Why the Holidays are difficult for me...and what I need to do about it..

The onset of the Holidays Season, which begins with Turkey Day, is one of the most difficult times for me and in my recovery stages.
You see, it was right around this time back 24 years ago when my abuser first hurt me. I remember it like yesterday.
It was during my church's holiday bazaar.
I can still hear all the noise going on down in the fellowship hall as well as my very own heart pounding so loud I thought it was going to explode.
I remember feeling scared. I remember how sweaty and smelly he was.
He took away my innocense @ 12 years old. He took away my joy during the Holiday Season.
I hate him for this.
I am trying to work in therapy over the past few months to finally be healed from what happened. I never really took as much time and effort before because it seemed so much easier to just avoid it, to just numb it out. It was easier to try and kill myself to get rid of the pain then to actually speak about it and trust someone with it.
Now, after 24 years of carrying this around with me I have had enough.
He will no longer take away what was once mine...and should have remained mine.
I am no longer let him control my head during the Holidays.
I am all grown up now. I know I can attend something festive and he will not be there waiting for me around the bend.
I still have a long way to go.
I have a lot of work to do.
But, I am going to be brave and face it and deal with it and start feeling better.

(((((((((((((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))))))))))

You are so incredibly brave! I'm so proud of you. You've been learning so much. You're learning and strategically using the coping skills that t is helping you with. How awesome is that!

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. You didn't ask for any of that, nor did you deserve it. However, you're going to deal with it and make your life your own, not what someone else would've hoped. What a gift and power you possess!

KD

Oh, Suz! I really feel for you! It must be dreadful living with these memories! I think that you´re very strong handeling this! You´ll be in my thoughts!

(((((((((Suz)))))))))

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

But I think that you are wonderful to be stronger then him and not let him destroy your life now. You are taking a very good step! You can be proud of you! I am proud of you!

(((((((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((sj))))))))))) I am so sorry that you went through this at such a young age. You are so brave to be facing it now and break free from what he stole from you so many years ago. I hope these holidays are the start of many more to be enjoyed to the fullest. Please take care of yourself and good luck on your journey.

(((((((((((((SUSAN)))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!
In spite of your pain you're sounding very strong.
I'm glad to see that.
I hope you know I'm here (PM me) if you want to talk.

Pain is so real for us... I am sorry for your pain at this time of year. I wish that all of us could be free of it. But I know it is a process. May you find some peace during this holiday season. I will keep you in my intentions.

(((((((((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for this pain...I can feel your pain.... This time of year is horrible for me too.... i try my best to not let it show, but there are days like yesterday when I cant help it... It has been 19 years since the abuse started and 12 since it stopped, but yet there are times like now that it still feels so real....
You are so brave! I am here for you if you need to vent ok?

THANKS MRB!
Nice to know there is support here because as the time draws closer..the chaos in my head only becomes more extreme.

i fully understand.... I woke up sweating saturday night because I had one of those dreams... you know what I am talking about.... My cousin will be 19 on thursday and as that day comes closer, i too have choas in my head... as it was that day that my stepdad crossed the line...