[googley]

It picks away at my self-esteem. Their words flow through my brain. If the ones who are supposed to love me, hate me, how will anyone else ever love me? When they would have rather I had been dead. Sometimes I wonder if they were right.

I feel so ignored and unloved. They never helped me. Ever. Then they blamed me and told me everything was my fault. It was my fault they told me I was better off dead. I was the one who made them say that. It was my fault they yelled and screamed at me. I was supposed to keep them from being mad. Even when they would just start yelling at me while I was eating my after school snack.

I don't know how to feel better. I feel so disgusting. I feel like I should curl up in a ball and hide from the world.

Why wont this pain go away? Why can't I just cut them off? Why do I keep going back?

[boston_girl]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, and I know how painful it can be to feel unloved and alone. I'm assuming you're talking about your family. It's hard to break away from family even when it's an abusive family. Do you have other people you feeling connected to? Did something happen recently?

[Can't Stop Crying]

It was never your fault! They were wrong - you would not be better off dead. I'm sorry it hurts so much...I really do understand. I wish I had something wise and comforting to say. I don't have many words right now - I just want to make sure you know it was never, ever your fault and you deserved so much more.

[Purple Heart]

Hi

My family is similar to yours. Emotionally abusive and manipulative. And you feel your responsible when you try to be yourself or discuss problems in the family. You become the scapegoat. It's better from my experience to go your own way and make your friends your family. Therapy helps too.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( googley ))))

I can relate to feeling the blame for things that happened...but I am slowly trying to understand that I was not the one that MADE them do what they did. They CHOSE to do what they did....It's so hard not to feel responsible for it. If we had done something differently or tried harder, they wouldn't have been set off....But at the same time, what way is that for a child to live? We shouldn't have had to walk on eggshells....It's not fair....

[googley]

Thank you everyone for your replies. They make me feel less alone and less screwed up. I'm sorry that you guys also experienced the same thing.

[Mediator]

Hi Googley, therefore we are here that we are experienced same things and after all we can understand each other.

[Lauru]

It is them who are bad and wrong and sick for not loving you. If they can't love their own family, then I pity them. The best way to break from them is to learn to love yourself. You deserve it, you really do. They are the ones that are messed up, NOT you.

[Sannah]

These things need to be let out in therapy so that you can release them.

[Bill3]

If the ones who are supposed to love me, hate me, how will anyone else ever love me?

I'm really sorry that your parents are so messed up that they do not give you the genuine love that they should and that you deserve, that every child deserves from parents.

It might feel like it's your fault, but it isn't. They are at fault, not you. You do not deserve the way they treat you, the way they speak to you.

And, you did not make them speak to you thus. They made their own choice, out of their own messedupness. Their choices, their responsibility.

***

A young child often blames herself because it is too hard, too dangerous for the child to understand that her parents are doing bad things. That is often how the habit of self-blame begins in a child, the insidious habit of listening in your mind to their verbal abuse.

A child might keep going back to them in the hopes of finally getting their approval. The child might believe that if she can finally get their approval, then she can stop believing that she herself is bad; she can stop blaming herself.

However: remember that you cannot change them, you can't change their messedupness. Only they can change themselves. You can only make your own choices, to do what is best and safest for you. Like you did when you posted about visiting over Christmas. You did a good job on that visit!