[Sillystring1]

I recently spoke to my T about being sexually abused as a child by other children at school. I've never spoken to anyone about it and even though i was able to say that it had happen during a therapy session i fairly quickly skipped over it onto something else. My T said that we have to take this slowly as she doesnt want me to be re-traumatised. I understand that and i'm very grateful that she is so sensitive. However i dont know how to delve deeper into this issue. We are now going to look at my shame/anger loop and i'm thoroughly expecting the abuse to come up in these sessions. T says that if i feel able to it may be useful to talk about the abuse in detail. My gut reaction was wanting to vomit and to run screaming from the room. I know i will ultimately do what is right for me with her support. I just wondered if anyone on here had had this experience and if so found it a useful process and if so do you have any thoughts/advice?
Thanks for taking the time to read this

[jwabf]

I totally relate to the wanting to run and feeling like I was going to throw up. The sad thing is that the abused child that you "were" is still living in those emotions .. trapped in a way, until you are strong enough to talk about it and convince your child self that (s)/he is safe now. I even had to do a visualisation and go back to my childhood and invite my 4 year old to leave and come with me. She took my hand eventually. It took a few tries. And I probably have to do it again with a younger child.

My thought is to listen to your insides, guts, intuition...whatever you want to call it. There is a part of you that will be able to tell you if you are going too fast or if you are ready to talk about it. You might consider non-dominant hand writing and ask yourself if you want to talk about it and see how you respond. If you afre not familiar with inner child work this might seem crazy, but it is extremely productive. You might try drawing the abuse scene or just colors representing your feelings about it, or writing words...like word association...just let the random words come and include anything...words which name feelings, sights, sounds, smells anything that comes to you associated with the event. This all might be a more gentle entrance into describing the abuse.

And if you sense it is too much, make sure you have some good "grounding" skills and "containment" processes that you can use to put it aside safely. Ask your therapist about these terms if you are not familiar with them.

Sorry if this is to much at once.

[jazzy123456]

I would suggest having some outside support when you KNOW its going to be a tough session, or you know before hand you have an "assignment" about your trauma... or if things do get increasingly difficult when discussing it...

My biggest issue was... I spilled out all my trauma in full detail..left therapy...and went home and isolated myself...allowing all of my feelings to escalate.... not intentionally but, clinical depression curves your natural instincts and you rather isolate sometimes then spend time with people.

Nevertheless, even if you spend time with a friend, right after therapy, or a couple of hours after, I even recommend RIGHT AFTER, it is sooo soo helpful. Even if you all do something and never speak a word of the session, it is still soo helpful, sometimes even MORE helpful because this allows you to reconnect with the realness/realities of your present life and remember that the trauma is over and you are stronger and older now. I started going to lunch or shopping right after my therapy.. not to say later on I couldn't reflect on it... but, your brain needs a mental "rest" from all of that sharing/deep rooted problem solving. We're all, only human.

The other thing I would recommend, is do not try to please your therapist. Go at a pace YOU feel is best, and if you feel it is too much or you need a break you need to stop...

I didn't know when or how to stop, I just kept going and going and escalating all my feelings... which wasn't good...
So, in some ways, it is good to hear the opinion of your therapist, .. like you said above your therapist realized that this was a sensitive topic for you and wants to take time to help you get through it.

This is valid as well, so if you and your T come to agreements about discussing trauma this can be good too.
I gave you both viewpoints, letting the client know when to stop and letting a T tell you when to stop, because it really depends on who the person is who is receiving the therapy and who the therapist is. You both have to come to agreements, so I'd just recommend that you not be afraid to figure out what those agreements are while you work through everything.

Or mainly, having that outside support, a relative, or something, anything that you plan/schedule to do right after therapy, you plan it ahead of time, not last minute. And everyones different, so maybe right after therapy you will be too upset or full of emotion,.. Well, then you should plan ahead of time, for the day after therapy..etc.etc...whatever you are comfortable with.

