of those moments when it felt like a knife cutting through my heart.

Hi Granite,

Yes, i felt alone much of the time. And very confused. I couldn't make heads or tails out of so many things that happened at home. I tried so hard to figure out what was going on, but never could. Because i could not make sense of my parents' behavior as a child, i felt that i must be bad or not deserving, or else they would not act that way. Especially since i was mainly the child my dad was always mad at. But i was never sure what i was doing wrong to make things as they were. I'm pretty sure that if i got yelled at for doing something, i tried not to do it again. But it seemed like there was always something i did that made my dad mad. I felt sure that i was a bad person, but i did not know why.

I think that the lack of being able to understand my world left me feeling very insecure and unsure about myself and life. Because i didn't have answers then, i have almost an obsession with taking in information now. It's like i have an endless pit of questions about things i never got answers to as kid. My husband calls me an "information junkie." Sometimes i take in so much information, i give myself a headache. I have 500+ books on my shelves, more than i can read in my lifetime. My spiritual studies have answered many of my questions about life, which has helped. But it almost seems like because of how my childhood was, i can never get enough answers now to make me feel that it's safe to just relax and enjoy my life. I think maybe this is what is meant by being "hypvervigilant."

Can'tStopCrying,

Thank you for bringing up emotional neglect. That is a term my t has used also in talking about my childhood. It wasn't so much that my parents did anything bad. . .it was more what they "didn't" do that caused the pain. Errors of omission, i guess you would call them. Those things are harder to pinpoint and see. Thanks for validating my feelings!

Rainbow,

Your post was so honest. Some of it was hard to read. But i appreciate you saying what you did. I needed to hear it. Thank you for all the hugs!

From what you have written, IMO the needs that didn't get met as a child were 1) bonding, attachment, comfort, especially when you were upset and 2) validation that you are okay just as you are (ie: your dad's treatment of you).

Hi Sunrise,

Well. . .one thing i keep hearing over and over is that it's probably fruitless to try to determine an exact cause for my problems. It's probably a combination of my parents' not knowing how to raise kids and my sensitivity, and perhaps even genetics.

I've been trying to figure out WHY it's so important for me to know WHY i turned out this way or whose fault it is . . .it may have to do with anger and disappointment. I always doubt that i have a right to feel upset or angry or hurt about my parents. So i guess, in some ways, i've been trying to get validation from people here at PC that, yes, the things my parents did would/could cause me to feel angry and hurt. Then it would be easier to allow myself to have my feelings. But otherwise, i keep feeling that i should stifle them, that perhaps it is not "right" to feel the way I do.

As far as improving the relationship with my mom is concerned, my t says i shouldn't expect her to change. So i think that the best i can do is to let go of my expectations that she "should" become more nurturing or "should" show more interest in me or "should" become affectionate or praise me more, etc. I need to accept her as she is, the good and the bad. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.

It's hard to let go of what i wanted with her as a child and didn't get. But in some ways, i think she was clueless about what i needed emotionally as a child and/or even what i still need as an adult. She seems unable to recognize or respond to anything negative. She doesn't "see" pain. And there's not a way to get her to recall from the past (or see now) things she doesn't want to see.

You asked me if i was able to drop the goal of trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong, then what else would i need to heal? What i would say to that is that i have a big empty place inside my heart, and i feel a terrible lack, but i don't know how to fill it. I keep feeling that what i need is a mother figure to make up for what i didn't have. But i don't want to end up devastated like i did before when i got so attached to my friend and she ended up abandoning the friendship. I guess i know that maybe nobody could ever love me like a parent would. But i'm not sure i'm ready or able to accept that in my heart. It feels too sad.

I guess i need to accept the way my mom gives to me, rather than the way "I want her to" give to me. For example, if i have something i want her to sew for me, she will. But she will probably never sit next to me and hug me if I'm sad or cry. I've had the experience before of crying and her acting like she didn't notice at all. Another time, i recall her saying, "Oh, don't cry because you'll make me cry."

One thing i've missed the most is all the times i've been so sad and in pain, and all i wanted was for her to acknowledge my pain and help me feel better. But she's always put blinders on and left me to struggle alone with it. I suppose if i could see her actions as being the result of HER not being able to tolerate sadness/anger/pain, then it would be easier for me to accept the way she is. But there's a little girl part of me inside that says, "If mom really loved me, she would not have turned a deaf ear and let me suffer all those times." So perhaps it is the fear that she never truly loved me.

