[mommyg2]

I recently told my husband this past fall of being sexually abused as a child. We have been married at the time for just over 5 years and took this information as I lied to him. Mind you, I have only told my sister some of this information before I told him.

Ever since then he seems to be very distant. We have since discussed things and he knows now how hard of a decision it was for me to tell him. Although our relationship is different.

How do I get our relationship back to the way we were? We have tried counseling but he quit.

[Gr3tta]

We are sorry this has caused a rift in your relationship. A lot of people have no idea how to respond to this kind of information. It does not mean they don't care, just that they are ill prepared in how to respond. We think it's possible that your husband has distanced himself because the information was so very upsetting to him.
We're sorry to hear he quit counseling, but we would encourage you to continue going yourself, if you're finding it helpful for you. We encourage you to keep trying to talk to your husband about it, and find out how he's feeling. It could be a lot of work to get your relationship back on track, but work is always worth it for people you love. Take good care of yourself, and thank you for sharing this!

[Sannah]

I would think that he has his own past issues that he doesn't want to face so your making yourself vulnerable and telling him about this makes him feel vulnerable? If so, he is running from himself more then he is running away from you.

[Butterflies Are Free]

If possible, try to see if he will go back to counseling with you or maybe just for himself.

[jwabf]

i sympathise. My husband has consistently refused to see a counsellor himself becasue he has no issues, I am the ohe with the problems. Uh huh! I wish he had, but we have muddled through. Intimacy was very awkward, difficult, painful, stressful for years once I was working on my **** and he still refused to go and talk to someone. He could really have benefited but maybe he felt threatened somehow, even tho I told him to see someone other than my therapist. I have never understood his reluctance. Things only got better between us to the extent that I was able to tell him what I need, what I cannot do ... and also ... very big deal...learn to tell him no regarding intimacy, and learn to stand up to him when he got angry. That took years!!! And I mean years. But we do love each other and we made it thro some very tough times. It was hard to not have his support re. therapy though, so good luck.

[LavalampTerry]

Man. Sorry to hear about all this. Made me feel grateful for how lovingly my wife accepted my telling her about my past abuse (at the hands of my parents and others). Not only was she supportive and comforting, she actually got ANGRY at my parents for doing that to us 2 kids. It was kinda nice seeing her "defend me" - albeit all these years later - and say that stuff wasn't my fault.

That being said, I'm 4 years into therapy. (just me) and we've been married 25 years! Gives new meaning to "better late than never" I guess... In any event it's out there. And was not only a good experience for us, but it has brought us closer together than at any time during these past 25 years...

Sounds like hubby might need to examin why he's "withdrawing" with this new information. Maybe it's because you've reminded him of some of his stuuf from the past - or maybe he's just figuring out the best way to respond so he doesn't hurt you. Or maybe he's doing what alot of "us men" do...."if I ignore this for long enough, maybe it'll go away..." "What's for dinner." MEN!!

I know as a man I hated to tell my wife about all the sexual abuse (by "those people"). And I hated to admit to her about being a past victum of domestic violence. NO man that I know of wants to admit to that. Makes us (me) feel weak and "at fault" somehow. ("Why didn't you stand up for yourself and stop it??") But by sharing not only the incidents but also my fears of telling her...well it was life changing for us!

Maybe ask the husband what's with the distance. Maybe he'll know - maybe he won't. Maybe to 2 of you - together - can figure it out...