Looking at my life

Sannah, I have to write it if I will not do it, I will always damage my self-esteem. Today, I should take toilet tissue to cry because I will write story about my ex-husband.

I thank you for your reading. I saw that you really help everybody here in the forum. Be careful you could try to help everybody around but it could to avoid help yourself. I know it from my own experience. The feeling I am good I did charity in India and other good staff made me something superior. I was a bighead.
And I fergot myself.

I hope you understand what I wrote. We are here to help each other. I really appreciate your comment, special if it is very rare that somebody other write here.

Mediator, I do take care of myself. I have worked through so many things.

How I can talk about it I have his name and I am last person of the name of the family.
My ex husband. Iwill give him name Belly.

We met eatchother at uni at my age 19, he was 23. I lived at dormitory. I lived in double room and together with other room we had shower and toilet. Small kitchen was on hall. He came with other friend to invite us to go to dance. He teased me about my work to school. I was interested by him. We went with others to pub. I spilt a cola at his shirt, he was upset and he took off his shirt and he gives that I should go wash it on toilet. He sat there half naked. It was interesting for me. The truth is that he was drunk. He was usually drunk. But I did not know it and I did not understand to be drunk.

I admire him that he was from famous town in the Czech Republic, he had nice cloth, because he had family from the west country so he had staff which I could not buy in shop. He had an emotional intelligence. We start to be together and exactly to move to him with my Teddy bear. Belly told me he could not do it as I did it to move to them. He had one room-mate. We put together bets. Room-mate was a friend and he told once.That he does not when he should come. He mentioned that that had sex always. I remember really times that we were for long time in bed and only slept and ate and have sex. I wanted to be with Belly I wanted to have his love and I never had his love. I did not have friends and I did not have family, he was only person in my life. I did not have orgasm but I like to do it for him and feel that I am his girlfriend. He had a lot friends. He was always who had new people around and I liked that I had his friends. I did not have a respect to myself. I gave him sex to have his love. It is sad.

I did not go to home and he did not go to home as well. His home was too far and I did not want to go to my parents. After half year my mother call me that I should go home that something horrible happened to my father. He was dead. I think I was disconnected with my emotions, I did not feel something about it, I came home and I was happy that there was my brother. After funeral I went back to dormitory. My life started to be without family. I started to receive money from state as half orphan and it was enough for me to live at school. We did not pay for school any money. I was with Belly. We did not have to study a lot because our previous education and we had sex, alcohol, playing cards, smoked cigarettes. Belly made jokes that I drank half bottle of gin and I still played chess well. Once I started to complain that I would like to do something other (go to disco) and Belly want to split to see if we are ok for us but I did not want it.

I miss him if he gone with his classmates somewhere and made complaints that he should take me. I was always jealousy he was not with me. I did not have girlfriends. I had only other boyfriends. Something strange. Belly liked admire other girls and for me it was hurting. He had a relationship with girl Blonde. Belly made always notice how she is same as he is. His words: “She looked at mirror and tolled to herself I have a poor taste (not good looking) and she went out.” It was about her big self-esteem. Belly told me that they talk about what they told before eatchother. I did not understand, I did not have an emotional intelligence. I stick at Belly despite he hurts me. He even told me that he want to have other girls to talk and it hurt me but I stacked at him as a been in honey. Sometimes I felt that it is ok if she would like to have sex with some other girl but important that he will be with me. Free relationship? I am not sure, I did not want that he could love other girl but to have a sex without love, it was for me not painful.

The story when I told him about my relationship with Foot which hurt him was horrible. He want that we will split and I remember that I was us in horrible dream I could not concentrate I was in stress, everything was not real. After we went back I promised that I will not have any contact with Food and I did. Even from the time I did not have intercourse with any other man. It was not that I loved Belly it I was scared that he will not want to be with me.

To be honest it really confusing for me, I did not love Belly, I admired, I should sent him to Belly and close door, he was my friend who helped me and I did not want to loose him, we had funny times he knew how to do it he had emotional intelligence, he gave me false esteem, that I dated “HIM”, he was upset if my brother call me that if I will run to west that he could not find a job, he had social feeling, he was usually lying, drinking, sometimes he had bad mood.

It seems it will be long story.