Thats my two cents.. from someone who has yes, experienced CSAbuse ( once by a child and once at school like you) and from someone who went through therapy, discussing my own trauma in session.

[Sillystring1]

thankyou so much jwabf and jazzy123456 for your replies. I do a lot of writing, word association inbetween sessions to try and make sense of whatever i have covered in session. But havent ever done it regarding the abuse so i think i will give that a go. Thanx jwabf for that info! I've always resisted inner child work not really sure why but i think i've just linked the resistance to not wanting to think about the abuse.
And Jazzy thanx for reaffirming getting support after sessions. I try to make sure i have something planned after each session just incase. I think i am worried about what will happen to me after these sessions because like you i have a tendency to isolate because i dont want people to see how vulnerable i am or to weigh them down with my emotions. I'm very lucky to have such a supportive and compassionate T so i'm not worried about being rushed or retraumatised. Guess its fear of what i will actually have to look at and discover thats worrying me.
Anyway thanx for listening.

[autumnleaves]

I can completely relate to your experience of being abused by other children. My abuser is my older sister by 6 years. I can also relate to the feeling of wanting to run away and vomit. I can tell you, though, that it has so far helped me tremendously to work through this abuse. I could never have imagined how much it has affected my development and my characteristics/ personality as an adult. I will keep you in my thoughts. You are very brave for being willing to wade through such murky, treacherous water.

[Sillystring1]

thanx for taking the time to read my post.
I am so lucky to have a supportive and compassionate T so I'm not worried about working through this with her. I guess I'm worried about what i will uncover that i havent thought about for nearly 20 years. Inner child work has always frightened me and i am just making the connection between that resistance and the childhood abuse.
I write a lot of stuff down inbetween sessions... word association, mind mapping that kind of thing but have never done it regarding the abuse. Maybe thats something i need to think about and try.
I always try to make sure i have somewhere to be after a session so try and get my head out of "that space"!
Thankyou for your words of encouragement and support Jazzy123456, jwabf and autumnleaves. I feel less crazy now!

[Sillystring1]

sorry for the double post! forgot about the delay for moderator to allow msg to come through!

[Open Eyes]

Sillystring1,

Personally I don't think that it is always necessary to force yourself to remember and re-enact the acts. Unless these are coming out to you in your dreams or flashbacks etc. I don't see a reason to try to view every detail and relate it to the T. This is just my personal opinion but I really question the act of reliving a trauma and focusing on it in great detail.

What is more important is to focus on that child instead and realize the age of that child. For me I work with children and I have looked at children that are at the age that I was and it made me realize how little I was and how unknowing I was. Some people feel guilty inside and have self hatred or self punishment or shame and they really need to think about the fact that young children just do not understand that type of situation like you do now looking back. And it is amazing to me how much people punish themselves because as a child they got involved in an activity that has such a label on it. And some people cut themselves and punish themselves so much and they allow it to run or ruin their lives. And if there was any kind of innocent pleasure involved they find it repulsive and they just don't want to recognize it as they see it with a tremendous amount of guilt.

So I have remind you that YOU WERE JUST A CHILD and no matter what happened you were not prepared to understand it at that age. It is natural for children to explore their bodies and they do discover that something happens when they do certain things. But when they are young they don't really understand what it means and they don't view it the way adults do at all.

So when you are looking back you have to look at the age and was it another child involved and so on. And the whole purpose is to look at you as a child and realize that you just did not understand and it frightened you. BUT YOU WERE NOT A BAD CHILD and depending on who else was involved, if it was another child, remember, it was another child.

So what your real goal by looking back is to know you cant change it and you are going to realize that is was scary and confusing but that inner child was just a child and is in need of comforting and self acceptance from (YOU) THE ADULT. So what you have to think about is if a child that age came to you, HOW WOULD YOU COMFORT IT AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? Now really think about that, would you yell and hate that child? Or, would you sit and talk to that child and hug that child and say to that child, I am so sorry, but you are ok, I am here and it was not your fault." After all your just a little child and you didn't know any better."

