[chlorophyll]

I see a counselor for many issues but I didn't go into too much detail about this one. I was sexually assaulted 7 months ago. And my counselor always asks me how I was doing the past week (I see him once a week.) I say I'm fine, but I'm not. Out of nowhere, so often, I see the face of my attacker. He is smiling. And it looks like an innocent smile. Sometimes, it happens in my dreams as well. It hurts me so much to think of him and what happened. It ruins my happiness to remember how happy he was when he did what he did. I blame myself because I must have done something for him to think that was acceptable. Otherwise why was his smile like that? Like I wanted it when I didn't? I don't know how to explain this, sorry. But out of nowhere I just start crying. Sometimes, for maybe a few minutes then I force myself to snap out of it. Sometimes I have to suppress it because I have to pretend I'm fine to everyone. And then I get home and shake and cry for hours. And I don't tell my counselor all this - I guess I should. I don't know how to approach it though. Not because he's a guy, in fact, I'm grateful he is a guy. But I'm so used to suppressing everything and pretending I'm fine that when I get my hour in the consultation room, a mental block hits my head and only leaves when I'm alone to my thoughts and fear again. Sorry this is so long. Does anyone have any ideas?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Could you try writing it down? When I first started therapy, I had a really hard time bringing up SA and when I asked how I was I always said fine even though I was anything but fine. I started bringing my journal to my T sessions and he would read some entries out loud and then we would talk about them. I've changed from barely being able to get out a whisper and mostly nodding my head yes or shaking my head no to be able to speak about some horrific things. I used journals and my sketchbook to get the process started and my T was very patient for months working this way. Slowly I began to speak, from a couple sentences in the beginning to a complete session.

Seeing the face of your attacker is a common symptom of PTSD. Talking to your counselor is a good place to start. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Why do you feel like you have to suppress your emotions?

Welcome to PC - this is a very supportive community!

[chlorophyll]

Thanks Can't Stop Crying. I thought about doing that. I've written quite a few things down and I had planned to read them to him at my last appointment, and when he asked how I had been the past week, I tried to make myself go to the subject, but I was too nervous and embarrassed maybe to bring it up. I think I might get a book and write them in properly and I'll just leave it with him at the end of my appointment maybe? I can't read it out because I'll start crying and if he reads it out, it will probably be the same. One thing about having an understanding person listen is that sometimes I feel like he feels sorry for me. And so many worse things happen in people's lives, I don't think I deserve it.

I guess I'm so used to suppressing my emotions, which is why I feel like I have to. From even when I was little, I was the strong girl. I guess I saw my mum and dad physically fight a lot when I was little, and even though I was the youngest sibling, I always felt mothering of my two older sisters (1 year older and 4 years older.) So even when I wanted to cry or be upset, I would pretend I was fine. And that carried through when my dad got kicked out when I was about 9 and when my mum was depressed all through my early teens up to now. I'm the one my mum always tells her problems and pretty much all my friends and I guess I've never really had anyone listen to my own. So I've fallen into the habit of suppression and repression.

[Can't Stop Crying]

It is okay to cry in front of T! There is no scale for suffering...pain is pain, you can't compare your trauma to others. What matters the most is how it impacted you and what you think you need to do to recover. I think learning to have and express feelings is a good think to work on. Have you thought about printing your thread for your T? Might give him some insight as to where you are right now. Someone suggested that to me once and it was very useful advice!

[chlorophyll]

I guess that is a way to look at it... I can't help but look at the pain scale though thinking about where I come from. People don't have life "easy" in my home country and I guess I'm lucky my parents moved here and I was born here. I'll work at it. That's insight. Thanks. I will try and express my feelings more. I guess I just feel like I'm complaining and that it "really ain't all that bad." Even writing this feels like I'm complaining, ha. Good idea, I think I will print this for him to see. Thank you for everything!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Just so you know - I don't view your post as complaining, I view it as reaching out for support, which is a very healthy thing to do!

[mgran]

You really weren't to blame for what happened to you, in any way shape or form... and there's nothing at all wrong with asking for help. Don't put yourself down... you're worth so much more than you can believe. You're a brave person, coming to terms with a horrible wrong. Just always remember, none of this is your fault.