We lived together about one and half year on dormitory but he moved to other place in the Czech Republic, but I started to travel there. It was nice for me. There was a lot funny stories, we had beds together and boys had the bed after always together, they did not move them. Somebody checked the rooms and it was surprised for them. Boys told that it is for them better. They looked to them with suspicious of they are guys. Other fun story is that we were lost and Belly told me to smell his jacket. I did it I did not know why and after he told Dog go home. He made a joke that I can look for way because of my sense of smell.

We started to finish university and I had one bad experience. I was always felt secure with Belly but we were at his parent’s cottage. They came and send me home and Belly has to do something. Maybe it was point when I start to be not happy with Belly.

After school I did not know what to do but I decided that I will go work near of Belly. I started to work and Belly went to army. It was bad time I was alone and I travelled every weekend to him and after work from 6 morning to do what I did not want to do. Even I started to hate how he drank always. I did not want to go to him but he always drank and even he came on holiday to me. But marriage was mistake, I remember that some stage I did not want to marry him but he was upset so I agreed.

Tomorrow more

Wedding

So it was made decision that we get married during his one year of army duty. He received free time from army. To be honest I had a better chance to receive a flat from company where I worked. I look for to have my flat, I did not want to live with my mother. I had really bad relationship with my mother. When I came home she talk about me impolitely to him. She complained to him about my behaviour. It was for her does a matter if I am there or not and I hear it.

My mother promised to make sweets to our wedding. After all she couldn’t do it and I was surprised that my colleague baked for me. It was surprised for me.

My mother and parents of my Belly met first time. They went to their cottage. My mother did a notice that the cottage is not mine. She was always very materialistic. Parents of Belly were little posh. My mother in law did not want to invite her friend to show where she lived. My father in law thought always about to earn money to help rich ant in Germany even he wanted to receive my flat after our divorce. I did not like my father in law and my mother was sometimes not kind to me with her notice.

I did not like my wedding and I started hate sex with my husband. I saw different between hardworking people in my work and him who drunk and liked to go to pub with his friends.

I invited my roommate from uni and my brother and her wife. I asked my brother to take me to wedding place but I was disappointed. I did feel OK. And I did not feel that my roommate is my friend.

My husband complained about accommodation his friend from army. Wedding night was that my husband wanted to go sleep and I did not want it, I felt that he was drunk.

I give up drinking alcohol and my husband was upset about it.

Why I married? I was scared to finish relationship. I was scared to be alone. By the way my parents of law told me that we do not choose parents and parents to choose their children. Belly told me that they apologize to me to send me to my mother.

My husband came from army and we started to live together in small provision flat. I was happy that we have something but I did not like to care about flat. It was a provision. Belly started to work but he often went to her parents. We really did not live together, we did not love each other. We were two friends. After we recieved flat I was happy that I have my flat I wanted to move as soon as possible and I was surprised that Belly was not happy. He was always home with his parents. He changed his work to be policeman. After it was really end because he was very often during night out and with parents. I did not have a job and I was at home. I started to talk with somebody from my work. I wanted to be loved. I did not have nothing with my husband. I wanted that you give me money and I did not want to have sex with him. It starts me that I fellt uncomfortable with sex. He wanted sex but I hated how he touched my breast.

It is Friday
I am happy that I am I will not write

It is Saturday.
I am on my trip and only on internet caffe.

Sannah I thank you for your all thanks.

It was crazy time, I did not work and I was not OK that my husband feed me and want to cook for him and clean flat. I did not know what I how to earn money. I would like to have my business what I did not know what business.

I remember that once I ask that I would like that he wants to earn money for me. He told me he would be stupid to do it. I know that the right reply should be that he could do it but it would not be OK for me, to be dependant is a killer.

Belly started more and more to go to work and to her parents. I hated him if he was drunk. He told me things which hurt me.

I start to chat with a man from my previous job, I felt with him he really wants me, that she admire me. He had problems at home. We chatted a lot of times. We visited his friends. It was real end of my marriage.

I was not adult to look after myself and look for somebody who will admire me with a pink glasses. I looked for somebody who will be my father. My husband went tohis parents, he took his TV. I was alone and I needed a job. I had about I was in shop but I start to do accountancy and made an accountancy class. I had a job but I want to do something other. I was attracted to be stockbroker.

