[AmandaTN33]

I figured this is the best place for me to start I believe most of the issues I have now started from my less than perfect childhood. I really believe I have blocked the worst things out of my mind.

I have alot of anger issues. Although I dont get physically violent as my father did. I do one of two things I either supress the anger and Brood in silence as my husband calls it or I yell alot.

My earliest memory is of my dad and mom fighting over the kitchen floor not being clean enough he basically beat her then made her clean the entire floor with a tooth brush I'm not sure how old me and my twin brother was at the time but my dad made us sit on the couch and watch.

At this time my dad verbally abused me and my brother I was called stupid to lazy and anything else you can think of until i ran away at 16 never to return

My parents divorced when i was 9 and thats when I took my mothers place in the house. I cooked cleaned ect and if it wasn't perfect he beat us both. And if someone called child protective services my dad picked us up and we would move to another state.

My dad died a few years ago but before he died I forgave him and we were on good terms I believe he was the way he was because of his violent childhood and added drinking and drugs most of his life. He was a weak man and unable to break the abusive pattern from his parents to his kids.

I know Im skipping here to there but i just wanted to give a general idea i grew up in a verbal physical and sexaul (whole othe can of worms) abusive childhood. And believe the results of that is the reasoning maybe behind my anger.

I dont know the best way to decribe it but I go from happy laughing to extreme anger in a flash over something very simple and as i get older its getting worse. I try to control it and tell myself to calm down but i cant.

My husband is very understanding most times but it has caused problems with us and if I cant get it controlled I will lose him I am sure of it. I am so lost I have no idea

well thanks for listening will write more later

amanda

[bluemountains]

Welcome amanda,
It sounds like your husband is very supportive! The two of you should seek professional help as you work through your past. It is difficult, but there is healing. You have already taken steps towards this by identifying your needs. Therapy can work wonders to help in this process.
Bluemountains

[Sannah]

Hi Amanda, welcome to PC. Yeah, it sounds like you have been trying to keep a lid on all that anger and it just wants to boil out. I would suggest letting that anger out. You can write, here if you like, talk to people, get a therapist, etc. Writing a letter to your abuser and then ceremonially burning it is good too. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[needfixing]

it was brave and couragous of you to share your story, thank you.

i too grew up in an abusive home, and it's not easy to move forward if you don't have the right support.

your hubby loves you, but can't understand what you've been thru cuz he had a "normal" childhood.

my hubby loves me, but i can't make him understand me when i use to have nightmares, flashbacks, or triggers. (thank GOD i don't anymore) he couldn't wrap his head around the idea that i would relive the abuse again or have hallucinations of brusies on my body. i would freak the heck out of him.

writing my emotions down, talking to my ma for not protecting me, and especially my faith is what is still healing me.

take the time to find support, being here is a great start, cuz you get to meet people that went thru what you did.

(((hugs)))