Looking at my life

I put my advert at website and I have a respond, I talked with him by phone it was as he is somebody very old but when we met it was young guy and he was handsome and he was intelligent. He looked for sex but he had something which was attracted me and I did not know it before he had charisma. I was in love and after all as usually disappointed because I saw on him only what I wanted to see.
He was an orphan from Kashmir who studied in the Uk and he had a job in IT. I will give him name Kashmir. Kashmir was upsetting me sometimes from start. He wanted to teach me meditation but to be honest at the time I really did not do what he told. He was shautting at me that he still see that I am not relax. I could be relax with him anyway. But I was always surprise about something about him.
But the best story that I found Kashmir's website on internet, he wrote about politics, problems of Pandits, who were push from there country. He put pictures of girls to website and even I entered to his website to write a comment to his website but by other name. He has a motto Every day crash no doctor rush. After he put everyday a model on his website. I wrote that The road to hell is payment to the nice faces. He laughed at it. And in the end I realized that it was website of somebody other after a year of reading a blog the another had same name and he was from Kashmir as well.

Continue regarding a real Kashmir tomorrow

Sannah the green one is a good story for laughing

Kashmir was 25 but in some view more adult than me. He really cared about himself. Somebody who look to earn money and enjoy a life as well. I remember that I came to him and we went to walk to park and he wanted to go to talk to somebody who he saw one day before and who was without work and money just in park. I felt very well that I did something like it to care about somebody other. It was something as well that we did it together. We went to talk with some stranger in park. It was feeling of me of somebody very special. I felt about others who I met that they are people who do not care about others. That there are many people in world who suffer and that some people are selfish and that they do not help others without exception something from them. It was in time when I was swam every morning and cycle to work and it was I wake up.(Now it seems as Budha awaking, ha, ha, ha)and I had really some time that it was horrible to be with a people in my office. It was not about how they behave to me but they think only for them self and their family.
It is changing but something is still same I can feel it something amazing to care about the others without thinking to earn something.
I am not sure if it is something that I ridd of my responsibility for myself or why it is so attracted for me. I understand that I have to care about my self. Even I think that I really I want to move in my life that I want to live at nice sunny place with money. But I am always to recall the feeling to give my compassion to other.

I think it is a piece my problem a strong urge to forget my problems and to look after others. It something spiritual. But I think I am changing that I will a person responsible for myself. I live at unsuitable place for me with unsuitable people and unsuitable weather, unsuitable work for me.
I want to live at a nice sunny warm place and live there and earn by way that I am independent and happy with myself. Of course I would like to have a man with whom we love each other because in the end I will die but if I have love I think it does seems for me so horrible.

It seem today I more look at my today situation but I have more story to talk before it.
Continue tomorrow.

I absolutely admired Kashmir, who had an idea to do a maximum from his life. He seems that he has in idea every moment of his life. He once came to me to visit me. I was happy but after it did not finish nicely. As I told I feel that he makes from me somebody perfect. But the true is he wanted sex with me to enjoy his body, one from his theories. He came evening by train, I called him that I will come to pick him. He was not sure if he will come, he has always stories about his uncle. He was somebody who help him. He was an orphanage he did not know his parents.

I will wrote more about Kashmir's visit

I need to write about it. To see the reality. My back hurts from a sitting at computer.

The visit of Kashmir was disaster. It is horrible to write a true, he made me to look at myself, better what made me look at me was my childish admire him, and I was with bed with him and I like that he made me it by his finger and I did fight with him that I do want his penis of me and he did and I did not argue about it,he knew it but we fight about it. Even he was shouting if I felt it that he was inside of me.

I do not want it and again and I really do not want to let people to make a doormat from me. Maybe it is always about it.

it is horrible always wanted his love despite it.
The true is that I do to myself always and I do not want it and therefore I am here.

tomorrow, I think I have to breath first of all

yes I have to learn to like your self

So continue of writing.

Kashmir had something regarding good regarding looking for friends. He had really friends something like to look for same people to have friends. He had charisma. He wrote about his experience how to buy car to internet that other could learn it. He was a member of a IT forum where he was really helpful many people and sometimes was really open about forum. But when he was with me I was surprised that he was shy before me to see his ****. It was funny, I had a picture of somebody who has self-esteem and he was shy. I wanted that he will be somebody who will love me, that I was always who was who tried to be loved and I want change that he will love and he behave horrible to me.
Sometimes he shout at me and when he came to me he went around rooms and after to fridge that he told me that there is nothing. Even I cooked for me and I tried that it will be ok for me. He looked where he will go food and sex.
I was mad about him. I wanted finish to talk with him. I told him that I love him and that he does not love. I did not call him and I waited that he will call I love you. He told me that it is sad that we will not talk more that they are many types of relationship.