I had other boyfriend because the married man started to chat with other girl and it was not for me a perspective because he did not earn enough. My husband wanted to come back but he saw that I have some a man as visitor at home and he run away. After some time he came with a solution to divorce and I agreed. I thought that we could have be always friend and to be honest I was his friend till his death. We had divorce and I remember that he did not know why we are getting divorced. We were at court and judge asked question. We had to reply to her and could talk eatchother.

I wanted to go to bigger city to do stockbroker and I rented my flat. We were in contact with Belly and I remember that I was sad when we were in flat but there was sombodys other furniture. It was for me that we lost where were together. I moved to Prague and I wanted he will come to me but he did not want it and after my mother law told me that he started to live with his colleague from work. The girl which was very beautiful girl and always admired by my husband. I did not talk with him from the time and after couple of years he called me that he is free that his girlfriend to kick him out. I went to him and saw parents, his mother started to be very ill and she looked after her and his father. It was hard for him. He did not work, he told me that he did not know what to do first sometimes. His father was not able to move a his mother had Alzheimer or something like this. He told me that he drank every night. I wanted that he will go to me where I worked but he told me that he can not leave his parents. His mother died and I was together with him and his father. I worked at his computer and I saw that he is still talking with his girlfriend that had always something together and he talked with Blonde (his admired girl from university). For me it was clear that he will not change himself. We did not see eatchother. He was alone with his father. I visited him once that we chatted and he gave me a soup and he wanted to go sleep. I went to my city. He send me messages he wants that I could not come to him only just to visit. I send him message that he should me know if he change his mind. It was our last conversation. About half year ago I tried to call him and I could not catch him. When I visited my mother I had a phone call from husband of sister of my husband that Belly is death.

He died after dead of his father, alone in flat with psychological problems. The problems started if he looked for his parents, he did not want to see his friends, he felt that he spoiled his life,…………………….

I think nothing worst happened in my life.

I chatted with his sister but she really did not understand him. He told her that it seems that inside of him fight two people, a good one and a bad one. She asked him that he should tell her with whom she is talking. A stupid cow.


His death is not clear he was diabetic. There is possibility of overdose of insulin. I would like to save him and it is late, I can not change it and I do not know how I could change it. I want that he lives now. I am not sure if I still love him.

my ex-husband died 7 years ago and i feel it as it is tomorrow. i wish him that he lives. i think he played a role of my father for me (we were 7 years divorced when he died) and i think therefore it is so painful for me that he died. He died really alone his sister lives in other country.

I think I will remember all my life. Who should not married me and I should not married him.

It is for me difficult to write about something other.
I felt always he did for me what he could do, he had a lot of problems but it is still that he did everything what he could do for me.

My ex-husband. When he died I went sometimes to place where he lived to be there. It was with emotions that I see him in his window. His friends did not want to talk with me, even his best friend lied to me to pretend he is busy. They were not OK with his death.
I talked with his sister but they were different. His sister was a type which always thinks about money, she is similar as was my father in law. He wanted even my flat for them after our divorce. Always trying to help a rich relative in Germany to recieve money from them.
Belly had his problems, alcohol, sex addiction ...........

I should start about other my relationship which I had. But there were always messy as well.

After divorced I moved to other city and I wanted to stock broker. It is interesting I never thought that I should earn money for my self but I was attracted by something and I did not see a purpose. I started work for company as to help more with paperwork but I did an exam and I received license of stock broker. I saw that people who were there studied university and I remembered a fun from the time of university and I started university.
In the city I lived only in rented rooms, it was always that I thought that somebody will care for me. Despite I worked I earned money I thought that somebody will love me and if somebody loves he will do everything for me and he will give me money.
To be honest I have sometimes the idea still but I feel that it is really about my self-esteem that I can not be dependant to somebody.

and from the time I still live only in rent room and I am missing family.

I am tired, more tomorrow

You should find writer and publisher for your story. It is so interesting, and you are such a good storyteller.

I thank you for your comment seems for me funny. It is my crazy life, I am not a good storyteller. But what is true that it is my work to look at my life. I never did it before and sometimes it is not easy to go to my feeling. Sometimes it is very painful. I know that I need it.

