[Nameless1]

Hello,

I don't know why this is so hard to talk about. Shame, guilt and the fact that I was taught to keep it a secret and have done so up until this point in time.

After keeping a secret for so long, how do you go about telling about it. It feels like I am breaking this carnal sin and this impending feeling of doom looms over me because I am 'breaking this secret'.

I remember always being told that if anyone every found out my life would be ruined, people would view me as a person of 'suspect character; with you got what you deserved.

So I marched on through life doing everything that was expected of me. Once that was accomplished, I began acting out in great rebellion and with anger.

I know that ultimately I had a choice, and am responsible for what happened. That other children faced with the same set of circumstances made different choices...

But inside of me, I feel that my parent especially my Mom, had a parental responsibility which she refuses to acknowledge to this day.

We just had a conversation about this very topic less than 4 days ago because it is still a deep hurt in me that rears its ugly head every so often.

I found myself crying like a child... and just telling her, why wont you accept the fact that you did not take responsibility as a parent to protect me before during or after?

I felt that her responsibility ended where mine began. I accept that... but I was 13 and she was 38.

Her response was she trusted me and I should have known better... and never accepted her role as a parent to protect the child even after the fact!

I acknowledge that maybe in the beginning you don't know what is going on as a parent but once you do,,, and after the event you have a responsibility to protect your child from her molester...

Instead they felt that he was the innocent victim in all of this, that I as a 13 year old, was the one to 'bring it on with my behavior' although he was a 28 year old relative. They made it plainly clear throughout my life until the day he died.

They continued to invite him to the home, entertain him, share the dinner table with him... again up until the day he died (when he was 56 years old!)

My punishment was to be sent off to a boarding school outside of the United states and to be forever viewed as the one who lured him on.

I tried to explain to my mother that a 13 year old just does not have the maturity that he did or that a parent has... she refuses to accept that and we end up at the same old spot: I should have known better they didn't raise me like that, I betrayed their trust ... and that it was wrong for me to sneak around out of the house with this man. They forget that 'this man' came to pick me up at the house... how convenient.

I don't know why it is rearing its ugly head up you would think that after 39 years this bone would be long buried and gone... but some how every once in a while... I dig it up... and that bothers me too...

Why am I digging it up so late in the game of life?

I know that it became a part of the foundation that lead to several abusive relationships there after and perhaps that is why I need to start at the point of origin so I can reconcile and define the patterns I have developed.

These patters are consistently leading me into abusive relationships... the last nearly cost me my life.

Now I fear interacting or trusting people in any way shape or form. Hence why I am choosing this forum.

I hope to find recovery... and ultimately healthy alternatives or methods for bringing closure so I can have the next half of my life and live it in a balanced manner.

Kind regards
The Nameless One

[phoenix7]

your parents are supposed to love and protect you not harm you and that is wht she did bynot believing you

there comes a time when you need to accept that they never will admit to any responsibility because of their damage

YOU were not the one at fault - YOU are not the one who should bear the shame - you were a child - innocent - he was a man

A man may have these urges because of past experiences but a MAN does not act on them - a predator does

how do you talk about this when you have been sworn to secrecy? when you have maybe been told you wil go straight to hell if you do tell.. sigh

you do it because you need to heal

you force the words out one by one, kicking and screaming inside , hiding in the deepest part of you because you know it wil bring pain .. but after the pain comes the healing - it cycles - somtimes we seek what we know - abuse - intentionaly or unintentionaly (here i mean me )

you deserve better

you deserve to be loved the right way

you dig up the bone because somthing reminds you - and until it is laid properly to rest it continues to be there

I hoipe you can find a good therapist to help you

i wish you well

remember YOU ARE WORTHWHILE AND DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

wiht kind thoughts

P7

[Nameless1]

Thank you for your reply. I don't even know what type of therapist to look for.

And then trust is the biggest hurdle to over come.

Maybe it is wrong of me, but I am hoping that if I can ultimately reach a point where I unleash what is inside of me... that perhaps I can find peace by using just this forum.

A therapist... humm that is a huge leap. Coming to this site was also a huge leap... not sure I am ready to take another huge leap until I get 'settled' on this mountain top that I now find myself.

Don't know if that makes sense.

I must say just receiving even a word of validation from you brings a small grain of hope to me. Thank you phoenix7 for sharing your insight.

Kind Regards
The Nameless One

[Sannah]

Hi Nameless, welcome to PC. If my daughter came to me and told me this, that perpetrator better go into hiding because besides going to the police, since this is a crime and this is statutory rape because a child cannot consent to sex, I would unleash my anger on this man and if he ever came near my daughter he would be lucky I wouldn't hurt him.

Your mom was probably a victim of sexual abuse because these are the mothers who don't protect their daughters. (Not all women who were victims fail to protect their daughters but the women who fail to protect their daughters were most likely victims themselves). Because they haven't dealt with their own abuse it sort of like blinds them to the issue and protecting their daughters.

I'm glad that you found us here!

[Nameless1]

I would feel horrible if that is the case with my mother. And sad that she could not empathize with her own flesh and blood. I am so glad to see that there are mothers out there that would take a stand. You can not imagine how critical it is to the victim of the abuse.

Thank you for your insight.