[autumnleaves]

I had a therapy session yesterday (my second to last because my university's counseling center only offers 12 free sessions) in which I finally revealed that I was molested by my older sister when I was little. I feel like this pain is never going to stop. How can I have any hope for the future when all I've ever felt was shame, guilt, and self-hatred that has tainted everything good?

[autumnleaves]

Is there anyone out there who can offer some support?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I am sorry for your pain! It can get better! None of this was your fault. Hang in there okay? and keep posting!

[autumnleaves]

Thanks! Sometimes I feel like people don't understand why this is so hard for me or are unwilling to be supportive to me because it was my sister instead of a grown man or someone like that. All I know is that I am in a lot of pain right now and need help and support desperately whether I like it or not. It's discouraging to me that you're the only one to reply to my thread. I am afraid that people don't think my pain is valid. Sorry for the word vomit.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Abuse is abuse no matter who the perpetrator is! Your pain is very valid and I'm listening! Sometimes at PC it takes a little bit for people to get to know you before they start responding to your threads. It doesn't have anything to do with you...you matter! I'm sorry you feel discouraged, please give PC a chance and I think you will find the support you are looking for. I understand the pain of CSA...do you have any other options for therapy after this? Keep hanging in there, you are in my thoughts!

[Bill3]

I'm very sorry for what your sister did to you. I'm very sorry for the ongoing shame, self-hatred, and guilt.

Sexual abuse often brings those feelings of worthlessness, even though you, like any victim of sexual abuse, do not deserve them. In addition, you have to deal with the fact that your abuser was your sister, not a man. Sexual abuse is highly isolating as it is; then you add on the feeling of aloneness that comes from your sister, rather than a male, being your abuser. You must feel singled out for unusual abuse, and doubly worthless in thinking that there must have been a reason for you to be singled out. This isolation brings even more pain.

I'm so sorry that you have had to experience these things. You do not deserve them. Your pain is valid and I am very sorry for it.

I believe that you would feel compassion for another woman who was victimized as you describe. How possible is it for you to extend some of that compassion to yourself?

What does the rest of your family know about your experiences? Have they been supportive to you? Could there can be other ways to work on these issues over the summer? Will you return to your college in the fall? If so, does a new school year bring 12 more sessions, or is it 12 sessions for your whole career there?

I hope that you will keep posting here, and will find encouragement and support in your recovery.

[autumnleaves]

I so appreciate you guys! I feel terrible because I'm really needy right now and I HATE asking for help, but I am so thankful that there are people who understand to talk to. As far as other options for therapy, I think that there may be a sliding-scale community center in the city that I live in. In response to Bill3, I am currently trying to get to a place that I can begin to extend some forgiveness and mercy to myself as well as my sister. The situation is complex and I've only just scratched the surface in therapy. The rest of my family doesn't know about my experiences. In fact, I've never even discussed what happened with my sister. So, they're not supportive because they don't know. My parents know that I'm depressed and taking medication. I do return to college in the fall, but unfortunately, the 12 sessions are per calendar year, so I would not be eligible to receive counseling again until January 2012. Thank you so much for your encouragement!

[Bill3]

It sounds like you would have a lot of difficulty speaking with your parents about it. Do your parents have insurance? Perhaps they would permit you to go to therapy for depression? They could not find out exactly what is discussed in therapy if you are over 18.

In your last therapy session, perhaps your therapist can offer some ideas on how to proceed until you can therapy again at your school. Perhaps also consider listening hotlines, e.g. http://www.contact-usa.org/. These are often billed as crisis centers, but most handle noncrisis calls as well. They are not equivalent to therapy, but they can be a good, nonjudgmental resource as adjuncts to therapy or if therapy is not possible. I listen at one such hotline; we have quite a number of regular callers and we get to know them well.

Please keep posting here as well!

[Sannah]

Hi AL, welcome to PC. I'm sorry that that happened to you. Yes, it really does affect a person. It can be worked through in therapy. I'm so glad that you told your counselor. I really hope that you find another therapist. Please continue to keep us updated on how you are doing.

Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry. You are so brave to have talked about this and written about it. Its abuse and its wrong, no matter WHO did it to you. And it was never, ever your fault. I'm so sorry you were hurt . Your sister was SO wrong! I really really hope that you can find some extra help. It really is possible to not feel so bad, I promise... things will not always feel this shameful. The shame and the wrong-ness of it belongs to the person who hurt you-- NOT you. You really can heal from this-- its a difficult journey at times, but it CAN be done.