Yes I worked and it made me false self-esteem. I work as stockbrooker, but it was more as to know how to do make order to stock exchange how to do other paperwork, to go some meetings. But not real hard work and at school I did excuse that I work. Other boys wanted to recieve more money and I did not want it. Even I had an offer at work that I will do a manager but I did not want it. I was scared. I did not feel support from my bosses, it was that I was in work. I did not have any with whom I could talk about it. It seems for me still same, I do not have somebody with whom I sort my problems. I feel alone.

Yes exactly I did not do in my life to share information with somebody to talk. Maybe because my parents were not interested about me and after I did not talk.
Something basic to talk with somebody about his crazy boss or about good choice of shoes. I did not do it all my life. Or maybe I tried to do it but with people who were not suitable for it. Told my classmate that my mother wanted to do suicide during night and she told my why she came home. I try to talk with my ex-huband that my father try to sexually abuse me but he did not react and after I kept quit. I told my mother that I hate her and she told me that it does not a matter. I told my an boyfriend that I scared to ask about something to my employer and he laughed.
I tried to talk with one friend and he was not interested about me but about money.
I talked with a guy on forum and he tried to do my therapist and despite I told him that how is talking with me is hurting he argued that it is helpful for me.

I talk today with Morreta about my boss and was nice for me. I would like to have somebody with whom I can talk and feel love from him or her

Mediator, maybe these people aren't good listeners because you are choosing people who are like this? We tend to do this when we have low self worth. We chose people who really don't "look" at us because when we have low self worth it is painful for people to look at us. Choosing these people, however, might be less painful for our low self worth but more painful for our needs for intimacy. You can work through this by working on your low self worth and seeking out people who can be intimate and then working through the pain of allowing intimacy.

Thank you Sannah.

Yes I was scared to do it and I look for an encouragement at wrong place. I am just going back to my looking for life. The previous manager was gone and they look for somebody new one, I was there, they were supprised that I told to boss no to his offer. To be honest it was in time of creating capital market in the Czech Republic. It was a time when new laws were issues and there were chasing people. I stayed there and somebody other came there. I studied school and did somehing more as an administrator than stock brooker.

To be honest about my work of stockbroker, it was really that I did something from me which I was not. Now I know that I have to earn money for myself and that what I want is to teach meditation to help people their problems. My parents feed me and gave a roof for 19 years and I am thankful for it. They abused me so I do not go to grave of father and I do not let my mother to give me her selfish hugs or contact me. I miss my death ex-husband who gave me feeling that I am not alone, I felt always that he helps if I need it. I wanted to show him that I can be not dependant on him I wanted to be a good person to receive his respect. He was upset that I am fat, that I bite my nails, that I do not care about a mode of my cloth. After his death I was devastated, it was after finish of my first university and it was for me that something was broken, I did not understand world. It was not depression* it was more something as to waking up. Nobody who cares about me. I took my holiday and I went to Tunisia, it was my first holiday in my life.
We did not go with my ex-husband to holiday. At my second university I took holiday to study. It was nice for me and of course a crazy love to somebody who wants to go from Tunisia to Europe. I did not have experience of life in the world. If you remember I lived in communist country and I could not understand it. I felt in love, I admire his strength which is not for me strength now. But I have really first time in life relax, beach, travelling in desert, playing petangue, he was poor but he took by his bike to nice places.
He wrote each other but for me it went gone, but I remember that I had to have a suspicious about him that he is not a good for me. I knew I was on beach and he thought that I did not see me and he showed at me and he laughed at me. I thought he laughed that I am thin but it could be that he catch somebody with possibility to move to Europe.
O god I was stupid.



*I remember I think I had a depression during my 26 year. It was that I had job in company which I did not like it. I did not have love and I thought that I have AIDS because I had a lot of illnesses. I always thought if I will need a swimming costume for next year, maybe I will be death. It was that I was a robot to go to work to go sleep. To cook something on weekend. I remember that I was only with contact if I was burnt by cigarettes accidentally. I did not talk with nobody about that I think that I have AIDS, I had a married friend from Asia country on my first university and it could be that he had AIDS.A doctor did for me test despite I did not agreed
with it but it was easy forbidden because my test was negative.