That is your goal Sillystring1, not to be that child again, but to go and comfort that child and let that child be loved and know that it was not that childs fault. And once you do that, you can be an adult and have a life and even make love on a more accepting level because it really does not involve that child, that child was comforted and forgiven and loved.

So feeling sick to your stomach and running and all of that. You are the adult now, all those feelings are what that child feels. So you need to be strong and think about that. Picture the real child that was you and how that child needs to be comforted and released from those feelings of being frightened and confused and feeling something terribly wrong. "Little Jimmy pushed me when I was on the swing, child crying, I fell and scraped my knee and why did he do that? sob, sniffle short breaths of fear." That what you are addressing, not in that exact way but you are walking up to that child and that child is frightened, put the child in front of you and COMFORT IT AND KNEEL DOWN AND HUG THAT CHILD. You would do that for another child wouldnt you? Sure you would. So that is what you need to do for that child that was you.

Things happen in our lives that we do not understand. And we tend to carry the pain and guilt and feel it necessary to be embarrassed or angry and blame ourselves or carry these events and let the feelings of these events be part of everything we feel now. And it is up to us to address it and recognize that it did happen and at the time we didn't really understand it and we were overcome by it. But that doesn't mean that it has to keep happening or we are damaged or we cant allow ourselves to enjoy activities that may have been involved in that event.

Actually, it is much like falling off a horse and getting shook up and stopping and thinking about if that is the end of experiencing a horse OR are you going to climb back on and be even more determined to ride a horse? I have dealt with this and been there with children and encouraged them to get back on (I myself was thrown many times, and got back on, I was stubborn and just worked on hanging on better) . Most of the children got over it and COMANDED IT and we worked together to learn how NOT TO LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN but to also realize that we got through it and did not let it stop us from learning how to ride and enjoy and command a horse.

And that is what LIFE is all about. Are you going to let that experience STOP LIFE? No, you are going to comfort that child and then YOU ARE GOING TO EXPERIENCE LIFE AND LEARN TO ENJOY IT, EVERY PART OF IT, INCLUDING ALLOWING YOURSELF TO ENJOY LOVE and everything that love entails AS A STRONG ADULT. YOU have to be the adult now YOU have to take charge of YOU. So you have to be stubborn and determined and tell yourself, I AM AN (ADULT), I CAN AND WILL ENJOY AND EXPERIENCE MY LIFE.


Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

The important thing to remember about being a child victim of SA or even a teen etc.

A secret happened because of a child not understanding a situation that made that child feel uncomfortable. A secret kept often for many years. So, in effect that child or even teen was never addressed or comforted. There was no one there that knew and sat with that child and talked it out and gave that child a reason and that it would be ok and they could get on with their life.

That is what YOU are NOW GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO ADDRESS THAT CHILD AND THAT SECRET. And you are GOING TO DO IT AS A STRONG ADULT. If you came across this in your own child what would you do? You would make sure that child was loved and appreciated and you would take time to encourage that child to BECOME STRONG AND CARRY ON AND YOU WOULD BE THERE TO HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN. Well, that is what you are doing NOW.

One of the best things for therapy is to be around children, perhaps donate time to the library and read to small children. Read out loud and pick out books about strories that bring strength and charector to an animal or child or charector in a story. Address children as a caring knowing adult. It is good for the soul and you will realize that children are unknowing and they need strong adults to comfort them and help build self esteem. And somewhere you didn't get that and you needed to get that. That is your goal now, becoming a strong person and guiding that child in you and making sure it is comforted and GETS TO EXPERIENCE LIFE, even though something bad happened. You can help that child mourn the experience and also help it MOVE ON. YOU CAN BE THAT STRONG ADULT.

It is not about BECOMING THAT CHILD, it is about ADDRESSING THAT CHILD. Keep that first and foremost.