Yep, that's how I finally got through some of my struggling with the mother relationship. Not everyone is "wired" the same-- some don't ever acquire the ability to nurture emotionally. I think there are many many women in mine and your situation(though mine was also abusive)--having an emotionally distant/absent mother. It sucks, but please know-- it is about THEM and not us. (when we were children)

hope I'm not too harsh here-- but, I wonder if this has become somewhat of an "identity" for you.... and so letting it go is difficult. Not necessarily a victim mentality but... like.... well for example, I find myself catagorizing me as the one that doesn't belong(from childhood- youngest in a big family, the one picked on, laughed at, often left to do things alone and horrifically bullied), I "grew" into that identity-- I'm the one that never belongs, that people don't even want around....... I think I hold onto that as it being a part of me.... I sure don't want to but it's what I know...
do you think that sounds like something you're doing? hanging onto the "identity" of being unlovable by mother-- if you let it go and realize it was HER all along that had the problem-- then WHO will YOU be? a loveable person in a mismatched family?
could you be a victim of circumstance?
and really NOT flawed in that way at all........
I wonder, how would that feel for you, looking at it that way............

You won't hear me saying this. I think that it is important for healing to understand what happened.

Why? What is driving this?

I think that you need to quit looking at her and look at you. I also think that you need to get angry. I'll bet you are pushing your anger down really far? You don't need to show your parents your anger at this point. Just find it for yourself.

This is a good analysis of your mom.

One step at a time. Maybe your first step is to find your anger?

And then what to do with the pain from this?

You can come to understand that she will never meet this need for you and that you can find people who will meet this need for you. Others can meet these needs for you without being your mother. They have to be healthy people, though.

Your mother is not psychologically healthy. It has nothing to do with her loving you. She is your mother. Of course she loves you. She is just unable to meet your needs because of her issues.

Tohelpafriend,

Thanks for the book tip. It sounds like something that might benefit me. I think you are right that i need to "get over it" so I'm not "trapped in the past." I do seem stuck there!! I do feel like i forgive my mom, but I can't seem to get over the hurt feelings about things that she's done (or, actually, not done). If it still hurts alot, does that mean I haven't really forgiven? I think it is easier to forgive if her intentions were good (such as if she really did care alot for me but didn't know how to help) versus she didn't help or protect me because she didn't care enough to notice. But without being able to talk to my mom and get input, i will never know what her true intentions were, i can only guess. Regardless of the intentions, though, i can see how being able to come to some kind of peace with this and move on would benefit me.

Treehouse,

YES, YES, YES! This:

I wonder if the question of "fault" is kind of keeping you in a similar place...a place of not being able to just accept that what happened happened, and to begin healing?

And also this:

My not wanting to accept the possibility that the reason they didn't pay more attention to me, provide guidance and protection, or help me when i was suffering might be because they didn't love me that much and were more interested and tied up in their own lives and pursuits.

If that's the true reason, it just breaks my heart.

Hi Perna,

You said so much that feels deep and hard to understand. But i think you are saying that what is important is learning how to accept my feelings as valid and working in therapy on the feelings, rather than who caused them or why they are there. Is that right?

I do have a problem with feeling that i need certainty and black and white answers. Without that, i feel uneasy and can't pinpoint whether a thought or feeling is appropriate or valid. It is like i am looking for some reference book, some "proof" that i can line up my thoughts and feelings against to determine if they are correct. I think that's why i ask for others' opinions so much. . .because i am not sure if i can trust what is inside me or how i perceive things. Ambiguity is very uncomfortable for me, gray areas, situations that could be interpreted differently. Something inside me says i need to know which interpretation is the correct one before i can relax and settle down. Otherwise my mind just goes around and around and around, analyzing and trying to come up with the "truth."

How does one go about getting used to abiguity and not having all the answers. . .and still feeling safe and OK with that?

"My not wanting to accept the possibility that the reason they didn't pay more attention to me, provide guidance and protection, or help me when i was suffering might be because they didn't love me that much and were more interested and tied up in their own lives and pursuits."

This seems to be where you are stuck with all of this? You really fear that they don't love you?

I think that you first need to understand why you are like this? If a person grows up in an insecure environment they will learn to try to seek out a secure environment in order to decrease anxiety. In the best case scenario, a child develops a secure attachment to a caregiver. If a child develops an insecure attachment it seems that they then seek out security in the environment instead, in order to decrease anxiety. A secure environment would be stable, predictable, and unchanging. This makes life difficult. What is needed is secure attachment to people. I think that you first need to work through what happened between you and your parents before you can move on to any of this, though.

Sannah,

Yes, absoutely. I deep down in the core of my being am afraid that my parents have never really loved me. I'm really scared it''s true.

If i knew for sure that my parents didn't really love me, i would feel like dying.

My dad told my husband once that if they could do it over, they would not have kids. Doesn't that mean he doesn't think my sister and I were worth having?

Parents = gods. Pretty important, eh?

