[Lexicon78]

I've been thinking about my perpetrators a lot tonight...well, I guess it's morning now. You see last week I had a flashback about my step-father molesting me. The flashback in itself was bad enough. I never cried over him molesting me until the flashback last week. Now when I think about it it's like Niagara Falls. I can't seem to turn it off anymore like I used to. I sometimes feel like my walls have crumbled and I don't know why. Maybe I guess it's time to work on my abuse issues. I thought I worked on them before but I guess you can't really work on something when you have so many walls built around each event.

I was thinking about my step-father tonight and started crying. I don't understand how he could touch me the way that he did...men seem to like to do that to women. That's my experience, anyways. And they smile when they do it...and the blackness in their eyes is so cold. Like they don't even have a heart. I know women do the same kind of stuff too but I don't have experience with that. Just freakin men...or little boys over the age of 18.

After my step-father molested me I started having severe stomach pains and everything...everyone thought my period was starting, but it wasn't. It was the abuse that caused it. Sometimes all I have to do is look at the hair on men's bodies and I'm triggered. Even the hair on their arms or legs triggers me. That's what I saw as a child. The hair. No wonder I was turned on to women.

Then in 2000 my boyfriend tortured me and abused me severely. It was so bad that I formed DID/PTSD from it. I've never fully recovered from it. That's when I became disabled. I just couldn't bear what happened. Since I was so abused as a child, it was so much more worse for me since he held me down with his body, grabbed my wrist, and forced my hand on a little girl...she was only 11. After that I'd black out and end up hanging myself or cutting myself really bad.

Things haven't been that easy for me. Nothing has since then. Before this all happened I was able to go to school, learn new things, concentrate, have good relationships, be around people, laugh, have normal conversations, etc. Now all I talk about is therapy-related subjects, can't concentrate worth crap, cannot seem to learn anything, can't be around people or children, my relationships suck, and I just can't be the person I once was. Things are really difficult for me now. And it's almost been 6 years. When am I supposed to get better?

I'm trying to heal myself on my own, but I'm really not doing a very good job at it. I need more help than I'm getting.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I don't think I have any wise advice because you have moved maybe past me to FEELING and all...me I am still kinda like its something I saw on TV....I do think a good T would be of help to you....I dont know but I dont think anyone can do it all by themselves.....I am so sorry you have had so many creeps in your life..not all men are like that.....I hope this is not the same bf you are with

I am just so sorry and here for you any time you wanna talk..well in 20 minutes I have to go to bed its almost 230 here but most of the time I seem to be around or a PM away

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((Lex)))))))))) I am sorry you have been through so much in your life. It saddens me what you have had to endure and I can understand why you feel the way you do about men but there are some good ones out there. Unfortunately you have not found one.

I think a good therapist, possibly specializing in trauma would help you move through what you are experiencing especially the rush of feelings. I am here too if you ever want to talk. Please try and be safe. You are worth it.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Lex: Although our experiences are totally different, the fact remains the same...PAIN IS PAIN! HURT IS HURT! ANGER IS ANGER!
I am not sure how I can offer you support or hope as I myself am battling flashbacks and cruel memories.
But, I want to be your friend and support you.
I know this all sucks...I know!

[LILITH]

I am sorry for your pain. Stay strong....
Lilith

[hillbunnyb]

Hhi Lex, Pretty hard to therap yerself when yer triggered and not thinking clearly. Maybe it's a good time for a bit of pro help. huh? No time frame on healing, darn it. the only good news is it will keep moving and change....... hopefully to become an even stoner you than you were before.
I'm so sorry you have all those horrible memories to deal with... it just sucks. Period end. I have confidence that you will move through to a better place. Go on and get some one on one support ok? You deserve it, and I think it would help you fine a more comfortable perspective on your stuff. Not so sharp and hurtful and black and white. Ya know?