Lately I've been caught up with thinking about being raped which was almost 4 years ago. I never had the chance to properly deal with it nor have I healed from it. Also some time before & after the rape I've experienced some form of sexual abuse...never dealt with that either. I've been having these dreams, not about my attacker, but different people attacking me. Just had a dream about 2 hrs ago & I'm very bothered. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel numb yet scared & worried.

I'm paranoid & constantly think, practically waiting, to be attacked again (not that I want it to). I just always felt that this has been a never ending cycle & it's bound to happen again. I feel nothing worth more than a person that gets taken advantage of. People around me joke about rape & I can't even speak up to say that it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life & I will forever be struggling to get over this. How does one accept that this is something that they will live with, not live everyday in fear, & learn to move on?

[Elli-Beth]

Do you have a therapist? I see one for a similar reason and it's helped more than I can describe. My symptoms were similar, and he described it as PTSD. Things can get better...

Yes I have a therapist & when it 1st happened I saw a therapist for it along with other issues, but I still feel so stuck. I don't feel like anything has been resolved. I still feel so guilty & like it was my fault. I know a T can't "fix" this for me...I just don't know how to get through this myself. I too was diagnosed with PTSD.

[Sannah]

Are you talking to your T about all of this now?

I tried, but it was no use. She seems to think I'm causing my own suffering by allowing myself to have those negative thoughts.

((((((((((SoFragile88))))))))))--imo, you need a therapist who will give you positive feedback. A therapist who specializes in Post Trauma.

"negative thoughts"??? hey, it was a negative, horrific experience!!!!!

This happened...you need therapy which will allow you to have had this experience; give you support, and help you to incorporate it into your life without hurting you any further. Your "guilt" and "shame" are normal reactions to abnormal experiences!!

We have also spoken of your self loathing...(((((((((SoFragile88)))))))))--no cut? Please? get you a new therapist who will affirm you, and your horrors???

hugs, my friend.........you are in my thoughts~~~~~~~~~~theo

[Open Eyes]

(((((SoFragile88))))

Is this therapist one that specializes in PTSD? Because that is a symptom of PTSD.
You are hypervigillant and that is why you are stuck right now. You ruminate about it because you have not found a way to resolve it yet.

I am not a therapist but I do understand what your saying SoFragile and one of the things your going to have to understand is that when we experience something sudden and something that makes us feel unsafe or threatened, like rape, we are designed to remember. It is just human nature to remember and we are designed to do that to survive. No matter what bad things happen we DO remember because we do NOT want to experience it again, that is a part of our learning what are brains are ment to do.

So you are not going to forget. But what you can do is realize that the remembering is not about punishment or for you to self blame or feel guilty. The guilt comes into play because your brain is wondering if you did something wrong to make this happen it is a question. And the answer is that NO you did not do something to make this happen, it just happened and you do have to learn how to be more careful.

Look, lets say you were a builder and you put in a door and then it started to squeek.
Well, what you would do is notice the squeeking and then examine the door to see why that happened so you could see if you could stop the squeeking or if you put the door in wrong. It is process in learning why the door is squeeking and how to see how it happened. And the next time you would put in a door if you did do something wrong you would not do it again.

Now, that is how wonderful our brains are, we CAN learn and figure things out and try to not do something wrong again. Our brains are pretty amazing.

So part of what you are turning around in your mind is the wonder of what went wrong and how you can fix it or prevent it in the future. And the dreams about different people attacking you is just like when the builder is looking at the door to find the squeek and then there is going to be a reminder every time he sees a door to examine it and say, does that door squeek too?

The problem is that with a tramatic event like rape, well the brain does do the same thing but because the experience was a lot more than just a door squeek and it was scary too, you are more upset while your brain is sorting it out. But it never means it was your fault or that you should feel guilty.

Trama is always harder to process because it is more emotional. But you CAN learn that NO your not going to keep experiencing this, NO not every door is going to squeek. It takes longer to process trama than it does regular problems, but it doesn't mean you should suffer the rest of your life or you are guilty or bad or a failure.

We are all designed TO BE MORE AWARE whenever we come across any problem. What you have to learn to do in trama work is learn how to lower the anxiety and physical reactions gradually to where the trama is more of a memory, PASSED, OVER and you LEARNED something and NOW you just have to be more careful.

That is why it is important to work with a therapist that truely understands how to work with trama patients and patients that are troubled by PTSD. You need to work on ways to slowly feel safe again, understand that this truely was not your fault and as you slowly self sooth, and find safe thoughts you WILL progress. It takes time and a supportive understanding knowledgable therapist to help you THROUGH this STUCK part which is called PTSD.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Fragile, I just want you to know that I hear you. I have PTSD too and it does take time to work through it, I am still working on it and sometimes it is baby steps in working through PTSD. And yes, I deal with guilt as well. And I was really riddled with guilt at first and I am slowly learning HOW to accept that it was not MY fault.