[chlorophyll]

Thank you CSC and mgran. Your comments mean a lot... it's amazing what simple words can do. I hope I can remember this. Thank you again xxx

[*doodles*]

I know I'm a little late replying, but I really think you should TRY to bring it up with T. Going into therapy, I honestly NEVER thought I would go into all of this with her. But I am SO glad I did. It really does help. It is overwhelming and hard, and a lot of the time I don't know if it is helping, but then I have those moments when I realize things are changing in my head. Like CSC said, I would try writing stuff down(or bringing in what you have already written). I am still in this phase with T. I will email her to tell her I have written something(otherwise I will bring it and not give it to her and then wish I had) and then she asks if I want to give it to her then, or at the end. It's usually more helpful to just give it to her, so I don't have to sit for a week wondering what she thinks of it. But either way, its alot easier than actually SAYING anything, but it gets the ball rolling.
You don't have to be the strong one always...its time to focus on YOU and helping you. I know what it feels like to have to always pull it together and put on this image for everyone around you. But there comes a time when you have to let other people worry about themselves and focus on you Just remember you are not complaining, and you deserve to reach out and get help!

[Can't Stop Crying]

How are you feeling now Chlorophyll?

[chlorophyll]

doodle3609 said:

I know I'm a little late replying, but I really think you should TRY to bring it up with T. Going into therapy, I honestly NEVER thought I would go into all of this with her. But I am SO glad I did. It really does help. It is overwhelming and hard, and a lot of the time I don't know if it is helping, but then I have those moments when I realize things are changing in my head. Like CSC said, I would try writing stuff down(or bringing in what you have already written). I am still in this phase with T. I will email her to tell her I have written something(otherwise I will bring it and not give it to her and then wish I had) and then she asks if I want to give it to her then, or at the end. It's usually more helpful to just give it to her, so I don't have to sit for a week wondering what she thinks of it. But either way, its alot easier than actually SAYING anything, but it gets the ball rolling.
You don't have to be the strong one always...its time to focus on YOU and helping you. I know what it feels like to have to always pull it together and put on this image for everyone around you. But there comes a time when you have to let other people worry about themselves and focus on you Just remember you are not complaining, and you deserve to reach out and get help!

Thank you also doodle3609. I identify with everything you said... it does stress me out when I don't bring up something, wish I had, but then it's too late. I guess it would be nice to focus on me for once, if I could wire up my brain to do that. I guess living at home still makes me worry about everyone (my sisters are home too while they study at uni), but it's not like I can move out while studying and without a job. Hmm, maybe it's not complaining. I dunno. Maybe I'll get used to talking about myself someday. But thank you! Your response isn't too late, it helped.

Can't Stop Crying, I'm feeling pretty good today. I have some days where I can convince myself it's not my fault. Today is one of them I think

[Fuzzybear]

***** may trigger, wanted to add trigger icon,, it won't let me *******
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Your title here makes me think of a "friend".... a long time ago (over 10 years ago) A male friend.. who emotionally assualted me. As he had been trained professionally, he should have known better. as well as another "friend" who physically raped me, my first time. Sorry to blab here, just your title resonated with me.
Sending you support and care

[chlorophyll]

may trigger, wanted to add trigger icon,, it won't let me

Sorry, I was trying to change the name and icon of this to the trigger one also, but I don't know how to. If you could tell me how to do this, I will do it. Sorry bout that, I didn't think about that until after I posted it.

I'm sorry Fuzzybear that that happened to you.... it's not fair. Some people are just evil. And sorry for triggering that for you. Equally, I wish to send you support and care. Sorry again.

[Sannah]

Hi Chorophyll, welcome to PC. People who rape are meeting some need of their's so yes, they can smile. You didn't do anything to cause his raping. He wasn't thinking about you at all. He was only thinking of himself.

Originally Posted by chlorophyll

I tried to make myself go to the subject, but I was too nervous and embarrassed maybe to bring it up.

One thing about having an understanding person listen is that sometimes I feel like he feels sorry for me. And so many worse things happen in people's lives, I don't think I deserve it.

You do deserve to be listened to!

It is okay to feel embarrassed. You can talk and be embarrassed.

[chlorophyll]

Thanks Sannah. Guess I did exactly that on Thursday. Ended up revealing more than I ever thought I would be able to, so I guess it is okay to be embarrassed and talk about awkward things. And I guess it is nice to be really listened to once in a while. My T said pretty much what you did about the smiling thing. Now I'm dealing with that, my second issue about it is coming to light a bit more which is kinda worse, but kinda confusing. I don't know.