But something happend with me that I looked at my self I thought that I do not know why he should love me.

Exactly I looked at my self first time in my life and from the time, I struggle.
I lived in horrible rented room, without looking for somebody who will sort where I will live and what I will eat. Even I told Kashmir that I have many problems which I have to sort it that I was not surprised that he did not love. But it was my first problem that I did not believe that I should change myself to be loved.

Maybe that basic is the problem with my relationship with myself. I am upset many things which I do to myself sometimes I am not upset because the food consumption to cover it. And generally that I do not know how to look after me to be satisfied with myself. Maybe it is what I really want to be satisfied with myself.

not today, tomorrow

I need to write. but it is 2am

Kashmir, he was a really something what makes in the beginning that I called him by phone if I supposed he liked it at the convinient timeand really appreciated if he called me. It was that I behaved that I felt nice about me. But I had him on a pedestal. We met each other about 5 times in our life. But I wanted to buy a flat together with him. It is amazing.
He always talk that his aim is something as enlightenment and it was something for me new. To be honest I tried to have a same aim of life. In some stage I did every Saturday a trip, sometimes just cycling but I want to enjoy it fully I wake early on weekends to free time for me. But I was struggling and still straggling how to earn money. Maybe I do not know it because I was born in country without market.

Kashmir a boy who had self-esteem, something what is not regarding a situation but about his attitude. Something very attractive for me and something missing for me. To be honest I start see more that I had a good time at Mauritius but I can not change being on holiday to do not be on holiday. It makes to look for something But I have to go back to writing about my life to see myself by myself to move on.

It is difficult to write for me that he raped me, difficult to feel the reality. So painful, it was that I want to be with him, just want to be with him and he wanted go back to his house, because he used to a contact lenses for correction of his eyes. And I left him go and wait him to call me. I think it is an emotional addiction. I was absolutely dependant on him if he want to talk with me to not to think to have somebody other. He had something what I start to have now ability to huge feeling of love. It is something what people get by meditation. I thought that nobody can love him as he is able to feel love. His poem so full of love to others.

not today writing

Wow, Mediator, you have had many different relationships in your life. You seem to be looking for yourself in others all the time. You cannot find yourself in some other person, you need to do that for you. It almost seems like you don't think you deserve very much. You do deserve more, you should find work again that is more rewarding for you and let yourself take care of you better. You cannot wait for someone else to give you value, you must do that on your own. I think you are beginning to realize that. You have had many journeys chronicled here and it is important that you look back and really take a look at you. Did you do the same thing all the time and expect the outcome to be different? Doing the same over and over will only give you the same outcome. So, how can you change that? That is something you have to work on. And your not alone in that, many people make the same mistakes over and over. But if you can begin to see yourself better and where you went wrong, it is the first step to seeing what you have to change.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes I think I started to give a value to myself if I see how many pages I wrote. I really appreciate your visit of my thread. If I do same mistakes again and again, I should change something. And I think it should be me.

You do have an interesting life. You do try hard. Many people often make the same mistakes over and over and expect different results, but by going over your life you are beginning to see things that you have not realized before. And that is a good beginning to planing changes that will make you realize to think about you first.
Open Eyes

I do not want to write but I need it.. oh my god help me please, I forget I am atheist.

ok I had a crazy relationship with Kashmir. I saw that he visited a Isle of Mull in the Uk, and I went there as well. It is about I tried enjoy my life I was catched by beuty of cycling in huge open space. I made a trip on boat to look for whales. Of course we did not see whales, but I was the first one who saw a dolphin.
I thought that I live alone as he lives, something that I live alone but it is not alone. But the truth is that he was able always to find the friends. The boy who had go really by hard time. I asked him once that has to be difficult for him to be alone. He told me that he had problems that he wanted to touched. Sometimes I think if it is true that he was orphanage. But did not want to call to him, he called me after I wanted to call him and he did not call me. Now I do call him and he does not call me. Sometimes I look if I find him on internet somewhere, facebook. but I do not think that he will call me or send me any message.

but after I want to do something I started eat healthy food and to do a lot of exercise but I did not know how to earn money. a big issue of my life.

Your trying very hard Mediator. And you have also had some very nice supportive posts. Change comes slowly. You have had a lot of life experiences. Maybe you SHOULD write a book about them.

Keep trying, it is really all any of us can do. I am not a perfect person either, I try hard too, so your not alone.

Open Eyes

thanks open eyes