I will write a little more about my ex-husband. It is really messy. I wanted to have his love, I tried to make him to love me, he died, I was disappointed, I thought that it was my fault how he died. I still have a problem that he died because I was not ready to have an adult relationship. He died alone with a psychological problem. He needed a help and there was not there for him. Sister in law told me that he started to go to therapy. In the time which he died I wanted to go live to the UK. I went there for holiday and I met people who were kind, there was sea and a lot of staff in shops. I could not imgine that Belly will to there with me, he was always lazy.
There is really combination for me that it was for me very tragically. I was dependant on him, I waited his approval of my life. I was not adult to have approval of myself, I did not have friends. He died and I believe he will not die if he has friends around or me. Sometimes I had thoughts that it was me who kill him. His death is without explanation despite he had an autopsy.

About three months ago I had an argue and I was scared go out from relantionship that he will die without help. I sent him e-mail that if need a help he can ask me. He replied upset that he will ask his good friends and even he wrote about me that I wrote him e-mail despite he wrote that he will not reply to me in future, he commented it that I was emotional unstable.

I called Belly despite his last message was that I should not just come and go to him. I sent him messge that he should me let me know if he changed his mind. But it was too late, it the time he was death alone in flat. Neighbours calls sister that there is a smell in hall. His body was getting

I want that he lives, I do not know what to do with the wish. I know that he will not live maybe I can do something by his name what he should make him happy. He likes dash dogs, maybe I can do a will to his nephew and niece, no I will do anything that he could be proud about me despite he is dead??????????

I can see how you would still be in distress about this.

You are right Sannah. I did not go through it enough and now it is going out. I remember that I went to forest to have possibility to shout very loudly after my husband died. But I did not shout.

Today i thought about my feeling of guilty to his dead. Before I did not understand people that they do not want to do or they do something because their parents want it. Adult children thank for many things and they do not want to damage their life because they feel responsibility to parents because they received a lot from parents they owe their parents to look after them self. If is something like that we live for our parents, I started to think that i feel same to my ex-husband he paid for my inability to live wit somebody and care about each other.
I heard somewhere that to be adult somebody other has to like you first of all or that everybody is always looking for approval his her behaviour to parents. I think he become for me the person. I feel I am guilty about that my ex-husband died alone without job and with psychological problems. I was not able to have adult relationship and was not able to help him, so now what I can do to behave as an adult that it will not happened again and I want to teach meditation to help people who has psychological problems.

I am really very much sorry. I remember last I was in his flat, I thought I want to have somebody to who I can come any time and any time to go out. Really selfish child who does not think about the others. He had to feel it and therefore he sent me the txt message that i should not just drop in.

I am sad tha he died.

When he looked after his parents, he started to have problem that he did not want to see his friend and he did not want to go out. He wanted go with me to walk when I came to them. I was the person who wanted to go for walk before and he did not want. He had dark glasses that people did not recognize him and he laugh that he asked me for going for a walk. We went together and when started to be dark he wanted to go back.

Other things which I remember it was during our marriage he was diagnosed diabetes, he had use insulin. He was scared. I did not have any sympathy for him. I told that he should not to be self pity. But it is not that I liked him and I did not like him. It is about that I was not able compassion. I have this now, meditation and my experience changed me.

IWhen my ex-husband died I start to think that in the Czech Republic are not people who are really rich and I would like to go to the Uk, I think it was one from my main reasons, financial group which I worked was getting to close and I should look for other work. I was in other company which I choose because there were going to sell what was something which attracted. I worked as stock broker but after I worked in same financial group but for mergers and acquisitions. It was for me something what there are doing the best salesman. To sell companies sounded for me wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But as I wrote that right salesman think about earn money but I was as a child to see only how things look outside.

But I was burned by my life. I always was going to something to reach but in the year which my ex-husband died I did not do anything, just work and go sleep, but I thought to go to the Uk could be fine. I wanted to do PHd of economics and I met a teacher with two children, she got a job in the UK and she look for somebody who will help her with her children.
My job was crazy there was more problems and I thought that I will go to the Uk to learn English, she will help me with my English and preparing to my Phd.

Maybe I should write about my one teacher from my second uni. I like if somebody helps to be the best, and it was one my teacher after I loved him, he was younger than me, I loved him platonic-ally. Something like an obsession, I look at his pages, what he wrote, etc.
To be honest I am too tired to understand it. It seems that I had one more the same relationship/one year ago. Something like love to therapist.

Today I wrote a post in bereavement posts. I feel that I was not able to grief for my ex-husband. I was only shocked when he died. Now I feel pain and lost.

It is good that your feelings are finally coming out. Good work!