Open Eyes

[Perna]

I often found that talking about the hard stuff with my T, that closed loop going on in my head was broken so that the reinforcement of what I thought I knew, felt, experienced, etc. stopped and I was able to get a "larger" view of things.

When we're children, we only have X number of years experience and so there's not much total and any "bad" experiences take up a much larger place in our psyche. I think of it kind of like how "fast" time goes the older you get; when you are 5, each summer is 1/5th of your summer experience but when you're 50, summer is 1/50th.

Also, the experience is static, as a experience I have at 7-8 say, doesn't "grow" with me even though I get older. Too, an "abnormal" experience like sexual abuse can't really get corrected as a child because it shouldn't be there in the first place so "better" experiences can't dilute it (like having a bad summer experience and then 20 good ones might). One's 7-8 year old self/memories get locked in.

Talking to someone one trusts and who listens and responds well can unlock that hold the memories may have on us.

[jwabf]

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

I would suggest having some outside support when you KNOW its going to be a tough session, or you know before hand you have an "assignment" about your trauma... or if things do get increasingly difficult when discussing it...

My biggest issue was... I spilled out all my trauma in full detail..left therapy...and went home and isolated myself...allowing all of my feelings to escalate.... not intentionally but, clinical depression curves your natural instincts and you rather isolate sometimes then spend time with people.

Nevertheless, even if you spend time with a friend, right after therapy, or a couple of hours after, I even recommend RIGHT AFTER, it is sooo soo helpful. Even if you all do something and never speak a word of the session, it is still soo helpful, sometimes even MORE helpful because this allows you to reconnect with the realness/realities of your present life and remember that the trauma is over and you are stronger and older now. I started going to lunch or shopping right after my therapy.. not to say later on I couldn't reflect on it... but, your brain needs a mental "rest" from all of that sharing/deep rooted problem solving. We're all, only human.

The other thing I would recommend, is do not try to please your therapist. Go at a pace YOU feel is best, and if you feel it is too much or you need a break you need to stop...

I didn't know when or how to stop, I just kept going and going and escalating all my feelings... which wasn't good...
So, in some ways, it is good to hear the opinion of your therapist, .. like you said above your therapist realized that this was a sensitive topic for you and wants to take time to help you get through it.

This is valid as well, so if you and your T come to agreements about discussing trauma this can be good too.
I gave you both viewpoints, letting the client know when to stop and letting a T tell you when to stop, because it really depends on who the person is who is receiving the therapy and who the therapist is. You both have to come to agreements, so I'd just recommend that you not be afraid to figure out what those agreements are while you work through everything.

Or mainly, having that outside support, a relative, or something, anything that you plan/schedule to do right after therapy, you plan it ahead of time, not last minute. And everyones different, so maybe right after therapy you will be too upset or full of emotion,.. Well, then you should plan ahead of time, for the day after therapy..etc.etc...whatever you are comfortable with.

Thats my two cents.. from someone who has yes, experienced CSAbuse ( once by a child and once at school like you) and from someone who went through therapy, discussing my own trauma in session.

This is such excellent advice, and something I had not concretely ever thought about...planning support for after therapy. What a great idea jazzy. And also being aware that you don't knwo when to stop...sounds like you have done some great work in this area already. Way to go.

[Open Eyes]

Well I do agree with Perna and she has a very good way of looking at things, always enjoy your imput Perna.

That is also a good way to look at it and how a therapist helps you break it down and instead of making it larger than it was, as Perna lays out the fractions in years and locked in perceptions, you see the real demensions of it. Perna is right about how it doesn't grow with us, but it can magnify as we grow and understand life better.

So Perna's approach is another good way to look at it where in therapy you are assisted in minimizing it to just a fraction of your life. Very interesting Perna, I think I will take some of that for myself.

I also think that is a very healthy way to work on PTSD as for some reason one event can bring many events together. So your method of fractioning things out can help by psychologically addressing it that way.

And I do agree with Jazzy about that support system or person, if you have someone that can take that role on.

