[happy101]

Hello everyone , pls help by giving your advise:
My mother abused us even my late father from the time I was born.he later died from ehr abuse of bleeding ulsers, cancer and everyother disease of unhappiness. I suffereed eating disorders,operations everything horrible that comes with it.My sister is a recovered drug addict, now drinks and has horrible anger issues and lives with bad choices.My other sister too has never had a relationship for long and both sisters have severe anger issues.I know that their heart suffers.These are 'the goodies'that come with the abuse, as adults. 10 years ago I started searching for my meaning of life. I helped my dad in his last days , burried him and started out on a good life that I was deprived of all those years. Part of the exercise was to cut reduce contact with the evil source - my mother.Later in the last 2 years it was severing contact.The last time I gave her a Xmas present but I dont know if that will continue.
My sisters are stilliving sad lives (dysfunctional) lonely and overseas.they are in contact with Mother.Now one has senty me a mail with a diagnosis of mothers mental state and has asked me to pick up the phone and call mother so she wont be so lonely. I have had numerous converstaion with my sister telling her that I even get nauseous when I am in the same room as mother. Making my decisions to severe ties has made me find it in the bible that its ok to not look after my mother, and has made me strong enough to handle my mothers (dysfunctional) family remarks and comments and other people who come lose to judging me. I have forgiven her and continuosly pray for this but I get physically rattled when anyone questions me or doubts me about my actions. I have gone through so much and I choose myself and happiness over evereything now. My husband is right by myside supporting me. 1)Please , is it okay to tell my sistser that I am not tied to my mother anymore and to respect my choice .She (sister)may go ballistic and send me an official lawyers letter or there will be some consequences from here. or another way to handle this?THANKS

PS,If there are others in the same boat , can we stay in touch as buddy reference...No one understands but theres so much to learn.I have no yardstick for normal behavior and mean behavior due to this among many horrible situations.

[Sannah]

Hi happy, you don't owe your mother anything. Keep taking care of yourself! Keep us posted?

[hopefultoday]

Hi happy. I don't know that my advice will help. I am struggling with similar issues with my father. I know how you are feeling. I have severed all contact with him, however my mother who I still have a relationship with is still married to him so it is rough. I have a lot of emotions/anger to still deal with, but I am trying. I think you need to think of yourself. Take care of and do what is best for you.

Have you sought the help of a therapist? I never thought I would talk to a therapist but I finally did about 4 months ago and it is helping me a lot. Still lots of work to do though.

Take care of yourself.

[happy101]

Thanks.So I know I'm not alone.That already feels good.Not one of my friends can ever understand this.They all have such loving Moms. Anyway, theraphy and counselling is not available cos I live in a thirid world country.There are psychologist but they treat severe mental disorders.My kindest friends have askedme to just put it aside and forgive her and to go back to her.No one understands.I have read books and Dave Pelzer 'The It Boy" is good as again I know I'm not alone. Can you suggest the closest to do for theraphy ?

Originally Posted by hopefultoday

Hi happy. I don't know that my advice will help. I am struggling with similar issues with my father. I know how you are feeling. I have severed all contact with him, however my mother who I still have a relationship with is still married to him so it is rough. I have a lot of emotions/anger to still deal with, but I am trying. I think you need to think of yourself. Take care of and do what is best for you.

Have you sought the help of a therapist? I never thought I would talk to a therapist but I finally did about 4 months ago and it is helping me a lot. Still lots of work to do though.

Take care of yourself.

[happy101]

Thanks so much.That is so empowering!! Thanks and I was really hoping to hear from you after reading some of your post to others here. Have a very good day !:D

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi happy, you don't owe your mother anything. Keep taking care of yourself! Keep us posted?

[happy101]

Hi, I suffered what you are going through now when my father (victim of mother's abuse) was alive. I hated being in the house when she(my mother the abuser) was around. I would stay in their house house when my mother left us to go on holidays.This way I could cook for my dad and chat witrh him and there was so much love and laughter. then he died (as a result of her abuse he developed bleeding ulcers and cancer)and I slowly cut ties with the abuser.....I guess, this is thew hardest time for you but there are ways where you can take your Mom out of the house and spend time when your father isnt at home. Just small ideas that you may have thought of already

Originally Posted by happy101

Thanks.So I know I'm not alone.That already feels good.Not one of my friends can ever understand this.They all have such loving Moms. Anyway, theraphy and counselling is not available cos I live in a thirid world country.There are psychologist but they treat severe mental disorders.My kindest friends have askedme to just put it aside and forgive her and to go back to her.No one understands.I have read books and Dave Pelzer 'The It Boy" is good as again I know I'm not alone. Can you suggest the closest to do for theraphy ?

[corpuscallosum]

Your post is very moving. There is no test or rehearsal for parenting and family interaction and so many get it so horribly wrong. Having said that, once we are old enough we all have the choice and ability to distinguish between acts of good and that other thing...as Sannah said you don't owe your mother anything; just you - and your own happiness and healing I wish you all the very best in that.
...
I think I can empathize with a lot of what you wrote there. I hope they will leave you alone soon. Good friends with non-judgemental ear work wonders. I have a dear friend and mentor who once just let me howl on her sofa for almost a whole day while she brought me cups of tea. Just to have been given that space was such healing for me.
...
I have been cajoled, bullied, "sent to Coventry" and punished with hate-mail by family because I finally found the strength in my early 30s to stand up for myself and move away from my very sad and sick family. Well a little over 10 years later I still do not speak to most of them and they are happy for me to be the scapegoat and move away with the family sins on my back. I live overseas and everyone is suddenly disturbed by the rumour that I want to move back to England. I even got a nosy call from my father yesterday who, although he didn't have the courage to say what he'd heard, told me point blank not to return! It was my birthday and he just quoted revelations all evening - made me sad and a bit scared actually.

To all survivours - in the face of adversity and manipulation - give 'em hell!

[happy101]

Thanks for everything you have said.Its so encouraging. I spoke with my husband last night on why I have to put myself forward in everyhting I do.My inlaws dont treat me well as I have a toxic sister in law(shes just evil and alot of people dont like her in our town).Well anyway, he agrees and said he will always support me. I have set boundaries for my family and his. And he will and has respected that.We both have very strong faith in God. We have wonderful friends.I have good friends but none can understand a toxic mother so I dont tell anyone anymore. I have told 2 girlfriends and they made me feel mad and really bad!I believe this stems from jealousy on their part, they love to put me down as its their only weapon against me.(they can't bear the fact I married a wonderful man, successful financially,dont look like the 'back of the bus' lol).Well anyway, I have my confidante who is my husband and 2best friends who are guys and have many women friends never to depend on.It feels like with faith we learn that God is the ultimate and I dont depend on people.
OK Now I'm feeling bad about how your father handled the news on your return to England.You dont need to be bullied anymore. I hope you told him it's none of his business and cut the conversation short.
I thought I had forgiven and let go until I got the email from my sister and then it rattled me.So now I'm starting a process and prayer on letting go.I have to.I dont want Mother to win anymore and I end up with cancer!
Thanks.
Sending you all the love and strenght!