It could mean he does not think they did a good job of raising you, that they were not up to the task. Or something else.

So you are afraid to explore all of this because you don't want to find the answer that they do not love you?

What does it mean to you if they don't love you?

I can tell you as a parent (mother) who was wrapped up in my career, I didn't give the amount of attention that my daughter really needed....& I probably really messed her up in some ways.....sometimes we make choices because as women, we want more than to JUST be mothers...not saying that all are like that, but honestly, I really wasn't interested in having a child....but sometimes it happens. I love my daughter....but probably initially, NOT as much as women who really WANT children because my focus was on getting my degree & getting my career going & then keeping it going.

I was lucky in that I had my parents who took care of my daughter & other wonderful families....so she was surrounded by love growing up....but it didn't all come from me, her mom.

What was interesting is that my mother was a stay at home mother, who didn't have any life outside of the home & honestly....I hated the way my mother was.....felt smothered by my parents & completely pulled away from them because I didn't want their love.

I asked one of my psychologists about that once & their comment was that as children....a lot of times we want what we don't have.....he said that I felt secure because I knew that my parents loved me (even though it felt like being smothered) so I could pull away without any fear of loosing any love.

The interesting thing was that I wanted to be the kind of parent/mom that I wanted my parents/mom to be.

I don't think you should jump to the conclusion that your mother didn't love you.....but that she was probably in the generation where she was trying to be herself & may have been in a similar situation as I was.....It's not all black & white....& I'm not sure I ever really explained our family situation to my daughter....sad but in family dynamics, many times important things never get said......until sometimes after they have caused a whole lot of problems.

Think it might be a good time to sit down & just talk with your mother & see where she was really coming from as being a mother....many times mothers of my era weren't willing to admit that they wanted a career more than they wanted a family....it was definitely in the period of time where it wasn't as acceptable as it is now. It really helps to be understanding & listen to all sides of a situation before jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.

Just thought I would offer you some thoughts from a mom that wasn't really a good mom either.....I was there for my daughter when she really needed things.....but until the need became high priority...I would let things slide.....but always tried to be there to support her whenever I could.

Hi Sittingatwatersedge,

Yeah, when she said that, my heart just dropped. It seems like other people always want to talk about their kids and grandkids, boast about them, show pictures, etc. I feel sad that my mom would rather talk about her job than her family. My mom told me once that some of the people she worked with didn't even know she had kids. I dunno, there's just so much that seems to point to the fact that i wasn't and am not all that important to her. I don't want to think so, but doesn't it appear that the proof is there?

Hi Sannah,

It's interesting what you said about narcissistic people having a failed attachment to their caregivers. I honestly don't know if my mom was close to her mom or not. My mom did tell me that her mom always had very high expectations that she assumed her children to meet. She said her mother was not very complimentary and that her dad was moreso. As far as making a fantasy world where everything is perfect, my mom definitely does this. She literally does not see anything bad. It's like she refuses to acknowledge anything that is painful or people that suffer. She does do things for people. For example, she goes to a nursing home occasionally where she plays piano for the residents. My h says she only does it because she loves to play piano and she gets attention, but i tend to think that she must, on some level, want to help the residents. But anyway, about not seeing bad things. . .

One day when i was visiting her on vacation, it was her day to play piano at the nursing home, so i went with her. When we got there, the piano bench was missing. So we went looking for it. We found it in another room and began wheeling it toward the room with the piano in it. On the way, we saw a lady sitting against the wall. She had her pants down and had defecated on the floor. She was very distressed and was reaching her arms out toward us, saying "Help me. Help!" I looked over at my mom with a look like, what should we do? But my mom just smiled and kept wheeling the piano bench into the room, sat down at the piano, and started arranging her music. An awful feeling like unreality swept through me. I said, "But mom, what about that lady?" She replied, "Oh, someone will find her eventually," and she began to play music. I felt shocked. I couldn't just sit there, so i went and told somebody that there was a woman in the other room that needed help.

Sannah,

Yes, I'm afraid to feel angry with my parents. I feel really guilty being mad at them because i think they probably did the best they could, since they really were so young and knew nothing about raising kids. I'm also a Christian, and i have learned from scripture that it's important to be forgiving. On top of that, my mom is just so smily and upbeat, i feel wrong to have feelings of resentment or anger. I guess in some ways I think that, despite how much terrible pain i feel inside, there's another part of me that says that my childhood wasn't bad enough for me to feel the way i do. My anger and sadness and pain don't feel justified. To admit i have these negative feelings toward my parents makes me feel ungrateful and bad. So i try to make the negative feelings go away, but they don't go away. Then when they are in town, i visit them with a big smile on my face and have fun, and i try to forget the part of me inside that is like a hurt, sad, angry little girl.