[Typo]

I find I am falling back into denial, like I am working back to square one from where I was 3 years ago in admitting I am an abuse survivor. I have had a lot of really positive changes in my life recently, with moving, starting a new job, living with my boyfriend and finishing my associates degree and doing things to improve my health. In the midst of all this I find myself using it as a sugar coating to try and forget I was ever sexually abused as a child, to the point if I get triggered or if I try to start searching for therapist in the area I moved to, I find myself struggling with denial it happened. I start to tell myself I am a liar, that I must be wrong etc. It really scares me, and I am noticing that my anxiety is shooting up because of it and all the recent change in my life. I don't want to loose any progress I have made in accepting that I am a survivor and being able to talk about it. I still can't, it's like I am trying to repress it all again and using the positive changes in my life as an excuse to stuff it away. Has anyone dealt with this?

[my3sns]

I have done this or something similar so many times. And still find myself wanting to deny it all ,,, i guess hoping that it will just finally go away. Thinking about you.

[shezbut]

(((Typo)))

Yes, Typo, I've done that many times. Too many times

I hope that you are able to get through the cloud. I can remember a time, in which I was in my mid-20's: had a job, was going to school, and was with a good man. I did try hard to do my best, but those scary memories would pop into my head every couple of years. Scared the begeezers out of me every time! Just little flakes of the memories ~ and in came repression of the terror I felt inside.

In retrospect, it seems that whether we like it or not, that illness comes through one way or another. When I wasn't battling panic attacks, I was having seizures. When I wasn't having seizures, I was fighting major depression and isolation. Always something. I hated it ~ I hated that my life was so dramatic. But, that's the way it has always been.

I think that I am finally getting a hold of memories from my youth, but I am struggling (as usual ) in coming to terms with these things. Acceptance is VERY hard for me. I think that until I do accept, I will be feeling this emotional turmoil. And while I am very anxious for this turmoil to end, I don't know how to accept it. I just feel as though I can't. So, I'm stuck. I can't go back to repression, and I can't go forward to acceptance.

[jwabf]

Typo, I have definitely dealt with this over and over. I would imagine that the stressors of a new living arrangement and a new job would cause your energy to shift away from your psychological healing needs, after all we only have so much energy available. Trouble is, once we stop dealing with our issues and start stuffing our feelings they build up and will eventually come out in some way, most likely in some kind of self-harming way. And the more we stuff our feelings the more we will deny our own reality -- our own history of abuse.

Please get yourself a therapist. You deserve it! Your inner abused child deserves it.