A history

I know what happened to me isn't even remotely close to the abuse many have experienced, I just feel like I need to vent, get some clarity, some insight into what I remember.
I hope this isn't triggering for anyone :/

The truth is, I don't remember much. I have very few memories of when I was under the age of 10 and I often get told stories or told about people from before then and I have no recollection of much of it.
I remember being a very sexual child. I have memories of masturbation since I was 6, watching porn at 8, but most worryingly, I remember clearly I used to dream and fantasize about rape, and take pleasure in painful sexual pratices, all before I was an age when one should know about these things (at 8, maybe).
This has always left me with the doubt I might have been sexually abused as a child, and have repressed it. I am unsure whether I will ever know for certain.
And then at 10 I remember having a twisted sort of relationship in summer camp with one of the counselors, aged 22. He'd have me and another girl kiss his cheek, his neck, nibble of his ears. I distinctly remember him getting an erection from me hugging him.
I am perplexed, by all of this. I can't say he abused us, because he never forced us, but he was sick, twisted, and prayed on our need for love and attention. I don't know what to think.
It seems to me I behaved and behave like an abuse victim, craving submission, and I am plagued by the idea something may have happened that I can't remember.
What do you guys think?
I am so, so sorry if any of this was triggering.

Memories from my childhood have always been very spotty. I can remember bits and pieces ~ and have a strong history of repressing, remembering, repressing, remembering, etc. I struggled for a long time to actually believe the memories before I finally accepted my memories to be accurate. It's been a very long road for me.

In my personal experience, I distinctly recall giving boys bj's (I was 5-6 years old), which brings up a lot of self-hate and deep shame. As I got older, "bj" sadly became my nickname. Obviously, not something to be proud of. Point is, it's something that I was taught how to do at a very young age and I thought that was how to get a man to care about me.

Hope that helps you in someway. Best wishes to you!

Hi B & P, welcome to PC. You were watching porn at 8 yoa? How did that happen?