[healed84]

Trigger warning- I will talk a little bit about what might be considered CSA.






Okay, I really need help to sort out a experience that I had when I was a kid. I think it maybe crucial to my trust issues concerning men and something T and I have been discussing recently and I am starting to wonder if I should bring this up to him, but I don't know how to sort this out. What to call it, if it really even matters at this time. This was not some kind of lost memory that I all of a sudden remember. Although the details are foggy, I do remember the day, then two boys, and have always carried this memory with me.

When I was I don't 3rd or 4th grade so that made me 9 or 10? I have a brother who is 5 years older that me and he had friends that he would bring around that were either his age or a bit younger. Being a silly little girl, I had a little crush on a couple of his freinds. It was silly, and they knew it. One day, for some reason I found myself haning out with two of my brother's friends by myself outside. And really to just cut to the chase, sexual things happened. I don't remember what exactly, but I know at one point they asked me to go home and get a skirt on to make it "eaiser." From what I remember I didn't say no. I know that it wasn't right, but as far as I know I was a willing partcipant. However, I can see how it makes me suspcious of men and no trust them- b/c I suppose I really was taken advantage of.
As far as I can remember it only happed that one time.. I am having a hard time labeling this event. Is it important? was it abuse? should I even bring it up with T, does it play into my trust issues? I just don't know what to do with this experience.

I could really use some thoughts, hugs, input.. I don't know.. Phew.. I can't believe I just wrote that all out and publishing it for people to see. I have only shared this with one person and that is my husband.

[precious things]

I hope you get more responses than the one I give you because you ask some very good questions. When I think about a nine or ten year old child I really don't think ANYTHING sexual should be going on. If it makes it easier, ask yourself, if it was your niece or daughter would you think the experience was normal childhood exploration or one of exploitation?

[pbutton]

If it is on your mind, it is definitely worth bringing up in therapy.

[Open Eyes]

(((((healed84))))))

Remember you are anonymus here so it is ok and you do have a good question. I agree with pbutton, yes if this is bothering you and you feel comfortable with your T then I think it would be good to talk about.

Personally I feel that these boys did take advantage of your innocence. A little girl that age doesn't truely understand what sex really means and they took advantage of that, not your fault. And yes, it could be a reason you can have trust issues in my opinion. But do remember that WAS in your past, you were a little girl and did not truely understand things as you understand now.

I think that it would help you to talk about it so you can also realize that you are much older now and you know enough not to be taken advantage of now.

We all have that child in us and if there are things that we experience that we are concerned about, talking it out is really helpful in my opinion.

Open Eyes

[larakeziah]

i agree! u were only a child and u should not have experienced what u did whether u were a willing participant or not. u couldn't have known what u were doing really. it obviously bothers u so I reckon its worth bringing up!

[bluemountains]

The fact that you don't remember what happened says to me that this was abuse. You were not a willing participant in the sense that you understood what was happening. You should talk to your t and figure this out. While my abuse issues aren't the same, I have many memories that are still blocked, I think, and as memories have surfaced I am working with my t to process through the abuse. It is healing for me.
Bluemountains

[RainbowRoad]

If it's okay, Healed84...

I do hope you bring this up with your therapist. You were too young to make a conscious decision to engage in anything sexual. They took advantage of you. The fact they were older makes it even worse. They were so much more mature, and you were innocent. This was, in no way, any fault of your own.

As it was already pointed out, the fact you do not remember - yet the event comes back to haunt you, all the same - really points to this troubling you more than you might realize. Please talk with your T about it.

[healed84]

Thanks everyone for your input.. I do get that it probably would be a good idea to bring it up to T. I am not sure if I can or will. I did write it out in my journal tonight, and I do bring my journal to every session. So, hopefully I can work up the guts to let him read what I wrote. We've never talked about anyting sexual in nature at all.. and I am not sure if I want or can go there. I have a week to build the confidence I need..

[Open Eyes]

(((((healed84)))))

If you can't talk about the actual experience you could try what I tried. I talked about children not understanding it when they are exposed to a sexual experience because of older children. I did that because I wanted to hear what my therapist would say about it. After he gave me his thoughts I was able to slip myself in the mix. I just found it easier and because I liked what he had to say it did make it easier for me to do it that way.

Just a thought.

Open Eyes

[healed84]

I keep on coming back to this, b/c I find your response very comforting. I talked to my husband about it last night, and he thinks that it really should be talked about. I am soooo scared. I feel bad, b/c in my intial "intake" interview I was asked if I had any sexual abuse in my past and I flat out denied it. It was just not something that I felt needed to be discussed and never wanted to. Now, that I see it should be talked about what if T doesn't believe me, what if he doesn't think it is that big of a deal. What if I can't get the right words out.. Ugh. This is just stinking scary.

[Open Eyes]

((((Healed84)))))

Oh, dear, it will be ok, you are worring too much. This is a therapist, and you can explain why you didn't want to include it in your intake questionaire. Therapists should know that CAN happen as people often do not want to discuss it. And I would be extremely surprised if your T didn't believe you.

Do you not trust your therapist? Trust is very important with therapists.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes