Can't Figure Out My Childhood

Very good Peaches! My mom is narcissistic and she isn't attached to anyone! I remember her mother and she never said one word to me (she died when I was 12). I have read that narcissists are deeply wounded people because of a failed attachment to their caregivers. They, therefore, go through life unattached to people and they have fantasy lives where they make life perfect in their mind. This is how they cope and survive.

Are you struggling with whose fault it is because you don't want to be angry with your parents? We all go through anger phases when we inventory what we didn't get. Would you be afraid of jeopardizing what little of a relationship that you have with your parents by feeling angry?

I feel like people who would hear my story would think i was just being picky and oversensitive and that nothing that bad has ever happened to me. . .that i'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. And then i would feel deeply ashamed for not being more grateful and content about what my parents have done for me.

How about your parents had their own issues that blinded them to what you needed?

This is how I see my mother. She has major personality problems and she didn't have the ability to "see" me.

Yes, like Sannah-- I've accepted that my parents had their own issues going on within themselves---- the combo of a disconnected father with a Borderline/Narcissist mother- both parenting a quiet/obedient/withdrawn child in a HUGE family where only yelling is heard and breaking rules/the law is expected..... not a good combo

and your situation-- a father that teased, drank and wasn't your protector, a mother that didn't know how to bond with a little one that so needed that--- and -- the little one that is sensitive- maybe not able to figure things out all on her own, needing guidance/nurturing to feel safe.

It's an unfortunate combo.....
like being given just ketchup and lemons and told to make a good pie or dry cereal and pepsi and told to fix a healthy breakfast......

it sucks we can't "pick" the family that best matches our inner-self.

best to you

fins

Peaches......it was interesting reading what you wrote......it was almost the opposite of what I felt about my mother growing up. My mother was the housewife....the mother......her whole life was about being a wife & a mother & I wanted her to be MORE. My dad was a machinist....neither of them had education beyond high school, & when my dad was with others who were educated, his arguing his point of view that had no knowledge to back it up was something that I was very embarrassed about. I never wanted my parents to hold my hand, & definitely show any affection especially out in public....didn't want anyone to know that I was a part of them. My mother didn't drive & couldn't go anywhere if my dad wasn't there to take her, or if she could get the neighbor's to take her with them.

Interesting how you wanted your parents affection when you didn't have it & with me...my parents wanted nothing more than to give me affection & I pushed them away because I wanted NOTHING to do with them.

Because of the way I felt about my mother & wanting her to get a job & to be something....not just a housewife that couldn't do anything except cook & clean house.....I choose to be the professional & go to college, get my degree & get a career....it was the only thing I wanted in life......I wasn't interested in getting married or having a family because of what I experienced growing up. I never related to babies & had absolutely NO interest in babies or children....no desire to babysit when I was growing up either. My fun playing was with the neighborhood boys & baseball & had no interest playing dolls or house with any of the neighborhood girls. I think that some of our interests must be genetically defined rather than by our environment even though it does play a part in that I really didn't want to be like my mother.....so obviously, I had no interest in the playing house.

I ended up getting married & ended up having one child who wasn't planned......yep, my career was my focus....I worked hard to get my degree & there was NOTHING that was going to get in my way. I shared parent responsibilities with my husband who was also in the same career as I was. I always supported my daughters activities & we always included her in on all our backpacking trips & our skiing vacations. Everything that was other than work was always family. But both my husband & I had business trips that took us away at times. It was just part of the responsibility of having a career. Any time my daughter had a problem or needed something, we were always there & were able to take time away from work unless there was something critical going on with the project we were on. Remember going to school & fighting for my daughters rights several times & was always able to use the logic to make them understand the needs that my daughter had. It wasn't easy being parent & professional engineer but luckily, the job was flexible enough that I was able to take off the time I needed to take care of family issues after giving work 70 hours a week when they needed it also. I just knew that I wasn't the caring mother that most mothers were that wanted to be a mother.....I cared & loved, but I never felt what a real close relationship was with anyone until 4 years ago when I finally left my husband (I had lost my career in 1994 & was completely LOST).

I think the real thing is with life is that it is what it is & each person sees it differently because each person relates to the other people in a completely different way. My daughter spent most of her growing up years with my parents....who cared for her after school rather than putting her into a day care situation......her relationship with my parents was completely DIFFERENT than my relationship was with them.....she saw my parents in a completely different way than I saw them....it wasn't right or wrong....it just was her experience....which was different than mine. Can't blame my parents for how I saw them....that was just the way I perceived life & what I wanted out of it wasn't what my parents could give to me....but for some other child, my parents might have been absolutely PERFECT. Interesting how life seems to give us what we don't want. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't really for a reason.....to give us the opportunity to think differently by wishing for something different than what we had....opening up the mind by wishing for something different than what we have....by not being satisfied makes us think differently & want to be different ourselves.....so we determine what we want to do different.....not right or wrong....just different....so that we won't be the same thing that we didn't want in our own parents.

I think the most important thing is that there is "NO FAULT" really involved in some parenting.....or maybe there is NOTHING BUT FAULT....because there is no parent that does parenting perfect or even right when it comes right down to it.....the things that I didn't like in my parents & wanted to change are exactly the things that my own daughter didn't like or want in me as a parent & wouldn't want to be like for her own children.

Life is just plain complicated & we have to do the best with what we have, make the changes that we feel we don't want to be like & try to become what it is that we didn't like in our own parents....to try correct the things we thought were wrong...only to make our own mistakes that end up making our own children unhappy with us in the long run.

Ah, isn't life interesting......

HOpe you can work through all these issues that you are dealing with. I agree, there are some things that were serious situations in your life....& it's horrible when others don't see things the same way you see them....either in denial....or just plain didn't experience them the same way you did......there are just some things we will never know.

My father died over 20 years ago & my mother died 6 years ago....there is no one left to ask questions of....I was an only child & there was on one else that observed any of my childhood....it was what it was & my life is what it is based on what I preceived from my childhood....right or wrong......nothing to really blame my parents for....they were who they were & did what they did based on how they grew up & what they wanted to end up being like as parents....just as I did based on the way I felt about my childhood. Accepting it for what it was & realizing that any fault I thought existed in their parenting is probably the same thing that caused the different faults in my parenting.

she turned her back on so many obvious signs of distress when we were kids. I don't understand it. She wasn't a mean person, not in the least. Very positive. But it's hard for me to believe that she could love us deeply when she many times had to have known we were sad or suffering, and didn't provide what we needed in the way of comfort and protection.

I love my mom dearly. But I'll never understand how she could turn away when we needed her most.