[autumnleaves]

Thanks again you guys! I'm just trying to keep the hope alive! I may be able to afford therapy and not have to tell my parents if I can get a reasonable enough price. I HIGHLY doubt that our insurance would cover therapy at all, anyway. We have a $4,000 deductible, in any case, so it's not like our insurance is overly helpful. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY grateful to have insurance! Also, I am 20, so everything would be totally confidential, which is encouraging. Basically, I have mostly forgiven my sister because she was 11 or 12 when she perpetrated the molestation and there have been other things that have happened that have helped me to have empathy for her. However, when I was about 10-12 she coerced me into participating in cyber and phone sex and viewed pornography and masturbated in my presence. Needless to say, that was really hard to go through, too. I'm just trying to stop being controlled by those feelings and experiences. Also, Bill3, isolation due to a seemingly uncommon category of abuse is DEFINITELY an issue with me. I think that's most of the reason that it took me 10 sessions to tell my counselor. I was sure that she would not understand. Thanks for all of your help!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((autumnleaves))))

Thank you for posting and reachng out. I know how hard it is to reach out and to feel like there is no one who understands or is there. Truth is many understand and even though it was your sister it was abuse and it was wrong. The fact is that abuse hurts no matter who or when or where.

I hear your pain and I know that opening up is hard and it is painful. The way out is through and you are doing what you need to do. I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now and that you feel so alone. I know when I tell anyone for the first time it is raw and feels as though someone is pouring acid in an open wound that feels as though it will never heal.

I validate how you are feeling and want you to know that you are not alone. I know it feels that way but we do care and are listening. I have found that in therapy it often gets worse before it gets better but it can get better as you work through the feelings and pain that is there. It is never easy and sometimes we have to go through it more than once as we step deeper into our feelings and what we buried for so long.

I hope you know that it was not your fault and that what happened was wrong. The shame, guilt, and self-hatred I understand so well but it is not your shame, or guilt. And you do deserve to love yourself. Forgiveness to yourself is important for holding in those feelings against yourself as you were not to blame. But I do understand how you have those feelings. I carry it too.

Breath and know that needing support and help through this is okay. I am glad that you were able to open up to your therapist about what happened. And I am glad that you were able to write it here. I hope that you find another therapist soon. Please keep posting here as you can and let us know how you are doing. We do care and we are here and listening.

Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[RACEKA]

I was molested by my mother.

[autumnleaves]

Holy cow. I'm so sorry! It's so hard to be a victim of uncommon abuse! or abuse at all!

[autumnleaves]

I have my last free session on Thursday. I think I might try to go to the community center for further counseling even though the idea of a brand new therapist terrifies me. Does anyone know how low the sliding scale goes? As a broke college student, I'm almost as poor as it gets without having any dependents. Also, after 3 weeks, the antidepressants don't seem to be helping that much. Spent too much time in bed today.

[Sannah]

Sliding scale is you pay what you can afford. Keep us posted?

[Can't Stop Crying]

How are you doing now with all this autumnleaves?

[autumnleaves]

Well, I can't really feel anything different from the medication. I mostly just want to be alone. Thoughts and memories of what happened in the past are more frequent and haunting than they have been before. My last therapy session is tomorrow morning, early. I just hope that I can feel like something has been resolved at some point. Thank you so much for caring.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there and be patient with yourself. Healing is a journey. Maybe ask your T for referrals that accept sliding scale and ask what you can be doing in the meantime to take care of yourself. Good Luck at your session tomorrow.

[autumnleaves]

It seems as though the Counseling Center is waiving the 12 session limit in order to allow me to finish out the semester in counseling, which is a relief. Today was really hard because I had to talk a lot of specifics about what happened and some delving questions were asked. However, I'm pretty satisfied with how much I was able to say today. Thank you everyone for the continued support!

[Bill3]

I'm glad to hear that you will be able to stay in counseling at your college!

[autumnleaves]

Yeah, I'm really happy about it too, but this will only be through the first week of May, after that, I'm on my own again. I am going to try to see if I can get into the local community, sliding-scale, mental health center.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you are making important progress and the chance to work with the same person a few more sessions seems really valuable to me.

[autumnleaves]

I agree! I really really really appreciate and trust this particular therapist which is lucky considering that it was pretty much a potluck deal and she is only a graduate student in counseling psychology. I believe that she will go on to be a wonderful clinical psychologist/therapist!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm happy for you autumnleaves. Even a couple more sessions might do you a world of good!. Keep trying to find a T for when this one is done...maybe the college or your counselor has some ideas if the local health center doesn't work out. Although, I know local health centers are very reasonable in their sliding scales...a lot of paperwork, but they really can be quite good.