But don't forget, HELLO, you also have PC. As you can see here there is a lot of supportive people who can address you if you need extra strength and support.
So, in a way you have a good support team of others that really understand the experience and help when you have a difficult time addressing it.

So, if you don't have someone to be there you can always come here and even plan on coming here after your appointment for support. Remember that we are here for you when you need it.

Open Eyes

[Sillystring1]

Well thankyou all for your words and advice. I had a T session today but i kind of just skirted around the issue of abuse. Instead i worked on shame and anger and how they are connected. But i know that T was waiting for me to talk about the abuse. She never pushes or rushes but she was asking me about where i thought the shame stemmed from and how childhood experiences can be brought forward into adult life.
I've never felt angry towards the abusers because deep down i've always felt that they were only children themselves. But now as an adult i'm realising that if I knew what they were doing was wrong then they more than likely knew what they were doing was wrong. And perhaps now i'm beginning to feel some anger as an adult which i have to express in order to move on and forgive the whole experience. I was resisting talking about it today so i know i'm not quite ready to deal with it as yet but i know its moving forward and closer to leaving my lips which i think is a good thing. I left the session feeling positive about the work we had done together today.I have a few days break now until next session so maybe something will link up in my mind and new ground will be broken.

[Open Eyes]

Well thats good Sillystring1 you are moving at your own pace and you are thinking about some very important aspects of your past and thats really good. You may not be rolling it off your lips in a session but you are thinking about it in your mind as you are approaching how that will roll off your lips. That is very good because when it does roll off your lips you will have a better idea of what you DO need to work on to get past it.

And keep your thoughts that you express here and any other thoughts you have should be chronicled in a private notebook. Part of therapy is YOUR OWN WORK on YOUR OWN. That is important to understand, it is more about how you learn to look at your past and come to terms with all the emotions and questions revolving around it. Taking your time is PART OF YOUR PROCESS and there is NO REAL PRESSURE FOR ANYTHING to roll of those lips. YOU will know when the time is right, you have to think about what you really need to work on. What you have said here is very good.

Open Eyes

[woodruff473]

I was both, abused and the abuser as a child. I have never spoken to anyone about it before. I have an appointment with a T in about a week. I'm so screwed up in my head. I don't know where the world begins and I end. That doesn't even make sense. There are HUGE gaps of my childhood that I have no memory of. Of the memories I do have from my childhood they're colored with severe confusion, and vividly traumatic events. I do not remember my mother/father ever being around. Where were they???? Why do I just block them out?

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by woodruff473

I was both, abused and the abuser as a child. I have never spoken to anyone about it before. I have an appointment with a T in about a week. I'm so screwed up in my head. I don't know where the world begins and I end. That doesn't even make sense. There are HUGE gaps of my childhood that I have no memory of. Of the memories I do have from my childhood they're colored with severe confusion, and vividly traumatic events. I do not remember my mother/father ever being around. Where were they???? Why do I just block them out?

I am sorry to hear you about your huge gaps in memory. I wish you to open it and after all to be more stronger

[jwabf]

Originally Posted by woodruff473

I was both, abused and the abuser as a child. I have never spoken to anyone about it before. I have an appointment with a T in about a week. I'm so screwed up in my head. I don't know where the world begins and I end. That doesn't even make sense. There are HUGE gaps of my childhood that I have no memory of. Of the memories I do have from my childhood they're colored with severe confusion, and vividly traumatic events. I do not remember my mother/father ever being around. Where were they???? Why do I just block them out?

This must be so hard to face. I commend you on your courage to write it here. Try to be fair on yourself: you were a victim and you were a child vicitmizer...the most important word in that phrase is child. Now you are an adult and facing the excrutiating journey of honesty and healing, but the good news is because you are no longer a child you can now be in control of your behavior and of your interaction with others. Loving yourself may seem an impossibility right now, so try to love the child you once were and who deserved so much more than you received. I wish you hope and healing on your journey.