Even when I am posting to you, that is a reminder to myself of what I have learned, what I need to remember, what I need to LEARN and continue to heal. It is a process and for some it is a slow process. So be kind to yourself. I think what helps me is that I keep telling myself, I am learning to recover, I am learning to get THROUGH it, one day at a time. In a way I am remembering what my brain is designed to do, Learn. So telling myself to learn is accepting that I will continue to learn my way through this and be patient with myself. Fragile you DO deserve that, we all do.

Open Eyes

[notablackbarbie]

Yes she specializes in PTSD. I can't get a new T because I can't afford it & have no insurance. I feel like maybe I'm a bad client & not ready for therapy. Maybe it's me & not her. Maybe I'm just being difficult. *sigh* idk

Thank you for the replies.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by SoFragile88

I tried, but it was no use. She seems to think I'm causing my own suffering by allowing myself to have those negative thoughts.

Of course you are having negative thoughts--you have been through so much suffering. It is perfectly normal to feel how you are feeling. I think it is your T's job to help guide you out of the despair. Since you cannot get another T, do you think you might be able to tell your T what you need from her?

^^^^great input (((TerryL)))

Yes, (((((((SoFragile88)))))))--you may want to give this therapist some literature pertinent to the subject? Sounds like you are being NEGATED??

imo, sounds like your experience is being sluffed off. This is the worse possible thing a therapist (especially one who specializes in PTSD!) could do.

I can give you some sites...I can also tell you my experience with Therapists (many many!! ugga)--even though they may have all the credentials; they may not have the background IRL to help. I fired many therapists in my time. You need someone who will substantiate you, your experience, your feelings!

I found some amazingly empathic therapists in my time. imo you need one with a heart!!!

Sounds nasty...to have someone tell you you should "stop feeling what you are feeling"!!!

NO! Don't let anyone tell you not to feel what you feel!!

Please...talk to this T and see if you can get another one? Or, as I wrote before, give the T some info...on how to treat a patient with PTSD, apparently, there is a need for further Orientation on the subject for this particular T.

Feel free to pm me? I will find the literature for you........hugs~~~~~theo

I don't feel like I can be honest with her...it's like no matter what I say, I end up feeling like I shouldn't have spoke up. The last time I tried to tell her what you suggested it made me shut down. This is what happen & please tell me if I'm overreacting.

I told her at the end of our session (about 3 weeks ago) that I felt like dying. I said I wouldn't do anything to myself, but this is how I feel. She replied...what do you want me to do about it. She asked this question in a way that made me feel like she didn't care. So I said nothing & she said you must have wanted me to do something because you told me. At that point I completely shut down. So the next session I told her she hurt my feelings & she replied I was only being honest...what can I do about it. I told her nothing I was just trying to be open. She still didn't get my point. Was I being too sensitive?

Another time we were talking about my cutting & she said I'm thinking of saying something you might not like & them she said..."well cut on then". She made that statement after me saying I don't know what will help me stop. I guess she's just brutally honest & I can't handle it.

Wow. she said "well cut on then"????????????????????

No, imo you are not "being too sensitive"; sounds to me like she is completely INSENSITIVE!!!

--who is in charge at this place she works at??? Is it a clinic?

You are not "over reacting"!!!

You need to speak to someone in charge there. This therapist is one of those "therapists who ought never to have gone into the field"!!!!!

I am appalled!!!!!!!!! There is a standard for all professions, and there are committees which hold all professionals accountable for their professional conduct!!

You are well within your rights to report this unprofessional conduct!!

You can do it...(((((((((((SoFragile88))))))))))--you have it in you to be assertive here. imo you must...you must to Survive!!!!!

Egads........and you are questioning yourself! Please stop the self doubt? You are not wrong!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~hugs theo

She's in her own private practice. I feel out of my comfort zone, stupid, sensitive, scared, etc. I don't know what to do. I just wanna quit going & deal with things on my own. I've survived this far right?

IMO??? No. You need the help of a real professional who knows what they are doing.

She has her own practice? How are you able to pay for this? You stated you did not have the funds...is this "free" therapy? I had one of those once...not "free" at all!! The phd retraumatized me!!!!! You get what you pay for (sometimes)

There is a professional board in your state...also a NAMI...google NAMI. I would.
They have always been most helpful to me.

Please be safe? Doesn't sound safe with this T, nor does it sound safe "going it alone"---------((((((((((((SoFragile88)))))))))))))

Please? pm me? You can give me just the State you are in...I will advocate for you if you want me to...I be good at dat stuff. I will contact NAMI for you, find out all your options and pm you back. You are not alone if you don't want to be--xotheo

[Sannah]

She doesn't sound like a good T at all.