He worked at my workplace. My manager noticed something was up the next evening because she said she saw something the night before (She clearly wasn't looking hard enough or maybe she would have helped me.) But I admitted he was "harrassing" me (I really didn't want to think about or discuss the details) and so she talked to the rest of the HR team and said she would be issuing him a warning. So the rest of that night I tried to hide and be inconspicuous because I didn't know if he was working that night and had already made my mind up that I would be quitting and didn't want to ever see his face before then or after for that matter. But no matter how I tried, he did have work that night and I looked up and he was about 5 metres away and he glanced at me and he looked sad. I don't get that. I really don't. It only adds to the feeling of guilt and wonder if I am to blame.

[Bill3]

he glanced at me and he looked sad. I don't get that. I really don't. It only adds to the feeling of guilt and wonder if I am to blame.

I agree with Sannah. His feelings are not your fault, and you did nothing wrong. If he was disciplined at work, it was because he deserved to be disciplined.

[Can't Stop Crying]

He deserves more than consequences at work IMO, but that is a personal choice if you wish to pursue legal avenues. Good for you for sharing in therapy, it is hard at first, but gradually it gets easier to let things out. You took the first step - which is huge - I am proud of you for that. It was not your fault - the blame is all his! No matter how sad or remorseful or whatever he may seem - it is just another way to manipulate you. Have you quit your job? I'm worried about you having to see him regularly - if you continue to work there, you can ask HR to require him to maintain distance from you and not approach you. Ultimately because they are aware of the "harassment" report, the are responsible for keeping you protected from him. Keep us posted, okay? I am keeping you in my thoughts!

[chlorophyll]

Thank you for all your responses. It really does mean a lot.

I guess you are right Bill93, I know he deserved to be disciplined because whether somebody wanted him or not, it's not acceptable for stuff like that to go on within the workplace grounds anyway. I guess I feel guilty about that because I don't understand why he would look at me like he was wronged. I still try to think back real hard to se if I led him on in any way but I can't think of anything apart from the fact that the uniform was quite form fitting (but I don't understand how a black shirt and black jeans are in any way attractive.) Other than that, for everything I had in my power to do, I kept them friendly and not flirty. Maybe I'm too nice to people sometimes? I always thought being nice was an innocent thing.

Hi Can't Stop Crying, I do believe you're right. I had thought about it. Three things for me held me back from taking legal action:

For one, my work bosses didn't think anything was wrong because just before I quit (yes, I quit a week afterwards. I only saw him once during that week which was the time I mentioned above) I did try to write down a bit of what happened on the request of my boss. They said they would investigate in my absence, and they did, but he still kept his job. They sent me that in an email about 3 weeks after. That told me a lot.

Second, the police in my country seem to be quite useless with dealing with these cases. They don't take evidence as evidence and it's only really if somebody is raped AND killed that any justice (albeit minimal) is done. For rape and sexual assault, it's the perpetrator's word against the victim's. And the way they grill victims here to check if it is a false claim is, to be honest, soul-destroying. For the victim, it's liar until proven truthful. For the perpetrator, innocent until proven guilty. Sad fact of life.

Thirdly, the way information gets passed in this country is a bit disconcerting. I am 17, I'm at school and all the services tie in with each other. If I told the police, they'd tell my school, my mum and sisters, my teachers, my GP, the social services even. Basically, everybody would know. And I would just feel so bad for my family if they found out like that and 7 months after it happened and 2 months after my T (who they know nothing of.) They just can't find out.

I hate ending messages on a negative, so I'll turn it positive. I discovered yesterday that there is always hope, even in the darkest, seemingly bottomless pit we are sometimes dragged into by life. That's reassuring.

[Sannah]

Good job in therapy!

[Bill3]

I still try to think back real hard to se if I led him on in any way but I can't think of anything apart from the fact that the uniform was quite form fitting (but I don't understand how a black shirt and black jeans are in any way attractive.) Other than that, for everything I had in my power to do, I kept them friendly and not flirty. Maybe I'm too nice to people sometimes? I always thought being nice was an innocent thing.

A woman being nice to a man, or wearing a certain type of clothing, never give a man permission to assault her. No matter how nice you were to him, no matter how you were dressed, his actions were not your fault.

[Can't Stop Crying]

It's okay to not pursue legal actions, I just wanted to make sure you knew that you had that option. While I regret not prosecuting my father before the statute of limitations ran out, I have no regrets for not filing a police report against the man who raped me when I was 15 for reasons similar to what you listed above. I want to reiterate what Bill said - it doesn't matter how you dressed or how you acted - it was 100% completely his fault. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! There is nothing wrong with being nice either. It was his fault, he made the choice to assault you, and he needs to deal with the consequences.
I'm relieved to hear you are no longer working with him. I'm glad you have hope to hold onto in your darkest moments. Don't let that go!